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    Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais
    Tout ce qui a un rapport avec l'apprentissage de l'anglais: grammaire, orthographe, aides aux devoirs, phrases etc.

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    Histoire d'horreur (aidez moi svp)
    Message de noufnouf posté le 25-02-2007 à 10:13:28 (S | E | F | I)

    Bonjour, je suis censé faire une rédaction d'anglais, le sujet étant "inventez une histoire d'horreur"

    Pouvez vous me signaler mes fautes s'il vous plait ?


    The doll without smile



    It’s the story of a girl, who approaching the seven years. She asked her mother to come with her to choose her birthday’s doll. Both arrived in a shop of toy at the department of the dolls. Among those, all were identical, same eyes, same mouth, same smile, except one which didn’t smile. The mother took one randomly and moved towards the cash desk. But the girl didn’t seem happy, so her mother asked him why. She showed her the doll without smile and explained her it was this one she wanted. The mother didn’t understand, but she shouldn’t oppose a child. They returned at home, the mother pack the doll during her girl went up in her room. It was late, and she was very tired. She put to bed and dreamed of her gift. She saw the small doll far which murmured to her very gently: “I am in the hall, I am in the hall…. ”.
    The following day, she made the same dream, at least almost: The doll seemed to approach her, and the voice seemed to become increasingly strong “I am in the hall, I am in the hall…. ”.
    Two days later, she could see the features of the doll clearly: the eyes were red blood, and her expression became more and more horrifying. The voice had changed, one could now hear “I am in the staircase, I am in the staircase”.
    It didn’t remain now any more that 2 days, and she really started to panic. By fear of ridicule, she didn’t speak about with her mother. The night arrived, she tried to don’t close the eyes, but tiredness gained. She saw the doll then going towards very she slowly, “I am in the corridor, I am in the corridor”. By chance, she woke up in time.
    Her bed was soaked and her mother cherished her face. She seemed to be caught up with by the fever.
    The day before her birthday, she remained with the bed all the day. The night came, she greedily looked at the sunset and feared more than all her nightmare. She remained waked up, but seemed to hear a small voice: “I am under your bed”. She felt the fever to go up and started to wonder whether she won’t being delirious. She had not enough force to rise and the sound of the voice reasoned in her head increasingly strong. That hurt her, more and more badly, but she was not able to get rid of this infernal voice. She rose to light the light, stumbled, and disappears. The following day, one found her dead to lengthen by ground. The scientists declared the fever guilty. However, when the mother unpacked the gift, one could see now that the doll smiled.

    (has to meditate on all the other dolls)


    Merci


    Réponse: Histoire d'horreur (aidez moi svp) de marilynsaddict, postée le 25-02-2007 à 12:15:01 (S | E)
    Bonjour!

    Je te signale ce qui me gêne en espérant que tu comprendras mes remarques!

    who approaching the seven years
    = Si tu mets une forme progressive, tu dois mettre l'auxiliaire BE conjugué au présent entre ta forme en ING et ton pronom relatif.
    = Pas d'article devant l'âge... et si tu veux dire 7ans, tu dis soit "seven" soit "seven years old"

    at the department of the dolls
    = AT est une préposition qui indique la direction. or vu qu'elles sont déjà arrivées, on ne peut pas utiliser une préposition de direction. J'aurais plutôt employé IN ,je pense

    so her mother asked him why
    = Elle demande à sa fille. HIM est utilisé pour le masculin. Change le pronom complément.

    without smile
    = WITHOUT est une préposition et elle est donc suivi par une forme en ING. Ou une autre possibilité : tu voulais employer le nom SMILE, mais à ce moment là, il faut ajouter l'article indéfini devant le nom. C'est au choix.

    the mother pack the doll
    = Utilise le prétérit ici.

    dreamed of her gift
    = la forme de DREAMED existe mais plutôt en anglais américain. Si ton professeur tient à vous apprendre le British English, utilise la forme irrégulière de TO DREAM.

    which murmured to
    = j'ai un doute sur le MURMURED. si tu voulais dire murmurer, utilise plutôt WHISPER.

    any more that 2 days
    = THAN au lieu de THAT

    she tried to don’t close the eyes
    = La proposition infinitive est une forme compliquée à construire. Alors la formule c'est verbe + NOT + to verbe.

