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Correction lettre de motivation Erasmus

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Correction lettre de motivation Erasmus
Message de foufie1284 posté le 16-02-2010 à 23:08:57 (S | E | F)

Bonsoir, je me permets d'avoir recours à vous pour la correction de ma lettre de motivation pour un départ en Erasmus l'année prochaine.
J'y ai passé des heures mais plus je la relis plus je trouve de choses à changer, tant au niveau du contenu (j'ai l'impression qu'il manque pas mal de choses pour que ma demande soit prise au sérieux) qu'au niveau de la langue.
C'est pourquoi je demande votre aide, quelques avis objectifs me seront de la plus grande aide, ainsi qu'une correction dans la mesure du possible.

Je suis une habituée du site mais pas du forum, j'espère que j'ai posté ma demande au bon endroit.



Dear Sir or Madam,

After having discussed with my teachers about the opportunities offered to the students willing to study one year abroad, I have decided to fill in an application form to take part in the ERASMUS exchange program.

I am currently an undergraduate student in third year of English Licence en Langues et Civilisations Etrangères. Serious, open-minded and always avid for learning more, I think that this year could be a wonderful and nevertheless necessary experience, the culmination (/outcome) of three years spent studying English as well as the better way for me to go from L3 to M1.

Moreover, to spend a full year in an English-speaking country is a hope I cherish for years. I cannot imagine that studying a living language is possible without having lived in the country for at least a few months.

Provided that you allow me to participate to your program, I want you to know that whatever the university you send me to and whatever the place, I know for sure that it will be an extraordinary chance for me to improve the quality and fluency of my English and I also know for having talked about it with many Erasmus students that it will be a rewarding experience in so many ways and I think that such an experience is the better way, if not the only, to master a language.
This opportunity to live ten months in the UK will also be the occasion to rediscover its culture from the inside and there is absolutely no doubt that from a personal point of view, it will be an unforgettable and profitable year that will also be a big help(/push?) in my professional life.

Yours Faithfully,

Sophie X.

-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 17-02-2010 13:09
forum


Réponse: Correction lettre de motivation Erasmus de brettdallen, postée le 17-02-2010 à 00:18:20 (S | E)
Hello Sophie,
Don't worry you did a very good job! There are only a few comments to be made.
Apart from the language part, I'd say you mainly focus on the experience YOU would gain from this programme. They know that all the students applying for it want to have an experience abroad and to improve their language abilities, but what they'd probabably like to know is what contribution you would make to it all. I don't know much about this programme except that it's meant to sort of enhance European exchange among students and make Europe become a reality.
Considering this, why don't you say 1)I need the experience 2) I would participate actively in the programme(e.g personal projects to spread the French culture : reading activities with the other students, teaching French, giving presentations on your country/culture, projects to contribute to the team spirit : sporting events, hiking to get to know places, outings, parties....). If you show you want to make things happen, you want to learn and share at the same time, you want to be a European student, then it'll sound much better! that's my own view.
Now let's get to your application form.



Dear Sir or Madam,

After having discussed with my teachers about the opportunities offered to the students willing to study one year abroad, I have decided to fill in an application form to take part in the ERASMUS exchange program.(well written, but as I said earlier, it sounds like "it's because I discussed with my teachers"! you'd better say 1)I had this idea(motivation!) 2)I asked for advice 3) they recommanded it to me!

I am currently an undergraduate student in third year of English Licence en Langues et Civilisations Etrangères. ("I am")Serious, open-minded and always avid for learning more,( . ) I think that this year could be a wonderful and nevertheless(it doesn't make much sense here and I'd say you should avoid the word!) necessary experience, the culmination (/outcome) of three years spent studying English as well as the better way for me to go from L3 to M1(Hey! Great! OK, sign here!).

Moreover, to spend("spending") a full year in an English-speaking country is a hope I cherish(what about "present perfect"? try and find another verb then) for years. I cannot imagine that studying a living language is possible without having lived in the country for at least a few months(I agree with you but this is just commonsense. Why should I say "OK Sophie, we're looking forward to meeting you?") .

Provided that you allow me to participate to your program, I want you to know that whatever the university you send me to and whatever the place, I know for sure that it will be(your sentence is very good but up to that point I would you you would say "I promise I'll be a very devoted student!" Now read what follows...) an extraordinary chance for me to improve the quality and fluency of my English and I also know for having talked about it with many Erasmus students that it will be a rewarding experience in so many ways and I think that such an experience is the better way, if not the only, to master a language(again you're saying "I want to learn the language." + your sentence is a bit too long, don't you think?).
This opportunity to live ten months in the UK will also be the occasion to rediscover its culture from the inside and there is absolutely no doubt that from a personal point of view, it will be an unforgettable and profitable year that will also be a big help(/push?) in my professional life.(OK I'll make the same comment : I !)

Yours Faithfully,

I hope I didn't sound too rude in my comments. You wanted to know about your letter, I wanted to let you know! as I've already said it the language is good but you forgot to tell these people why they should say Ok to you. Consider this and try to leave out certain parts and add what they want to read!
Good luck!



