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Essay TOEIC/ quel avis

Cours gratuits > Forum > Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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Essay TOEIC/ quel avis
Message de jenna22 posté le 27-09-2013 à 12:09:33 (S | E | F)
Bonjour à tous,

Je suis actuellement en train de préparer le TOEIC (speaking and writing ainsi que listening and reading);je dois avoir 350 points au 1er et 900 points au 2eme. Je m'entraîne avec les annales. Voilà un "essay" que j'ai fait,mais évidemment, sans aucun avis extérieur, il est difficile de s'auto-juger.
Qu'en pensez-vous?
Merci pour vos réponses.

Your response will be scored on
• whether your opinion is supported with reasons and/or examples,
• grammar,
• vocabulary, and
• organization.
SUBJECT : There are many ways to find a job: newspaper advertisements, Internet job search websites, and personal recommendations.
What do you think is the best way to fi nd a job? Give reasons or examples to support your opinion.


Even though I do not have a large experience in finding a job, from what I know and what I’ve learnt, relationships are the key. It was one of the reasons I was taken for almost every job I had. I believe that’s a question of trust. As hard as hiring can be, a recommendation from someone you trust is always a good point. I can also be a guarantee. Among the sea of candidates that generally apply for an advertisement, resumes may sometimes not be enough for the boss, and that’s why a lot of times, they prefer to rely on personal recommendations. I, for example, worked as an assistant in a fashion firm’s office. The HRD had absolutely no intention on publishing an advertisement : he asked to the employees if they knew somebody that could fit the profile. My cousin gave my resume, two weeks later I had the job. Furthermore, when people answer an advertisement, it is very more likely there will be many more applicants for the job. The stronger concurrence can be one more obstacle on the path to finding a job. Another interesting point with personal recommendations is that they are made by another person than you. Your curriculum vitae, on the other hand, along with your motivation letter were written by you. And somebody trying to find a job may not be objective, or worst, sincere. A more neutral point of view reassures the employer on your real motivations and acquaintances.
Still, all of this might seem unfair : what about the people without any relationships in the field they are trying to apply to? Do they have less chance than the other ones? I do think that sadly, yes. It does not mean they will less succeed but unfortunately they may encounter more difficulties.

-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 27-09-2013 12:15


Réponse: Essay TOEIC/ quel avis de simplicius, postée le 27-09-2013 à 13:56:50 (S | E)
Bonjour Jenna,

Dans l'ensemble votre texte me semble bien écrit pour la forme, avec de jolies tournures de phrases. J'ai noté quelques petites erreurs... Les passages selon moi fautifs sont suivis d'un commentaire entre [crochets].

Even though I do not have a large experience in finding a job, from what I know and what I’ve learnt, relationships are the key. It was one of the reasons I was taken for almost every job I had. I believe that’s a question of trust. As hard as hiring can be, a recommendation from someone you trust is always a good point. I can also be a guarantee. [pas sur de comprendre cette phrase] Among the sea of candidates that generally apply for an advertisement [apply for a job, or answer an advertisement], resumes may sometimes not be enough for the boss, and that’s why a lot of times, they prefer to rely on personal recommendations. I, for example, worked as an assistant in a fashion firm’s office. The HRD [il vaut mieux écrire en toutes lettres] had absolutely no intention on [on n'est pas la bon préposition ici] publishing an advertisement : he asked to [non, pas to] the employees if they knew somebody that [who est mieux je crois] could fit the profile. My cousin gave my resume, [and plutôt qu'une virgule] two weeks later I had the job. Furthermore, when people answer an advertisement, it is very more likely [very more : non. trouvez autre chose] likely there will be many more applicants for the job. The stronger concurrence [faux ami, cf un dico] can be one more obstacle on the path to finding a job. Another interesting point with personal recommendations is that they are made by another person than you [somebody else]. Your curriculum vitae, on the other hand, along with your motivation letter were written by you. And somebody trying to find a job may not be objective, or worst [il ne faut pas un superlatif ici], sincere. A more neutral point of view reassures the employer on your real motivations and acquaintances.
Still, all of this might seem unfair : what about the people without any relationships in the field they are trying to apply to? Do they have less chance than the other ones? I do think that sadly, yes [faites plus concis en utilsant 'so']. It does not mean they will less succeed [ordre des mots] but unfortunately they may encounter more difficulties.

Sur le fond je laisse à d'autres le soin de se prononcer, mais j'ai l'impression que cela répond bien à ce qui vous est demandé.
Bonne journée
simplicious



Réponse: Essay TOEIC/ quel avis de jenna22, postée le 27-09-2013 à 14:13:59 (S | E)
Un grand merci pour cette réponse éclairante. Il y a effectivement une faute de frappe que je n'avais pas vue :
IT can also be a guarantee (et non pas I).
Thanks a lot!




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