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Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais
Tout ce qui a un rapport avec l'apprentissage de l'anglais: grammaire, orthographe, aides aux devoirs, phrases etc.

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The power failure
Message de kitty113 posté le 08-03-2005 à 17:43:39 (S | E | F | I)

J'ai écrit une nouvelle rédaction, mais mon but n'était pas de faire 50 mots, bien au contraire. Je voulais écrire un vrai texte, alors c'est ce que j'ai fait. C'est un peu une histoire d'horreur, mais elle fait pas du tout peur!! J'aimerais bien que vous m'aidiez à corriger mes fautes et me donniez des suggestions pour mieux réussir!! Donc, sans plus attendre, voilà ma très longue rédaction:


THE POWER FAILURE

This is the story of Sara. She's a twelve years old girl. Sara has got long blond hair and she's very pretty, but, like all the pretty people, she's got a problem: she's terrified by the dark. She wanted to keep this secret, but at school, everybody knows it! Yes, everybody. And everybody always say the same thing: Sara is just a little baby! Baby! Baby! Baby!!! These words still resound into her head. It makes her crazy and she can't stand! No, she isn't a baby! She's twelve years old. She tried to convince herself of it.
Two months later, on March, Sara and her classmates went to Hauntedwood, a very old and very far village, lost somewhere in Scotland. Hauntedwood had a bad reputation. A old tale tells that, about seventy years ago, a serial killer lived there. He captured the young girls of the village at night when it was full moon. Then, he ill-treated them for hours and tortured them. He was a madman and he took pleasure in it! He did horrible things: after tortured his victims, he killed them. He had different methods: he cut the throat of the poor little girls with his own knife, covered with blood, or he also hitched a rope to their neck to hang them. But, the most insane thing was that this man, whose terrifying nickname giving to him by people will be concealed, never be stopped and never be recognized as guilty by the justice for all the horrible acts he did and still do, as the legend say. Nobody knew the reason of it, but, in all truth, nobody never saw the murderer. He was like a ghost, a bad spirit, and we never found the body of a victim after he comitted the murder. We only found a rope or a knife covered with blood, or another type of weapon, like a blade or a gun for example. We didn't know if this story was made up by people to terrify children, but we all knew that there really was young girls who dissapeared in strange circumstances like it. Although nobody knews if he exists for real, everybody was scared of him, especially young girls like Sara. The legend say that the murderer still come at full moon's time to capture another girl and so make another victim. Some people also say that he's immortal and that he will kill people forever...
Sara's classmates told Sara about this legend, of course. They absolutely wanted to frighten her, and so, they added horrible details to this weird story. But to make her really crazy, they made a plan: they would shut Sara away in the toilets at night and cause a power failure to make her scream and panic because there'll be no more light. It was the best plan they had never made! They thought it would be great, but they didn't know that this funny joke will become a real nightmare. So, at night, after successfully convince their teacher that they are sleeping and that they are quiet, they began their terrible plan. And in the class, nobody's tried to prevent the others from doing it.
Ashley, a classmate of Sara, asked her to accompany her to the toilets. Sara was very friendly and so, she accepted. The lights were on in the corridor. When the girls arrived in the toilets, the lights turned off suddenly. Sara was overwhelmed with fear. She couldn't move anymore. She was paralysed. Ashley said her that she'll look for some help, and that it will take her only two minutes. Sara simply said yes. She couldn't realize what happened: the door closed. She immediately tried to open it, but it was impossible: Ashley trapped her, she closed the door of the toilets. Sara became the prisonner of the toilets and all its ugly spiders. She screamed and asked for help, but nobody answered her. She didn't know what should she do. They were right: Sara was a little baby!
Sara's classmates have recorded a tape with a strange voice that said: "Sara, that's me! Yes, that's me. I'm the murderer of Hauntedwood and I come here to kill you! There is no escape. You'll die in atrocious suffering. Sara!!!!!! ". When Sara heard the tape, she screamed. She cried. She howled. It was a nightmare. Moreover, it was really strange: the voice that said it was transformed. It was the voice of an aduld, of a man, or a kind of man. Where was the voices and the laughs of Sara's classmates ? She sat on the cold floor and waited. She listened every noise. The wind just started to moan. There were footsteps loud and strong coming down the hall, and she heard something scratching through the wall. Then, she heard a terrible noise, like some glass which fell down. Two minutes later, she heard a second terrible noise, but it wasn't as far as the first noise. It was nearest. Something was coming. She couldn't breathe anymore. She prayed for the last time. She wanted that the sun comes back. She said: "Goodnight moon! Now I want the sun! If it's not here soon I might be dead. But, sun, how can you save me? The dark is here tonight. I don't know what to do! Help me!". She didn't know what she said, her words had no meaning. The time stopped. It was the end. She heard a man coming, but she wasn't sure that it was really a man. She couldn't see. Then, nobody's hear Sara screaming anymore. So they decided the repare the power failure that they had caused. The teacher was still asleep, but all the children ran to the toilets to release Sara. They opened the door but all they saw was only a huge puddle of blood in the middle. The walls were red. Just red. Thay could only see one colour into this toilets: the red colour. It was the colour of the blood, Sara's blood. Yes, they saw blood, blood, blood and blood everywhere. Where was Sara? No-where. They couldn't believe it. They couldn't realise what really happened. This seemed unbelievable! Maybe Sara had really been killed by the murderer of Hauntedwood. Nobody knew. It was a mystery. Maybe the truth will be discovered someday, who knows? Everybody was chocked and they never spoke about this horrible evening of March with each other, and, now, they always slept with a light near them, because they were terrified.


