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Feedback/cover letter

Forum > English only || Bottom

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Feedback/cover letter
Message from woonro posted on 22-12-2013 at 02:00:46 (D | E | F)
Hello everyone.
I got many tips from guides on the internet, but I feel that my letter needs to be reviewed…
I would really appreciate if you guys could give me feedback and check for grammar mistakes.
I have to send this letter before January the 7th.
Thanks.
Guillaume

"Attn: Graduate Selection Committee

After receiving your program’s information from my engineering school, I realized the many great opportunities I could benefit from a Master of Science in [Master’s Title] at [University Name]. With a multidisciplinary background in engineering acquired at the [Graduate School of Engineering] over 3 years, I now seek to gain a more thorough understanding of the skills and knowledge necessary to be successful in a research-oriented environment.

After graduating high school with an emphasis on science, I wanted to do something for the environment, as well as know more about engineering. I have studied at the [Graduate School of Engineering] since 2010, where I accumulated extensive knowledge about multiple engineering sciences. Last year, my desire to study sustainable energy was strongly reinforced when I was introduced to typical energy systems including gas, steam, and wind turbines. I now wish to understand more about these processes, and their impact on the environment. I also truly enjoyed working as a team on the energy projects assigned. For example, the last one consisted of modeling a gas turbine with the LabVIEW software. I found the project particularly fascinating as I could observe the impact of small data variations like temperature and pressure on final results such as the yield of the turbine. As a 4th year Energy Option student, I will increase my understanding of conception, modeling, simulation, and optimization of several energy systems until July in 2014. I believe that this new knowledge will greatly benefit me in my pursuit of the Master in [Master Title]. It is true that I faced some obstacles during my first two years at the [Graduate School of Engineering], and I regret my lack of involvement because I was far from showing my best self. I am aware that this Master of Science requires a complete commitment, and I know that my dedication and persistence will lead me to success.

I am certain that studying two years at [University Name] will be a great opportunity to gain solid research abilities as well as valuable expertise as a benefit for my later professional experiences. Furthermore, a master’s degree in [Master’s Title] will provide me with various opportunities to work as an energy engineer in Sweden later on. As the Swedish government is known to promote efficient and sustainable energy to use in the country, I want to benefit from the increasing job opportunities within this sector.

Besides the skills I have obtained from my education, my last professional experience strengthened my ability to communicate in close contact with my teammates in an English speaking environment. As you can see from my resume, I recently completed an IT engineering internship in Bahrain, which led me to be proficient in both writing and speaking the English language. This experience helped me to realize what I really want, which is to pursue my study abroad, where I could interact and work with students coming from different cultures and backgrounds.

I am confident that my motivation, personal skills and previous education will help me to pursue my studies at [University Name] very successfully. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,"

-------------------
Edited by lucile83 on 22-12-2013 08:22


Re: Feedback/cover letter from carr30, posted on 29-12-2013 at 13:51:21 (D | E)
Hi
I think your application is perfectly clear and substantially correct. My few comments are really only to do with style.
Good luck with the application


"Attn: Graduate Selection Committee

After receiving your program’s information from my engineering school, I realized the many great opportunities I could benefit from (needs a verb here..studying for?, completing ?,gaining? having? )a Master of Science in [Master’s Title] at [University Name]. With a multidisciplinary background in engineering acquired at the [Graduate School of Engineering] over 3 years, I now seek to gain a more thorough understanding of the skills and knowledge necessary to be successful in a research-oriented environment.

After graduating high school with an emphasis on science, I wanted to do something for the environment, as well as know more about engineering. I have studied at the [Graduate School of Engineering] since 2010, where I accumulated extensive knowledge about multiple engineering sciences. Last year, my desire to study sustainable energy was strongly reinforced when I was introduced to typical energy systems including gas, steam, and wind turbines. I now wish to understand more about these processes, and their impact on the environment. I also truly enjoyed working as a team on the energy projects assigned. For example, the last one consisted of modeling a gas turbine with the LabVIEW software. I found the project particularly fascinating as I could observe the impact of small data variations like temperature and pressure on final results such as the yield of the turbine. As a 4th year Energy Option student, I will increase my understanding of conception, modeling, simulation, and optimization of several energy systems until July in 2014. I believe that this new knowledge will greatly benefit me in my pursuit of the Master in [Master Title]. It is true that I faced some obstacles during my first two years at the [Graduate School of Engineering], and I regret my lack of involvement because I was far from showing my best self(demonstrating the best of my ability/ my true potential?) . I am aware that this Master of Science requires a complete commitment, and I know that my dedication and persistence will lead me to success.

I am certain that studying two years at [University Name] will be a great opportunity to gain solid research abilities as well as valuable expertise as a benefit for my later professional experiences. Furthermore, a master’s degree in [Master’s Title] will provide me with various opportunities to work as an energy engineer in Sweden later on. As The Swedish government is known to promote efficient and sustainable energy to use in the country and I want to benefit from the increasing job opportunities within this sector. ( 'As' doesn't seem logical to me here. Starting sentences with conjunctions is best avoided where possible.)

Besides the skills I have obtained from my education, my last professional experience strengthened my ability to communicate in close contact with my teammates in an English speaking environment. As you can see from my resume, I recently completed an IT engineering internship in Bahrain, which led me to be proficient in both writing and speaking the English language. This experience helped me to realize what I really want, which is to pursue my study abroad, where I could interact and work with students coming from different cultures and backgrounds.

I am confident that my motivation, personal skills and previous education will help me to pursue my studies at [University Name] very successfully. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,"




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