invention [quelques phrases]

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invention [quelques phrases]
Message de elii-se posté le 27-05-2008 à 20:04:38 (S | E | F)
Voici le début d'un exposé sur une invention pourriez-vous s'il vous plait m'aider dans la correction.

For the first time in 2008 a computer win the first price of the Concours Lépine which recompense the main french inventors of the year. Maggi is a simply computer in order to facility the daily of elderly persons.
To use a computer, what did you need?
You need a mouse, a keyboard, a screen, a central processing unit. Sometimes you need a printer or a scanner. With Maggi you needn’t of all it. You need just a screen.
The machine is a monobloc computer with the central processing unit integrate at the screen. Maggi is made up of a touch screen (equip of a webvam). All the navigation is with any keyboard and any mouse. The user key on a large colored buttons.

Merci Elise.

Réponse: invention [quelques phrases] de hoger, postée le 27-05-2008 à 22:27:17 (S | E)
For the first time in 2008 [for he first time in what period?—the way you wrote it, it means that this was the first time in 2008, but maybe it had already happened in 2007] a computer win [conjugation!] the first price of the Concours Lépine which recompense [this is a French word] the main [does not work; try forms of "good," "original," "innovative" or the like] french inventors of the year. Maggi is a simply [form!] computer in order to [= "afin de"—what is that supposed to mean?] facility [this is the noun, you need the verb] the daily [the daily what?] of elderly persons.
To use a computer, what did [tense!] you need?
You need a mouse, a keyboard, a screen, a central processing unit. Sometimes you need a printer or a scanner. With Maggi you needn't [construction of negative!] of all it [« de tout le »?? ou « de tout cela »?]. You need just a screen [word order!].
The machine is a monobloc computer with the central processing unit integrate [participle!] at the screen. Maggi is made up of a touch screen (equip [participle!] of ["with," not "of"] a webvam). All ~~the~~ navigation is with any ["any" = "n'importe quel(le)"] keyboard and any mouse. The user key [what does "to key" mean?] on a large colored buttons [singular (article "a") or plural ("-s")?].

Réponse: invention [quelques phrases] de elii-se, postée le 28-05-2008 à 17:56:11 (S | E)
For the first time in 2008 [yes, this was the first time in 2008] a computer won the first price of the Concours Lépine which recompenses [yes but I found this word in the dictionnary why?] the good French inventors of the year. Maggi is a simple that facilitates the daily ectivities of elderly persons.
To use a computer, what do you need?
You need a mouse, a keyboard, a screen, a central processing unit. Sometimes you need a printer or a scanner. With Maggi you needn't [construction of negative!< I don't know] of all it [« de tout cela »]. You just need a screen.
The machine is a monobloc computer with the central processing unit integrated at the screen. Maggi is made up of a touch screen (equiped of with a webcam). All the navigation is with no keyboard and no mouse. The user key [what does "to key" mean? I want you to say "appuyer".] on larges colored buttons.

This is my first correction, thank you very much.

Réponse: invention [quelques phrases] de laure95, postée le 29-05-2008 à 09:49:08 (S | E)
Bonjour, tu dois corriger:
- "won": not the right tense, use the present perfect.
- "needn't" is wrong because to make the negative form of the simple present, you must use: DON'T + INFINITIVE OF THE VERB.

Réponse: invention [quelques phrases] de elii-se, postée le 29-05-2008 à 19:57:08 (S | E)
merci! nouvelle correction ;)

For the first time in 2008 [yes, this was the first time in 2008] a computer has won the first price of the Concours Lépine which recompenses [yes but I found this word in the dictionnary why?] the good French inventors of the year. Maggi is a simple that facilitates the daily ectivities of elderly persons.
To use a computer, what do you need?
You need a mouse, a keyboard, a screen, a central processing unit. Sometimes you need a printer or a scanner. With Maggi you don't need of all it [« de tout cela »]. You just need a screen.
The machine is a monobloc computer with the central processing unit integrated at the screen. Maggi is made up of a touch screen (equiped of with a webcam). All the navigation is with no keyboard and no mouse. The user key [what does "to key" mean? I want you to say "appuyer".] on larges colored buttons.

