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Correction/ lettre motivation

Cours gratuits > Forum > Thèmes généraux, jeux, chansons || En bas

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Correction/ lettre motivation
Message de alex2708 posté le 26-12-2013 à 17:54:11 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,

Je suis actuellement à la recherche d'un VIE (volontariat international en entreprise). Je voudrais l'effectuer aux USA.
Serait-il possible qu'un anglophone ou une personne bilingue puisse m'aider avec la correction, svp s'il vous plaît ?
Je vous remercie.

Dear Sir or Madam,

Subjects taught while my studding are not only oriented and formed me for a future professional project, they also give me the passion for travels.
It is my path and my schooling which bring me, today, to solicit you. To evaluate professionally and also personally, I would like to do a VIE (Volontariat International en Entreprise) in your company for a minimum period of one year, available from the 1st August 2014.

During my study, I had the opportunity to prove my competences by doing several internships, notably within the XXX – Marketing and Direct Channels – by organizing the Marathon as main mission (10 000 participants). This mission gives me the chance to demonstrate my dynamism and to show my organizational skills many times over. Indeed, after dealing with the administrative part, I took care of the following independently during the event where I was the main contact of the person in charge of events and the person in charge of the Marketing department. I had to be resilient to stress and I had to anticipate problems to give quick answer to questions of employees (volunteers) and marathon participants, to also ensure an optimal visibility of xxx.

Consequently, I would like to make available my dynamism, my anticipation and my creativity to XXX because your values (ENUMERATION), your projects (ENUMERATION) and also your strategy (ENUMERATION) match perfectly with my professional project and to my expectations.

If you are interested or if you have any questions I am available for a phone interview.

I would like to thank you for taking the time to consider my application and I am looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours faithfully,

Please find my curriculum vitae enclosed.

-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 26-12-2013 17:58


Réponse: Correction/ lettre motivation de carr30, postée le 02-01-2014 à 19:49:14 (S | E)
Hello

I understand your letter but there are some errors, do you still want it corrected?



Réponse: Correction/ lettre motivation de alex2708, postée le 03-01-2014 à 20:33:43 (S | E)
Hello,

Thank you for your answer. Yes, I would like a correction if it is possible.
Thank you,
Alex.



Réponse: Correction/ lettre motivation de carr30, postée le 03-01-2014 à 21:32:36 (S | E)
Hi

Some of your phrasing in this letter needs revision. I have rewritten some of it. You must carefully review these changes and check that they say what you mean.I have suggested alternative words in some places which will need checking too.
Good luck with your application, post your revision on here

Subjects taught while my studding are not only oriented and formed me for a future professional project, they also give me the passion for travels.= Subjects I have studied have prepared me for a professional career and given me a passion for travel.


It is my path and my schooling which bring me, today, to solicit you. To evaluate professionally and also personally,= .It is my ambition and education that leads me to write to you. To progress professionally and personally I would like to do a VIE (Volontariat International en Entreprise) in your company for a minimum period of one year, available from the 1st August 2014.

During my study (make study plural), I had the opportunity to prove my competences by doing several internships, notably within the XXX – Marketing and Direct Channels – by organizing the there are many marathons, specify which one or use 'a', Marathon as a main mission...project?Check the definitions of project and mission (10 000 participants). This mission gives needs preterit me the chance to demonstrate my dynamism and to show my organizational skills many times over. Indeed, after As well as dealing with the administration ve part, I took care of the following tasks? independently during the event: I was the main contact of the person in charge of events and the person in charge of the Marketing department. I think a simple list of your marathon tasks would be better here e.g
These are the tasks I performed for the marathon:
1 Administration...
2 Main contact .... etc


I had to be resilient to stress and I had to anticipate problems to give quick answers to questions of from employees (volunteers) and marathon participants, to also ensure an optimal visibility check 'publicity' of for xxx.

Consequently, I would like to make available = offer? my dynamism, my anticipation and my creativity to XXX because your values (ENUMERATION), your projects (ENUMERATION) and also your strategy (ENUMERATION) match perfectly with my professional project check 'ambition' and to my expectations. check 'aspirations'

If you are interested or if you have any questions I am available for a phone interview.

I would like to thank you for taking the time to consider my application and I am looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours faithfully,

Please find my curriculum vitae enclosed.



