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Correction/Stock exchange

Forum > English only || Bottom

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Correction/Stock exchange
Message from again57 posted on 13-04-2014 at 14:12:25 (D | E | F)
Hello,

As I said in a previous post, currently I (do) need to improve my English skills for professional reasons and that is why every day, I try to learn some vocabulary, to speak into a microphone, to read some news, to listen any audio documents and of course to write. So, I write anything to make writing easier for me and especially with the hope to validate my probation period... Actually, I have to advise some wealthy clients with their investments on the stock exchange. So, the text I submit right now to you is a fake just to practise, but please could you take a little of your time to have a look at it and correct it or explain what is not well. Please, take into consideration the texts I write are read by native clients in the world of finance, so don't hesitate to say all that you think is a mistake.
Here is my text:

Dear X,
Thank you for consulting us about your investment project on the stock exchange. We are glad to make you an offer. Please, find below our study of your profile and our proposal.

First, we think that your profile is entitled to make profit with some derivative products. Indeed, as a financial institution you are not restricted about your investments. Indeed, any companies do not allow by law to trade with certain financial products. That is not the case here. So, in order to cut down on the loss risk, we think that you should diversify your investment into four sectors. The first thing should be to divide yourself geographically and put money in the USA, in Europe and in Asia. Secondly, in these three geographic points it would be relevant to invest in sectors like petrochemical industry, construction and insurance institutions. However, this type of investments require much work to make it profitable. So, it is why we offer some products which ones respond to this need without requiring so time to attend to. Moreover, in this kind of products in addition to these previous diversities we have some derivatives products which are more risked, but also more profitable and a good allocation between products brings a good profitability. The products we can offer you…

No end
Thank you very much for all of you who help me with my race determination to improve my English.

-------------------
Edited by again57 on 13-04-2014 15:47

-------------------
Edited by lucile83 on 13-04-2014 16:06


Re: Correction/Stock exchange from gerondif, posted on 13-04-2014 at 16:23:03 (D | E)
Hello,

Dear X,
Thank you for consulting us about your investment project on the stock exchange. We are glad to make you an offer. Please, find below our study of your profile and our proposal.

First, we think that your profile is entitled to make profit with some derivative products. How can a" profile" the image you have of somebody, be entitled to make a profit ??

Indeed, as a financial institution you are not restricted about your investments. Indeed, any companies do not allow by law to trade with certain financial products. Wrong use of any!!!! Some companies, certain companies are not allowed to.....

That is not the case here. So, in order to cut down on the loss risk, we think that you should diversify your investment into four sectors. The first thing (objective? "thing" is a little too common) should be to divide yourself geographically and put(invest) money in(into? not here I think) the USA, in Europe and in Asia. Secondly, in these three geographic points it would be relevant to invest in sectors like petrochemical industry, construction and insurance institutions. However, this type of investments require much (normally, for purists, much is used in interrogative and negative sentences, a lot of in affirmative sentences) work to make it profitable. So, it (That is why we)is why we offer some products which ones respond to this need without requiring too much attention

so (so much)time to attend to. so + adj// so many + plural noun // so much + singular noun . The sentence doesn't make sense.

Moreover, in this kind of products, in addition to these previous diversities, we have some derivatives products which are more risked(adjective: risky comparartive: riskier), but also more profitable and a good allocation between products brings a good profitability. The products we can offer you…




Re: Correction/Stock exchange from again57, posted on 13-04-2014 at 18:24:21 (D | E)
Hello gerondif,

Many, many thanks for your answers here and on my other post.

So, I took back my text and corrected what you told me. Here are my comments:

- Profile I replaced it by feature which is probably more exact?

- Some against any, indeed first I wrote it because the sentence is positive, but I replaced it with any because I read in a document "any stg..." translated into "n'importe quel..." by a translator.

- To be allowed, I don't have an excuse... I know it's a big mistake

- Put money in the USA, Is not that correct, That is more correct: Invest money into the USA?

- About this sentence "So it is why we offer some products which respond to this need without requiring too much attention" you said the sentence doesn't make sense. But, is that because of this strange expression "So it is why..." or is that all my sentence which is not understandable, in this case, I have to rewrite it to find another one better.

Finally, here is the corrected text:

Dear X,
Thank you for consulting us about your investment project on the stock exchange. We are glad to make you an offer. Please, find below our study of your profile and our proposal.

