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Correction/lettre motivation

Cours gratuits > Forum > Thèmes généraux, jeux || En bas

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Correction/lettre motivation
Message de melvinmkg posté le 16-05-2017 à 21:45:42 (S | E | F)
Bonjour à tous !
Je suis à la recherche d'un stage à l'étranger et j'ai fait une lettre de motivation pour un poste qui m'intéresse énormément; le bémol c'est que je suis beaucoup plus à l'aise à l'oral qu'à l'écrit, c'est pour ça que je viens demander si une âme charitable pourrait voir s'il y a des fautes
Merci mille fois par avance !!

Dear Sir or Madam,
Currently pursuing my MSc in Marketing & Strategy at Paris-Dauphine University, I’m looking for a 6-month internship as part of my gap year.
Dare to Innovate, aim to the best Performance, always Overcome your limits: beyond being a sports brand, Nike inspires his consumers throughout these values. It’s first at all because I share this vision and the same values that I want to collaborate with you.
Why do I want to be a marketplace merchandising intern? Because it’s the opportunity for me to grow by thinking in my day to day work about the base of the business: the consumer.
Facing consumer related problematics through merchandising will deepen my consumer knowledge and take my marketing skills to the next level.
Why would you take me?
First of all, as a sports lover, I’m highly motivated to work for Nike in a sector which I’m familiar and passionate. In addition, the position seems to fit very well with my work experience.
When I worked for Auchan, I created a new omnichannel retail concept and merchandising was a key aspect to manage the customer experience and price image issues.
For the L’Oréal Brandstorm (it's a business game), I conducted interviews, surveys and trend research which lead me to get a disruptive insight.
As a marketing assistant at Crédit Agricole Leasing & Factoring, I participate in numerous projects that have reinforced my organizational skills, my ability to work with multiple stakeholders and helped me to get the global vision needed to complete them.
I’m confident that my experiences and my motivation will make our collaboration a shared success and this is why I send you my application. I look forward to meeting you.
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,

-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 16-05-2017 22:27


Réponse : Correction/lettre motivation de kazwell, postée le 17-05-2017 à 20:20:10 (S | E)
Hello,

As a student , I dare not say what a motivation letter is supposed to be or sound like , as I have zero qualifications to bash the format, but still, here's a few mistakes I found here and there , and some expressions that can use better phrasing.

Dare to Innovate, aim(For these two , I think adding -ing is more appropriate since you're talking about a brand) to (wrong preposition) the best Performance, always Overcome (pourquoi la majuscule?)your limits: beyond being a sports brand, Nike inspires his (Wrong ! his/her is always for humans ! You will need to change it) consumers throughout these values.

It’s first at all (Aouch , wrong preposition)because I share this vision and the same values that I want to collaborate with you.
This last word bug me a little ,because if I'm not mistaken , collaboration works when two people have the same standing , otherwise , you're better off using working for/at
Why do I want to be a marketplace merchandising intern? Because it’s the opportunity for me to grow by thinking (not a mistake , but I would recommend using pondering over , as it is precise about the meaning you're trying to convey) in my day to day work about the base of the business: the consumer.

Facing consumer related problematics(Problematic -> Problématique , I think there is a better word for what you want to say) through merchandising will deepen my consumer knowledge (I understand what youre trying to say , but this gramatically incorrect , change it)and take my marketing skills to the next level.

Why would you take me? (The phrase is gramatically correct , but ! This if as if you're questioning why they took you in , you're basically assuming they hired you, so instead of would , you could use should)
First of all (This is a motivation letter , so I would be a little more nitpicky and say that you already used this before , so maybe you can change one of them (or keep it , after all it is correct , your call)), as a sports lover, I’m highly motivated to work for Nike in a sector which I’m familiar and passionate (??) you forgot something here. In addition, the position seems to fit very well with my work experience.
When I worked for Auchan, I created a new omnichannel retail concept and merchandising was a key aspect to manage the customer experience and price image issues.
For the L’Oréal Brandstorm (it's a business game), I conducted interviews, surveys and trend research (either you make it plural or add an a in front of trend) which lead me to get a disruptive insight (What do you mean by this ??).
As a marketing assistant at Crédit Agricole Leasing & Factoring, I participate(wrong tense) in numerous projects that have reinforced my organizational skills, my ability to work with multiple stakeholders and helped me to get the global vision needed to complete them.

I’m confident that my experiences and my motivation will make our collaboration (Again , same thing) a shared success and this is why I send you my application. I look forward to meeting you.

Thank you for your consideration. Sincerely,


All in all , it's pretty good , I mean I personally feel your motivation , I wish you good luck ever for your job application !