Merci d'avance,

Kitty113

-------------------
Edité par bridg le 08-03-2005 18:28
titre en minuscule


Réponse: The power failure de traviskidd, postée le 09-03-2005 à 07:29:00 (S | E)
Hmm ... it seems like an interesting story. It's too late for me to read it thoroughly now, but maybe soon!


Réponse: The power failure de serena, postée le 09-03-2005 à 10:52:27 (S | E)
Hello kitty!

I hope you didn't make Travis have a nightmare as he read your story before going to bed. He must have left a light on !

I corrected your text. I shouldn't say "correct" as it's well-written, without many mistakes. But I changed some sentences stuctures, added ideas, corrected the tenses. Sorry, I couldn't put them in other colours to let you see them. It's really to long to do. But you'll see the differences by yourself.
I also separated the different paragraphs, something you should do to make your texts easy and pleasant to be read.


THE POWER FAILURE

This is the story of Sara, a twelve-year old girl. Sara had got long blond hair and she was very pretty, but, like all the pretty people, she had a problem: she was terrified by the dark. She wanted to keep this secret, but at school, everybody knew it! Yes, everybody. And everybody always said the same thing: Sara was just a little baby! Baby! Baby! Baby!!! These words still resounded into her head. It made her go crazy and she couldn’t stand this anymore! No, she wasn’t a baby! She was twelve years old. She tried to convince herself of it.
What happened to her during a trip whit the whole class showed that she was right to fear the dark.

One day, on March, Sara and her classmates went to Hauntedwood, a very old and far village, lost somewhere in Scotland. Hauntedwood had a bad reputation. An old tale tells that a serial killer lived there about seventy years ago. He captured the young girls of the village at night when it was full moon. He was a madman who took pleasure in acting that way: after ill-treating and torturing his victims for hours, he killed them. He used different methods: either he cut the throat of the poor little girls with his own knife, or he hitched a rope to their neck to hang them. But, the most insane thing was that that man, whose terrifying nickname given to him by people was concealed, has never been stopped and recognized as guilty by the justice for all the horrible acts he did. The legend says that he will come again at full moon's time to capture another girl and make another victim. Some people think he's immortal and that he will forever kill people...
Nobody knew the reason of it, but, in all truth, nobody has ever seen the murderer. He was like a ghost, a bad spirit, and we never found the body of a victim after he committed the murder. We only found a rope or a knife covered with blood, or another type of weapon, like a blade or a gun. We didn't know if this story was made up by people to terrify children, but we all knew that there really were young girls who disappeared in strange circumstances like it. Although nobody knew if he actually existed, everybody was scared of him, especially young girls like Sara.

Sara's classmates told her about this legend, of course. They absolutely wanted to frighten her, and so, they added horrible details to this weird story. But to make her really crazy, they made a plan: they would shut Sara away in the toilets at night and cause a power failure to make her scream and panic as there would be no more light. It was the best plan they had never made! They thought it would be great, but they didn't know that this funny joke will become a real nightmare. Therefore, at night, after successfully convincing their teacher that they were sleeping, they began their terrible plan. And no one of the class tried to prevent them from doing it.

Ashley, a classmate of Sara, asked her to accompany her to the toilets. As friendly as she was, she agreed. The lights were on in the corridor. When the girls arrived in the toilets, the lights turned off suddenly. Sara was overwhelmed with fear. She couldn't move anymore. She was paralyzed. Ashley told her that she would look for some help, and that would take her only two minutes. Sara ingenuously let her do. She couldn't realize what happened: the door had been closed. She immediately tried to open it, but it was impossible: Ashley trapped her, she locked the door of the toilets. Sara became prisoner of the toilets with ugly spiders. She screamed and asked for help, but nobody answered her. She didn't know what to do. They were right: Sara was a little baby!