Réponse: Correction lettre de motivation Erasmus de foufie1284, postée le 17-02-2010 à 00:58:24 (S | E)
Thanks a lot for your answer!
No, you didn't sound rude at all! I wanted to know what was wrong about my letter, and that's just what you did!!!
You're completely right. I was also affraid that my letter was too self-focused and maybe repetitive, but actually I'm sure about what it could bring to me, but I'm not about what I could bring to the university! -even though you gave me some good ideas!!! I'll try to focus on that too ;)

Now just let me ask you about [a hope I cherish(what about "present perfect"? try and find another verb then) for years.]: is "a hope I have cherished for years" good? or do I have to replace the verbe cherish? Sorry I don't get it, maybe it's time for me to go to sleep! ^^

Once again thanks for your help, if someone else has got something more to say, you're welcomed! =D


Réponse: Correction lettre de motivation Erasmus de kekedu13, postée le 17-02-2010 à 09:22:20 (S | E)
C'est très bien suaf que tu as mi deux mots en français au lieu de les mettre en anglais( ligne 5 et 6 "en=in", "et=and"). Bonne Chance!!!!

Dear Sir or Madam,

After having discussed with my teachers about the opportunities offered to the students willing to study one year abroad, I have decided to fill in an application form to take part in the ERASMUS exchange program.

I am currently an undergraduate student in third year of English Licence in Langues and foreign Cilivisations. Serious, open-minded and always avid for learning more, I think that this year could be a wonderful and nevertheless necessary experience, the culmination (/outcome) of three years spent studying English as well as the better way for me to go from L3 to M1.

Moreover, to spend a full year in an English-speaking country is a hope I cherish for years. I cannot imagine that studying a living language is possible without having lived in the country for at least a few months.

Provided that you allow me to participate to your program, I want you to know that whatever the university you send me to and whatever the place, I know for sure that it will be an extraordinary chance for me to improve the quality and fluency of my English and I also know for having talked about it with many Erasmus students that it will be a rewarding experience in so many ways and I think that such an experience is the better way, if not the only, to master a language.
This opportunity to live ten months in the UK will also be the occasion to rediscover its culture from the inside and there is absolutely no doubt that from a personal point of view, it will be an unforgettable and profitable year that will also be a big help in my professional life.

Yours Faithfully,

Sophie X.




Réponse: Correction lettre de motivation Erasmus de foufie1284, postée le 17-02-2010 à 12:28:59 (S | E)
Merci keke, en fait j'ai volontairement laissé LLCE en français vu que je ne trouve pas d'équivalent anglais.
Merci à tous les deux en tout cas, vous m'avez rassuré quand aux éventuelles fautes (je ne suis pas certaine qu'une faute tous les 3 mots fassent une bonne impression dans une lettre de motiv, surtout en 3ème année d'LLCE! )
Je reste toujours ouverte aux suggestions; merci!


Réponse: Correction lettre de motivation Erasmus de foufie1284, postée le 17-02-2010 à 20:29:58 (S | E)

Nouvelle version remasterisée!!! ^^   


J'ai changé pas mal de petites choses, essayé de placer l'idée de partage qui effectivement me parait très juste; et essayé d'éliminer quelques 'I', mais sans grand succès..


Merci me dire ce que vous en pensez ainsi que les fautes d'anglais que j'ai pu commettre, ça m'aide énormément 


 


  Dear Sir or Madam,


Being willing to study one year abroad and after having discussed with my teachers about the opportunities offered to the students to do so, I have decided to fill in an application form to take part in the ERASMUS exchange program.


I am currently an undergraduate student in third year of English Licence en Langues et Civilisations Etrangères. I am serious, open-minded and always avid for learning more. I think that this year could be a wonderful and necessary experience, the culmination of three years spent studying English as well as the better way for me to go from L3 to M1.


Moreover, spending a full year in an English-speaking country is a dream I have had for years [and what about «a hope I have cherishing for years»? ce verbe me turlupine ^^]. I cannot imagine that studying a living language is possible without having lived in the country for at least a few months.


Provided that you allow me to participate to your program, I want you to know that whatever the university you send me to and whatever the place [j'ai l'impression qu'il manque quelque chose ici...], I know for sure that it will be an extraordinary chance for me. I also know for having talked about it with many Erasmus students that it will be a rewarding experience in so many different ways and I think that such an experience is the better way, if not the only, to improve the quality and fluency of my English and to aim to master a language.


This opportunity to live ten months in the UK will also be the occasion for me to rediscover its culture from the inside and to share mine with people who may be curious about France and our way of living. This could be a year of sharing [pas trop cucul dit de cette manière?] and there is absolutely no doubt that it will be an unforgettable and profitable year from a personal point of view that will also help me in my professional life to come.


Yours Faithfully,


Sophie X.




 



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Modifié par foufie1284 le 17-02-2010 20:32



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