First, we think that your feature is entitled to make profit with some derivative products. Indeed, as a financial institution you are not restricted about your investments. Indeed, some companies are not allowed by law to trade with certain financial products. That is not the case here. So, in order to cut down on the loss risk, we think that you should diversify your investment into four sectors. The first objective should be to divide yourself geographically and invest money into the USA, in Europe and in Asia. Secondly, in these three geographic points it would be relevant to invest in sectors like petrochemical industry, construction and insurance institutions. However, this type of investments require a lot of work to make it profitable. That is why we offer some products which respond to this need without requiring too much attention. Moreover, in this kind of product in addition to these previous diversities we have some derivative products which are more risky, but also more profitable and a good allocation between products brings a good profitability. The products we can offer you…

Is this version better or even completely right?
Again thanks a lot for your nice help gerondif

-------------------
Edited by again57 on 13-04-2014 18:24



Re: Correction/Stock exchange from gerondif, posted on 13-04-2014 at 18:51:16 (D | E)
Hello,
somebody had corrected your text but as it was a ready-made correction, it was deleted by the moderator. The chap who wrote it must have been in this line of work because it was much more relevant than what you write. I am not a specialist in business English and so am unable to give you the right clues but I feel the text is still clumsy, too close to the French way of expressing these things.

Dear X,
Thank you for consulting us about your investment project on the stock exchange. We are glad to make you an offer. Please, find below our study of your profile and our proposal.

First, we think that your feature(I don't understand what it means, in my opinion it is wrong) is entitled to make profit with some derivative products. Indeed, as a financial institution you are not restricted about your investments. Indeed, some companies are not allowed by law to trade with certain financial products but that is not the case here. So, in order to cut down on the loss risk, we think that you should diversify your investments into four sectors. The first objective should be to divide yourself geographically and invest money in the USA, in Europe and in Asia. Secondly, in these three geographical locations, it would be relevant to invest in sectors like petrochemical industry, construction and insurance institutions. However, these types of investments require a lot of work to make them profitable. That is why we offer some products which respond to this need without requiring too much attention. Moreover, in this kind(line) of products, in addition to these previous diversities, we have some derivative products which are more risky, but also more profitable and a good allocation between products brings a good profitability. The products we can offer you…

Is this version better or even completely right? I can't say, I find it muddled and a direct translation from the French. I think an English sentence should flow effortlessly without all these included sentences between commas (which you often forget) and we then lose the main meaning of the sentence.



Re: Correction/Stock exchange from bluestar, posted on 13-04-2014 at 20:05:51 (D | E)
First, we think that a company with your profile your feature(I don't understand what it means, in my opinion it is wrong) is entitled likely to make profits with some derivative products. Indeed, as a financial institution you are not restricted about your investments. Indeed, Ssome companies are not allowed by law to trade with certain financial products but that is not the case here. So, in order to cut down on the loss risk, we think that you should diversify your investments into four sectors. The first objective should be to divide yourself geographically and invest money in the USA, in Europe and in Asia. Secondly, in these three geographical locations, it would be relevant to invest in sectors like petrochemicals industry, construction and insurance institutions. However, these types of investments require a lot of work to make it them profitable. That is why we offer some products which respond to this need without requiring too much attention. Moreover, in this kind(line) of products, in addition to these previous diversities, we have some derivative products which are more risky, but also more profitable and a good allocation between products brings a good profitability. The products we can offer you…
--------
Hello,

I have 'tweaked' the text a little in the hope of improving the flow. It would be better not to have two consecutive sentences beginning with 'indeed'. There are a few other changes.



Re: Correction/Stock exchange from again57, posted on 14-04-2014 at 08:20:58 (D | E)
Hello Gerondif and Bluestar,

Thank you so much for answering me.

Gerondif, indeed, the person who corrected me here sent me a message to say that she wrote a text here, but it was deleted. Unfortunately, I didn't see it and it's a pity, because I think I would have learnt some specific vocabulary. But, she gave me some words of vocabulary I need to use instead of certain words I used. For example, I have to use minimum risk instead of loss risk, it's more Professional. But, of course as I said I've never written this kind of text before and it's the reason why I put this one here to practise and learn about grammar rule, vocabulary and so on... I think I was right to do it!

Bluestar, thank you for correcting me. Indeed, I use a little too "indeed" and I thought about that but I didn't find another word to replace it.
Again thanks a lot every of you for your help.



Re: Correction/Stock exchange from lucile83, posted on 14-04-2014 at 09:12:58 (D | E)
Hello again57,

Everybody should understand it is not helpful to give a ready-made correction. That member xx would have done a better work if she had given you clues and helped you to find the way to express your ideas



Re: Correction/Stock exchange from again57, posted on 14-04-2014 at 11:31:55 (D | E)
Hello Lucile,

Yes, of course, but it's also true that we can learn from reading, because it gives us some structures and ideas regarding the way of writing. But, she gave me some words by email, so I'll try to place them into my text. However, I'm all the same very glad to have a forum like this one to help me with my English. I really think that the texts I write and post here to make them correct will help me thereafter.




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