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All your questions about the English language, no French allowed.
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Well...Women should pay attention to what they say.
Wife: "Don't you think, dear, that a man has more sense after he is married?"
Husband: "Yes. But it's too late."
Réponse: Jokes in English de mulligan, postée le 10-12-2006 à 15:41:54 (S | E)
A wife:
"It took me a while to realize we had been burglarised.
I thought it was my husband who had been searching for his socks."
Réponse: Jokes in English de robertte, postée le 10-12-2006 à 16:03:21 (S | E)
There are lots of very good jokes in this thread. The ties-in-the-desert one is my favourite
Here's one by the comedian "Jethro":
A farmer is standing in the doorway of his stables. He's standing on a chair and is cutting away some of the stone above the door. His friend from the neighbouring farm arrives, and asks him what he's doing. "My new horse's ears are very long", he said. "When he walks into the stable, he bangs them on the doorframe, so I'm cutting some of it out."
His friend sees that the floor is only mud. "Why don't you dig up some of the floor instead?" he asked. "It would be easier than cutting out the stone."
"You idiot", said the farmer. "It's his ears that are too long, not his legs!"
Réponse: Jokes in English de serena, postée le 11-12-2006 à 17:02:31 (S | E)
Good ones.
As we're dealing with animals' legs, ears...
A guy took his dog to the vet’s.
"Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."
The vet stepped back: "Why should I do such a terrible thing?"
"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
No comment.
Réponse: Jokes in English de robertte, postée le 14-12-2006 à 18:16:46 (S | E)
A Frenchman who's learning English goes into a pub. "Yes sir?" says the barman.
"I'd like a drink", says the Frenchman.
"What of?"
"Water."
"Still water?"
"Yes, I haven't changed my mind!"
Réponse: Jokes in English de mulligan, postée le 14-12-2006 à 23:25:24 (S | E)
"Do you believe in life after death ?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes sir" the clerk replied.
"That's good", the boss said.
"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"
Réponse: Jokes in English de magstmarc, postée le 22-12-2006 à 16:47:19 (S | E)
I love this one...
An old guy went to the doctor's. The doctor examined him, ; he found out his health was rather upsetting and gave him some good advice to live longer.
Two years after that, the doctor met the old man looking very well, a gorgeous young woman hoding his arm.
"Well ! the doctor said. I'm pleased to see that you look so good"
"I followed your advice, Doctor : you told me to get a hot mama and be cheerful"
"No I didn't" said the doctor. I told you "You've got a heart murmur. Be careful."
Réponse: Jokes in English de marie11, postée le 22-12-2006 à 19:27:31 (S | E)
Culinary critic.
One evening I made fried chicken and used the drippings for gravy. I kept adding flour and water to thicken it. Then I asked my husband to taste a spoonful and tell me what was missing. He was quick to reply : ─ « The wallpaper.»
Réponse: Jokes in English de hotmustard, postée le 22-12-2006 à 20:11:08 (S | E)
Why did the spider visit the optician? To improve
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Modifié par traviskidd le 22-12-2006 20:34
Good one! Get it? Website, web sight, spiders make webs and opticians help with sight?
... Also, you have personified the spider by having him visit the optician, so you should use "his" (or "her") instead of "its".Réponse: Jokes in English de hotmustard, postée le 23-12-2006 à 18:22:43 (S | E)
A wet and windy night out on Barmouth. Little Johny is afraid of the thunder and lightening outside. in a tiny voice he asks his mother,
" Mummy, can you sleep in my bed with me tonight? ".His mother pauses and then answers,
" Sorry my love, but I have to sleep with Daddy in his room tonight."
There is a long pause for thought then, with a tear in his eye, Johny looks up to his mum and says, " The big Sissy! "
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Modifié par hotmustard le 23-12-2006 18:23
Réponse: Jokes in English de marie11, postée le 26-12-2006 à 11:57:20 (S | E)
DEPARTMENT-STORE automatic answering machine :
1- « If you are calling to order or send money, press 5.»
2- « If you are calling to register a complaint, press 3548529732158746.»
"Have a good day."
Réponse: Jokes in English de marie11, postée le 26-12-2006 à 12:13:23 (S | E)
During the celebration of their 50th wedding anniversary, the wife noticed a tear in her husband's eye.
« I never realized how sentimental you are, » she said.
« That's not it, » he sniffled. « Remember when your father caught us in the barn, he said if I didn't marry you he'd send me to jail for 50 years ? Well , today I would have been a free man !! »
Réponse: Jokes in English de hotmustard, postée le 30-12-2006 à 19:41:40 (S | E)
Exam answer:
Q: Name the four seasons.
A : Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.====
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Modifié par hotmustard le 30-12-2006 19:45
Réponse: Jokes in English de hotmustard, postée le 01-01-2007 à 17:42:12 (S | E)
The maths teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said: "Johnny!! What are 1 and 3 and 28 and 44 ?"
-Little Johnny quickly replied : " BBC,ITV,MTV and the Cartoon Network!"
Réponse: Jokes in English de magstmarc, postée le 11-01-2007 à 23:56:59 (S | E)
Wow ... so many jokes about maths teachers
Here's a classical joke...
One night the pub owner's dog died as a result of an accident.
It was a very good dog, so he was sent to Heaven; but there at the gates stood St. Peter who said : "You can't go inside without your tail ! Go down on earth and get your tail back !"
(Indeed the poor dog had also lost its tail in the accident)
Thus the dog, as a ghost, came down on earth again and knocked on the pub's door.
"Please, master, give me back my tail so I can go to Heaven !"
"I'm sorry" the pub owner answered. "I'm not allowed to retail spirits at this time of the night !"
Réponse: Jokes in English de hotmustard, postée le 12-01-2007 à 00:00:55 (S | E)
Funny and Spirited...mag
A parishioner asked his minister:
- " Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another? "
- "Definititely not," was the preacher's answer.
- " Are you absolutely certain? "
- "Yes, my son, absolutely."
- " Okay.In that case ,I wonder if you'd mind returning that £25 I gave you after my wedding last year?
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Modifié par hotmustard le 12-01-2007 00:09
Réponse: Jokes in English de titine27, postée le 12-01-2007 à 14:43:39 (S | E)
Once there were three men travelling in an aeroplane.
Unfortunately,one fell out.
Fortunately,there was a haystack below him.
Unfortunately,there was a pitchfork in the haystack.
Fortunately,he missed the pitchfork.
Unfortunately,he missed the haystack.
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Modifié par titine27 le 12-01-2007 14:44
Réponse: Jokes in English de amigowhite, postée le 12-01-2007 à 18:23:57 (S | E)
Fortunately, we had this joke
. It's very nice,Ilike it . 
Réponse: Jokes in English de titine27, postée le 12-01-2007 à 23:24:07 (S | E)
Maybe you know it magstmarc...
Two flies were sitting on Robinson Crusoe's knee." Goodbye now " said one of them. "I'll see you on Friday"
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Modifié par titine27 le 13-01-2007 00:47
Réponse: Jokes in English de hotmustard, postée le 14-01-2007 à 01:47:53 (S | E)
Children science exam answers:
Q -What does the word "benign" mean?
A -"Benign" is what you will be after you be eight.
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Modifié par hotmustard le 14-01-2007 01:48
Réponse: Jokes in English de euol, postée le 14-01-2007 à 20:16:37 (S | E)
Is it polite to eat fried chicken with your fingers?
No you should always eat your fingers separately.
Réponse: Jokes in English de titine27, postée le 14-01-2007 à 20:40:11 (S | E)
Question:What animal eats the least?
Answer:The moth.It just eats holes
Réponse: Jokes in English de magstmarc, postée le 15-01-2007 à 09:40:25 (S | E)
Heard in Woody Allen's "Annie Hall" (forget all your duties and watch this film if you haven't seen it yet !):
"Doctor, my husband still thinks he is a chicken"
"Why didn't you give him the medicine I told you about last month ?"
"Well, you see... we need the eggs !"
(not the best one in the film, but useful to understand when one can say "the eggs" instead of just "eggs"
)Réponse: Jokes in English de euol, postée le 15-01-2007 à 13:02:40 (S | E)
mag,and with the same topic,this one:Dinner:do you serve chicken here?
Waiter:Sit down Sir,we serve anyone.
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Modifié par bridg le 15-01-2007 13:23
Only in English here please
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Modifié par euol le 15-01-2007 13:32
Réponse: Jokes in English de hotmustard, postée le 15-01-2007 à 14:04:12 (S | E)
hi mag!
Why does the teacher take a ruler to bed with her? To see how long she can sleep.
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Modifié par bridg le 15-01-2007 16:15
Réponse: Jokes in English de magstmarc, postée le 15-01-2007 à 16:08:27 (S | E)
HMA joke about maths teachers I didn't know ! Fantastic !
Réponse: Jokes in English de titine27, postée le 15-01-2007 à 17:41:51 (S | E)
One more mag
Arithmetic teacher: Suppose a mother had six children and only five potatoes.
How could she give them all their fair share?
Jimmy: Give them mashed potatoes
Réponse: Jokes in English de mounadu06, postée le 15-01-2007 à 20:12:57 (S | E)
there are two blonds on a beach one says: look there is a dead bird!
the other blond watching the sky :where?
Réponse: Jokes in English de serena, postée le 17-01-2007 à 09:59:42 (S | E)
Phone message.
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
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