Réponse: Correction/ lettre motivation de alex2708, postée le 05-01-2014 à 18:45:49 (S | E)
I have done some changes and followed your advices by trying to respect the original meaning. What do you think about it? :

Dear Sir or Madam,

Subjects taught while my studies are not only lead me towards a professional project, they also give me a passion for travel.

It is my experience and my education which bring me, today, to write to you. In order to progress professionally I would like to do a VIE (Volontariat International en Entreprise) within your company in the U.S.A. for a minimum period of one year. I am available from the 1st August 2014.

During my studies, I had the opportunity to prove my competences by doing several internships, notably within the XXX – Marketing and Direct Channels – by organizing a Marathon (more than 10 000 participants). This project gave me the chance to demonstrate my dynamism and to show my organizational skills: after dealing with the administrative part, I followed up for the sporting event independently. I had to be resilient to stress and I had to anticipate problems to fix it quickly to meet participants’ expectations (runners and spectators).

Consequently, I would like to offer my dynamism, my anticipation and my creativity to XXX because your values (ENUMERATION), your projects (ENUMERATION) and also your strategy (ENUMERATION) match perfectly my projects and my meet my expectations.

If you are interested or if you have any questions I am available for a phone interview.

I would like to thank you for taking the time to consider my application and I am looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours faithfully,

Please find my curriculum vitae enclosed



Réponse: Correction/ lettre motivation de carr30, postée le 06-01-2014 à 22:01:43 (S | E)
Hi

A project in English is a short to medium term series of tasks, e.g. a computer project to build a system, a building project to make a house etc

When translating your 'projet professionnel' the English term 'professional project' does not have the correct equivalent meaning. Revise the key word 'career' and think of using terms like 'career plans', 'career path' or 'career ambitions'.


The exact meaning of 'I followed up for the sporting event independently' is not clear to me.

Your letter is already looking much better

Good luck with application.

=====

Subjects taught I have studied while duringmy studies courseare have not only lead me towards a professional project, they also give me a passion for travel.

It is my experience and my education which bring me, today, to write to you. In order to progress professionally I would like to do a VIE (Volontariat International en Entreprise) within your company in the U.S.A. for a minimum period of one year. I am available from the 1st August 2014.

During my studies, I had the opportunity to prove my competences by doing several internships, notably within the XXX ? Marketing and Direct Channels division?/department?/section? , by organizing a Marathon with more than 10 000 participants . This project gave me the chance to demonstrate my dynamism and to show my organizational skills: after dealing with the administrative part, I followed up for the sporting event independently..I'm not sure exactly what this means..Does 'I supported the actual event myself' sound right?
. I had to be resilient to stress...work under pressure and I had to anticipate problems toand fix it them quickly to meet participants' expectations of both the runners and spectators .

Consequently, I would like to offer my dynamism, my anticipation and my creativity to XXX because your values (ENUMERATION), your projects (ENUMERATION) and also your strategy (ENUMERATION) match perfectly my projects and my meet my expectations.

If you are interested or if you have any questions I am available for a phone interview.

I would like to thank you for taking the time to consider my application and I am looking forward to hearing from you soon.



Réponse: Correction/ lettre motivation de alex2708, postée le 17-01-2014 à 11:57:03 (S | E)
Thank you for your suggestion, here, my new try and I hope the last. =)

These four-year studies focused on management international have not only been fundamental in defining my future career goals, it also gives me a passion for travel.

It is my experience and my education which bring me, today, to write to you. In order to progress professionally I would like to do a VIE (Volontariat International en Entreprise) within your company in the U.S.A. for a minimum period of one year. I am available from the 1st October 2014.

During my studies, I had the opportunity to prove my competence by doing several internships, notably within the XXX – Marketing and Direct Channels department – by organizing the XXX Marathon (more than 10 000 participants). This project gave me the chance to demonstrate my dynamism and to show my organizational skills: after dealing with the administrative part, I took responsibility for the global event (manage the event team, lead the marketing action for the launch of the new ING product, ensure the visibility of ING, etc.). I had to work under pressure and I had to anticipate problems and fix them quickly to meet expectations of both runners and spectators.

Consequently, I would like to offer my dynamism, my anticipation and my creativity to XXX because your values (ENUMERATION), your projects (ENUMERATION) and also your strategy (ENUMERATION) match perfectly my plans and meet my expectations.




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