Réponse: invention [quelques phrases] de elii-se, postée le 30-05-2008 à 21:34:45 (S | E)
voici la suite avec uniquement ce dont je doute pourriez-vous m'aider dans la correction, je devrai présenter ceci à l'oral en début de semaine prochaine! merci d'avance!

Aim: Magui is a very simply computer, he was created for the middle-aged. With Magui they can communicate easily with their family since thanks to the webcam the video conference is possible, they can speak and see at the same time. The screen touch is also equipped with vocal system, with that the middle-aged aren’t obliged read their mails, the voice do that for them; all the text are transformed in sound. Magui permit also to phone easily. The users must touch the photo of the persons they want to call. Magui call the persons automatically. When Magui receive photos, it presents them with a slide show so it’s easier to consult them quietly and with a great size. In addition to sending and reception photos and mails this computer assures the consultation of the meal’s menus of the people’s home and the planning of animations, birthday and party.

Réponse: invention [quelques phrases] de elii-se, postée le 31-05-2008 à 16:47:29 (S | E)
un petit peu d'aide ?

Réponse: invention [quelques phrases] de stephenh, postée le 31-05-2008 à 17:49:20 (S | E)
Hi Elii-se,

I like your presentation very much. There remain some faults below.

For the first time in 2008 a computer has won the first price (this is not the translation of "Prix")
of the Concours Lépine which recompenses (Try "Rewards" - "to recompense" means to compensate after a loss)
the good French inventors (its inventors in general so you don't need "the" - Also I don't the think the inventors need to be good one's they just have to have one good idea to win. My preference would be to delete the word "good")
of the year. Maggi is a simple (a simple what?)
that facilitates the daily ectivities (spelling)
of elderly persons.
To use a computer, (we are talking about a specific type of computer so it is "the" not "a")
what do you need?
You need a mouse, a keyboard, a screen, a central processing unit. Sometimes you need a printer or a scanner. With Maggi you don't (Use "do not" to emphasise the point you are making)
need of all. (replace "of all" with everything)
You just need a screen.
The machine is a monobloc computer with the central processing unit integrated at the screen. Maggi is made up of a touch screen (equiped of with a webcam). All the navigation is with no keyboard and no mouse. The user key (the verb you want is "to key in" [what does "to key" mean? I want you to say "appuyer".] on larges (adjectives are not in agreed with their nouns)
colored buttons.

Keep asking for advice in English then you will think more in English and your work will be more natural.

I will post some comments on the other text in a little while.

All the best

Réponse: invention [quelques phrases] de stephenh, postée le 31-05-2008 à 19:28:00 (S | E)
Bonjour Elise

Here is the second part, (si vous voudriez m'expliquer quelque chose en français dites-moi).

Aim: Magui is a very simply (Simply is an adverb, you need an adjective)

computer, he ("he" is not used for inanimate objects)

was created for the middle-aged (middle aged? about 40 or elderly as in the first part.)

With Magui they can communicate easily with their family since thanks to the webcam the video conference (you don't need "the" as "video conferencing" is a general facility. You also need to change "video conference")

is possible, they can speak and see at the same time. The screen touch (the other way round "touch screen")

is also equipped with vocal system, with that the middle-aged (????)

aren’t obliged read (you need the full infinitive here)

their mails, the voice do (conjugation)

that for them; all the text are (conjugation text is singular)

transformed in sound. Magui permit (conjugation) also to phone easily. (This is a literal translation which does not work in English)

The users must touch the photo of the persons (you can only call one person at a time)

they want to call. Magui call (conjugation)

the persons (the user touches one person so the computer calls one person so you need the singular)

automatically. When Magui receive (conjugation)

photos, it presents them with a slide show so it’s easier to consult them quietly (Why can't the user be noisy as long as choosing this photo doesn't take too long?)

and with a great size (how big is this screen? Wall size!).

In addition to sending and reception photos (you have used "reception" which is a noun but you need a verb)

and mails this computer assures ("assures" is not the word you want here)
the consultation of the meal’s menus (You don't need meal's here but I see the problem, the computer also has menus. What you have said is that the menu belongs to the meal but the menu belongs to the retirement home!) of the people’s home and the planning of animations (faux ami), birthday and party (it helps with more than one birthday or party, so these are plural).