Réponse : Correction/lettre motivation de melvinmkg, postée le 17-05-2017 à 22:17:40 (S | E)
Hi Kazwell!
Thank you so much for your help! Wow I made so many mistakes even though I checked about 10 times, I obviously need to practise my writing haha
I hope Nike feels my motivation as well

So if I sum up:
- aim to -> aiming for
- Nike inspire his -> its
- First at all -> First of all
- Thinking -> Pondering over
- consumer related problematics -> consumer related challenges
- passionate -> passionate about
- trend research -> trend researches
- participate -> participated

Is it correct ? I've got few questions left, if you have some time.
What do you think about? :
- "Overcome", "Aim", la majuscule est un effet de style, tu penses que ça se tente ?
- for "collaboration": c'est le message que je veux faire passer, nous sommes sur un pied d'égalité, j'apporte à l'entreprise et elle m'apporte en retour, est ce que tu trouves que cela fait "prétentieux" pour une lettre de motivation ?
- consumer knowledge -> consumer awareness maybe? (je veux dire connaissance client/ma compréhension du client)
- "I’m highly motivated to work for Nike in a sector which I’m familiar and passionate"
- Insight: c'est un terme marketing, c'est en gros un problème/un état de tension profond que les consommateurs ressentent
- "why should you take me": ok, I understand my mistake, using "would" it's like asking "why have you done that ?" right ? But I feel "should" sounds a bit aggressive, is there any other solution? (or maybe it's just me, what I want to say is that I've got all the requirements for the job, I don't want to sound like "I'm the best candidate, don't miss your chance". Does "should" fit for that ?)

Again thanks for your advice!

-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 17-05-2017 22:44
Pas de rouge sur le forum, merci.



Réponse : Correction/lettre motivation de kazwell, postée le 17-05-2017 à 23:11:32 (S | E)
Hi again ! Don't worry , it happens to all of us , because our brain tend to overlook some trivial things that aren't noticeable by assuming they're correct, thus we tend to miss some mistakes all the time , that's why a second opinion is always helpful.

Some more things:
I'm familiar --> I'm familiar with
consumer related problematics -> consumer related challenge (I was going to say issues , but yours fit the context too , also, don't forget , it's plural, so add an s)
For the L’Oréal Brandstorm (it's a business game) ---> This is my opinion , but your way of saying it give of this vibe : "hey , in case you didn't know , it's a business game" , so I would suggest to get rid of "it's " and only leave " ( a business game ) , as the later sounds more neutral , as if you're stating facts.
Aussi , j'ai fait quelque recherches , Business Game est le nom du challenge, donc il faudra peut être le mettre en majuscule.

As for your questions :
- "Overcome", "Aim", la majuscule est un effet de style, tu penses que ça se tente ?
---> I see what you mean , you want to use it as a slogan or catchphrase? If yes , then you might , or might not , need to precise it , in my opinion , it's either one of the two things,
Either your boss(or the one to judge your letter) is witty and understand your meaning and appreciate your boldness and suggestions (After all you're still not hired yet you say such things , it can shows that you're highly passionate)
Or , the underlying message might go unnoticed , and he might think that you made some mistakes.
After thinking a little about it , the best I can come up with is that you replace , with . , like this , even if your intent isn't noticed , you won't be incorrect as there is a . before each phrase.

- for "collaboration": c'est le message que je veux faire passer, nous sommes sur un pied d'égalité, j'apporte à l'entreprise et elle m'apporte en retour, est ce que tu trouves que cela fait "prétentieux" pour une lettre de motivation ?
---> I don't have any experience in the workplace , and of course , I could be mistaken , but I still stand by my point by saying that collaboration works only with two people of the same standing , and after googling the definition , I'm more confident to say that.
For ex : You can collaborate with your co-workers/teammates , but you can't collaborate with your boss. Do you get my point?

- consumer knowledge -> consumer awareness maybe?
---> Was it this what you meant? ==> Your knowledge about what consumers want. If so then I suggest this 'will deepen my knowledge about what a consumer wants'

- Insight: c'est un terme marketing, c'est en gros un problème/un état de tension profond que les consommateurs ressentent
---> Well , still , the meaning of 'distruptive insight' is difficult to understand , so unless it's a commonly used saying in your workplace , you will need to be more explicit.

- "why should you take me": ok, I understand my mistake, using "would" it's like asking "why have you done that ?" right ? But I feel "should" sounds a bit aggressive, is there any other solution? (or maybe it's just me, what I want to say is that I've got all the requirements for the job, I don't want to sound like "I'm the best candidate, don't miss your chance". Does "should" fit for that ?)
---> I see your worry pal , but you aren't going to sell yourself short , as :" Why would you consider me among all your other applicants?" No , I think Should is short and simple , shows a little courtesy but also some self-confidence.
But still , I would suggest for you to look for a third opinion , if they are free , you can ask for lucile83 or here4u as they might give you a better advice.




Réponse : Correction/lettre motivation de melvinmkg, postée le 17-05-2017 à 23:41:43 (S | E)
Ok ! I will take your advice

For the (it's a business game), don't worry it's not in my cover letter, I've just added it to make it more understandable for everyone haha
And I guess you're right for the "should", but to be more careful, what do you think about "Why choose me?".

Again thanks mate, you've definitely saved my cover letter!



Réponse : Correction/lettre motivation de kazwell, postée le 17-05-2017 à 23:59:56 (S | E)
Why choose me ? Why me of all people?

Yes , yours is definitely better , glad I could help , you're , good luck on your job application




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