Correction de mon poème en prose

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Correction de mon poème en prose
Message de wargrinder posté le 21-04-2010 à 19:11:21 (S | E | F)
Hello ! There's a poem I've written, I would like someone to correct my mistakes please.

Merci beaucoup

Between day and night

This mental suffering, which is growing within...
Oh, my love, where can we find peace ?
All this hate all around. Where is the real human nature ?
Where can I find humanity in this world ?

We're all looking for freedom, we're all looking for happiness.
Can it be a sin ? It's the source of our madness.
Just take time to see the world which has been given to us.
Just take time to appreciate all the very small things.

Intolerence is the wrong way, and tolerance for
Imperfection is the light. Think about the love that our
Hearts can create. Now, can you feel the warmth ?
Humanity is not bad, humanity is sick.

Don't let the light fade away.
Please, someone to help us !
Just to find a way,
And bring the day to us.

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Réponse: Correction de mon poème en prose de notrepere, postée le 21-04-2010 à 19:37:45 (S | E)
Hello:

Bon travail! Une seule correction:

Please, someone to help us !

It seems clear that day = light and night = dark, but you talk about "light" throughout your poem which is referring to love, peace, etc. but end the poem talking about "day" instead of "light". You might want to use the same motif (light) along with the word (day).

Illumine our darkness today...To illumine our day...And send the dark away...Enlighten our day, etc.

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Réponse: Correction de mon poème en prose de wargrinder, postée le 21-04-2010 à 23:17:58 (S | E)
Thank you very much for your correction.

Yeah, well seen for the end. I'll choose "and send the dark away."

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