I think that you need to rewrite this last part you might try the effect of avoiding the word "of"

You have done very well with this work, the main fault seems to be conjugation of the 3rd person singular which is a nice easy problem to solve.

All the best

Réponse: invention [quelques phrases] de elii-se, postée le 31-05-2008 à 21:31:36 (S | E)
Aim: Magui is a very simple computer, it was created for the elderly persons.
With Magui they can communicate easily with their family since thanks to the webcam video conference is possible, they can speak and see at the same time. The touch screen is also equipped with vocal system, with that the elderly persons aren’t obliged to read their mails, the voice does that for them; all the text are transformed in sound. Magui permits also to phone easily. (This is a literal translation which does not work in English) [I don't know!]

The users must touch the photo of the person they want to call. Magui calls the personautomatically. When Magui receives photos, it presents them with a slide show so it’s easier to consult them quickly and with a great size.

In addition to sending and receive photos and mails this computer permits
the consultation of the meal’s menus (You don't need meal's here but I see the problem, the computer also has menus. What you have said is that the menu belongs to the meal but the menu belongs to the retirement home!)[here, I don't know!] of the people’s home and the animations planning, birthdays and partys.

merci pour votre aide, il y a encore quelques erreurs je pense, et il y a des endroits où je n'ai pas bien compris votre correction, merci de m'aider

elise.

Réponse: invention [quelques phrases] de elii-se, postée le 31-05-2008 à 21:47:11 (S | E)
For the first time in 2008 a computer has won the first prize of the Concours Lépine which rewards better French inventors of the year. Maggi is simply to use that facilitates the daily activities of elderly persons.
To use the computer, what do you need?
You need a mouse, a keyboard, a screen, a central processing unit. Sometimes you need a printer or a scanner. With Maggi you do not need everything.
You just need a screen.
The machine is a monobloc computer with the central processing unit integrated at the screen. Maggi is made up of a touch screen (equiped of with a webcam). All the navigation is with no keyboard and no mouse. The user pushs on wide
colored buttons.

petite correction, dites moi ce qui ne va pas, etc...
merci beaucoup

Elise

Réponse: invention [quelques phrases] de elii-se, postée le 01-06-2008 à 17:09:37 (S | E)
personne?

Réponse: invention [quelques phrases] de elii-se, postée le 02-06-2008 à 17:52:11 (S | E)

Réponse: invention [quelques phrases] de costic, postée le 03-06-2008 à 13:48:54 (S | E)
C’est bien la premiere fois que le concours lepine est remporté grâce à un ordinateur, et pas seulement en 2008. Tel que c’est écrit, il y a un problème de syntaxe. Je n’écrirais pas comme tu l’as fait, mais si je reprends, ça donnerait. Attention, quelques fautes peuvent subsiter ;) :

This year and for the first time, a computer won the first prize of the Concours Lepine, which rewarded
the best French inventor.
Maggi is simple to use and facilitates the daily activities of the elderly persons.
What do you need to use this computer ? Just a screen.
It’s a monobloc machine, made up of a CPU within the touchscreen, and which also includes a webcam.
All the navigation is done by pushing wide colors button and not anymore with a keyboard nor a mouse.

Réponse: invention [quelques phrases] de costic, postée le 03-06-2008 à 13:52:21 (S | E)
D'ailleurs, je viens de relever une faute :p

This year and for the first time, a computer won the first prize of the Concours Lepine, which rewards
the best French inventors.
Maggi is simple to use and facilitates the daily activities of the elderly persons.
What do you need to use this computer ? Just a screen.
It’s a monobloc machine, made up of a CPU within the touchscreen, and which also includes a webcam.
All the navigation is done by pushing wide colors button and not anymore with a keyboard nor a mouse.

Réponse: invention [quelques phrases] de pif63, postée le 03-06-2008 à 16:46:36 (S | E)
je pense que which dans le dernier paragraph n'est pas indipensable et je trouve que 3 formes de negation c'est trop:not-anymore-nor

Réponse: invention [quelques phrases] de costic, postée le 03-06-2008 à 17:45:52 (S | E)
j ai hesité pour le "nor" mais effectivement, le "or" serait bien mieux
pour le which, il n'est pas indispensable... oui.

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