    She saw the doll then going towards very she slowly
    = Je ne comprends pas ce que tu as voulu dire.

    to be caught up with by the fever
    = Le BY est supprimable

    She remained waked up
    = Le verbe TO WAKE UP est irrégulier!

    She felt the fever to go up
    = En anglais, la construction n'est pas la même qu'en français. Pas d'infinitif, on préfèrera une proposition introduite par THAT ou une forme en ING qui montrera la progression.

    she won’t being delirious
    = Ton WON't est incorrect ici. Car c'est un modal au présent, alors que toute ta phrase est au passé. Utilise le même modal mais au passé, histoire d'assurer la concordance des temps.

    enough force
    = J'aurais utilisé le mot STRENGHTH pour force!!!!!



    She rose to light the light
    = Ca fait un joli effet de style! je pense qu'ici, pour éviter la répétition, tu peux utiliser un verbe comme TO SWITCH ON pour allumer la lumière.

    disappears
    = Reste au passé.

    The following day, one found her dead to lengthen by ground
    = Je ne comprends pas ta phrase.

    Voilà si tu as des questions ou des remarques ou tu n'as pas compris mes suggestions, n'hésite pas!


    -------------------
    Modifié par willy le 25-02-2007 13:40
    NB : badly is an adverb, not an adjective.


    Réponse: Histoire d'horreur (aidez moi svp) de nick27, postée le 25-02-2007 à 12:19:48 (S | E)
    Hello,

    The following day, one found her dead to lengthen by ground
    = Je comprends pas ta phrase.


    Je pense qu'elle veut dire que quelqu'un l'a retrouvée morte, étendue sur le sol, c'est ça?

    Dans ce cas :

    => La première partie de la phrase est bonne.

    Étendue sur le sol => Lying on the floor

    Ou encore mieux

    => The following day, one found her lying dead on the floor.

    "someone" serait peut-être plus naturel que "one"





    Réponse: Histoire d'horreur (aidez moi svp) de noufnouf, postée le 25-02-2007 à 13:45:44 (S | E)
    Merci beaucoup à vous 2 c'est trop sympa.


    Pour ceux que ça interresse, (je pense pas qu'il y en ai beaucoup mais on sait jamais), voici mon texte revu et corrigé :



    The doll without a smile



    It’s the story of a girl, who is approaching the seven. She asked her mother to come with her to choose her birthday’s doll. Both arrived in a shop of toy in the department of the dolls. Among those, all were identical, same eyes, same mouth, same smile, except one which didn’t smile. The mother took one randomly and moved towards the cash desk. But the girl didn’t seem happy, so her mother asked her why. She showed her the doll without a smile and explained her it was this one she wanted. The mother didn’t understand, but she shouldn’t oppose a child. They returned at home, the mother packed the doll during her girl went up in her room. It was late, and she was very tired. She put to bed and dreamt of her gift. She saw the small doll far which whispered to her very gently: “I am in the hall, I am in the hall…. ”.
    The following day, she made the same dream, at least almost: The doll seemed to approach her, and the voice seemed to become increasingly strong “I am in the hall, I am in the hall…. ”.
    Two days later, she could see the features of the doll clearly: the eyes were red blood, and her expression became more and more horrifying. The voice had changed, one could now hear “I am in the staircase, I am in the staircase”.
    It didn’t remain now any more than 2 days, and she really started to panic. By fear of ridicule, she didn’t speak about with her mother. The night arrived, she tried not to close the eyes, but tiredness gained. She saw the doll going towards she very slowly, “I am in the corridor, I am in the corridor”. By chance, she woke up in time.
    Her bed was soaked and her mother cherished her face. She seemed to be caught up with the fever.
    The day before her birthday, she remained with the bed all the day. The night came, she greedily looked at the sunset and feared more than all her nightmare. She remained woke up, but seemed to hear a small voice: “I am under your bed”. She felt the fever to go up and started to wonder whether she were not being delirious. She had not enough strenghth to rise and the sound of the voice reasoned in her head increasingly strong. That hurt her, badlier, but she was not able to get rid of this infernal voice. She rose to switch on the light, stumbled, and disappeared. The following day, someone found her lying dead on the floor. The scientists declared the fever guilty. However, when the mother unpacked the gift, one could see now that the doll smiled.

    (has to meditate on all the other dolls)





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