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Correction /études USA

Cours gratuits > Forum > Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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Correction /études USA
Message de clemencenrgt posté le 06-01-2014 à 18:24:37 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,

j'aurais besoin d'aide car je cherche à faire mes études aux USA,et je me suis inscrit sur la Common Application, afin de s'inscrire dans les universités. Il y a alors une catégorie Essai où je dois écrire un texte de 650 mots maximum sur le sujet suivant:
"Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family."
Je fais donc appel aux bilingues pour me corriger avant d'envoyer ma réponse.
Merci pour votre aide..

---> "Childhood is complex and everyone lives this period differently, learning and experimenting things which will be useful for the rest of our life. The day we understand everything we have been through during this period, was gainful to live in the best conditions, it means we just enter in the adulthood. However it is really difficult to identify that moment but i tried to remember an event I just felt I was becoming an adult. Indeed I'm french and I dream to study in California and I always did, but I really felt that I actually needed it last year. I realized that I had this need to fly with my own wings and I never dreamt of anything else but go to an American university in order to study. I saw my parents realizing that it wasn't just an idea or an ephemeral ambition but that I was really convinced and nobody would prevent me. I knew i was becoming an adult because I didn't feel sad but I felt joy seeing my parents who were looking at me as I suddenly changed and became a girl who was not their little child anymore. I have always been eager but this day I deeply knew that I would always fight to reach my goal and show the world that everything I have always dreamt of is possible. I also understood that you become an adult when you understand the person you will be for the rest of your life to live the best experience you can. I really wanted to tell this event because I believe that it is something which is anchored in me and expresses my personality the best."

-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 06-01-2014 19:26


Réponse: Correction /études USA de carr30, postée le 07-01-2014 à 15:37:56 (S | E)
Hi

The meaning of the second sentence is unclear. Try writing shorter sentences, where 1 sentence = 1 idea or 1 point. e.g. The day we understand everything we have been through during this period, is important. We lived an ideal life. Now we enter adulthood.. I have found that French and Spanish students love long sentences but often add subordinate clauses that do not make sense.

Good luck with your application but never forget your parents.


===================


> "Childhood is complex and everyone lives through this period differently, learning and experimenting with things which will be useful for the rest of our life.

The day we understand everything we have been through during this period, was gainful to live in the best conditions, it means we just enter in the adulthood. The meaning of this is not clear. Try rewriting as 2 sentences


However it is really difficult to identify that moment but I tried..try now to remember an event when I just felt I was becoming an adult. Indeed I'm French and I dream to study of studying in California and I always did..have, but I really felt that I actually needed it last year. I realized that I had this need to fly with my own wings and I never dreamt of anything else but go to an American university in order to study. I saw my parents realizing that it wasn't just an idea or an ephemeral ambition but that I was really convinced and nobody would..could prevent me.

I knew i was becoming an adult because I didn't feel sad but I felt joy seeing my parents who were looking at me as I suddenly changed and became a girl who was not their little child anymore. I have always been eager but this..on that day I deeply knew that I would always fight to reach my goal and show the world that everything I have always dreamt of is possible.

I also understood that you become an adult when you understand the person you will be for the rest of your life ..and become determined?../ and decide.? to live the best experience you can. I really wanted to tell of this event because I believe that it is something which is anchored in me and expresses my personality the best."




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