Sara's classmates had recorded a tape with a strange voice that said: "Sara, that's me! Yes, that's me. I'm the murderer of Hauntedwood and I come here to kill you! There is no escape. You'll die in atrocious suffering. Sara!!!!!! ". When she heard the tape, she screamed with fear. She cried. She howled. It was a nightmare. Moreover, there was something strange: the voice of the recording was transformed. It was now an adult’s one, a man, or a kind of man. Where were the laughs and noise Sara's classmates uttered?
She sat on the cold floor and waited. She could then hear every noise. The wind just started to moan. There were loud and strong footsteps coming down the hall, and she heard something scratching through the wall. Then, she heard a terrible noise, like some glass which fell down. Two minutes later, another noise, with a laugh as eerie as a voice from beyond the grave. And it was becoming nearer. Something was coming up. She couldn't breathe anymore. She prayed. And that would be for the last time.
She wanted the sun to come back. She said: "Goodnight moon! Now I want the sun! If it's not here soon I might be dead. But, sun, how can you save me? The dark is here tonight. I don't know what to do! Help me!". She didn't know what she said, her words had no meaning. The time had stopped. It was the end. The man was too close now, but she wasn't sure that it was really a man. She couldn't see anything.

After a while, nobody heard Sara screaming anymore. Then they decided to repair the power failure that they had caused. The teacher was still asleep, and all the children ran to the toilets to release Sara. They opened the door but all they saw was only a huge puddle of blood in the middle of the floor. The walls were red. Just red. They could only see one colour into these toilets: the red colour. It was the colour of the blood, Sara's blood. Yes, they saw blood, blood, blood and blood everywhere. Where was Sara? Nowhere.

They couldn't believe it. They couldn't realize what really happened. This seemed unbelievable! Maybe Sara had really been killed by the murderer of Hauntedwood. Nobody knew. It was a mystery. Maybe the truth will be discovered someday, who knows? Everybody was chocked and they never spoke about this horrible evening of March to each other.

Now, they always sleep with a light near them, because the dark reminds them of what they did to Sara. Finally, she wasn’t a baby at all. She surely had a premonition about what could happen in the dark, and they are now living in dread of suffering the same fate.


What a story !!
Well, you'll maybe laugh at me, but there's no shame in this I think : I also fear the dark. I can't even sleep with all lights off.
I'm glad I didn't have to go on a trip with my school friends. You would have never known Serena then.


Réponse: The power failure de kitty113, postée le 09-03-2005 à 11:59:53 (S | E)
Thank you so much! You made a very good end! I didn't really know what to say at the end! You helped me a lot! Don't be terrify by the dark, I just INVENTED this story, and nothing's true! So, tell me, do you think my story is interessant and good? What mark would you give me if you were a teacher?? Please everybody make me some suggestions to improve myself and do not hesitate to criticize my work!

Keep smiling

Kitty113


Réponse: The power failure de ruofei, postée le 09-03-2005 à 13:40:56 (S | E)
Bonjour kitty,
Je te propose mes suggestions:

This is the story of Sara. She's a twelve years old girl. Sara has got long blond hair (pourquoi pas un raccourci: she's a 12-year-old fair-haired girl) and she's very pretty, but, like all the pretty people, she's got a problem: she's terrified by (afraid of) the dark.(quel est le rapport entre etre jolie et avoir peur du noir?) She wanted to keep this secret (idiome: to keep it a secret), but at school, everybody knows it! Yes, everybody does. And everybody always says the same thing: Sara is just a little baby! Baby! Baby! Baby!!! These words still resound into her head. It makes her crazy and she can't stand No, she isn't a baby! She's twelve years old. She tried to convince herself of it >.(The same sarcasm always comes up and echoes in her head: "Sara you're just a little baby!". She tries to convince herself that she's not. That drives her crazy!)

Two months later, on March, Sara and her classmates went to Hauntedwood, a very old and very far-away village, lost somewhere in Scotland. Hauntedwood had a [bad reputation: maladroit] An old tale tells that, about seventy years ago, a serial killer lived there. (that a serial killer has been living there for 70 years) He captured the young girls of the village at night when it was full moon. Then, he ill-treated them for hours and tortured them. He was a madman and he took pleasure in it! ("on dit que..." He is said to capture young girls when the moon is full, to il-treat them for hours. He is a madman and takes pleasure in torturing them) He did horrible things: after tortured his victims, he killed them. (ne semble pas vraiment judicieux) He had used different methods: he cut the throat of the poor little girls with his own knife, covered with blood, or he also hitched a rope to their neck to hang them (raccourci: such as cutting their throat open or hanging them with a rope) But, the most insane thing was that this man, whose terrifying nickname giving to him by people will be concealed, never be stopped and never be recognized as guilty by the justice for all the horrible acts he did and still do, as the legend say. Nobody knew the reason of it, but, in all truth, nobody never saw the murderer. He was like a ghost, a bad spirit. (The horrible part is that that man, whose 'terrifying' nickname is not to be mentioned here, has never been caught nor judged guilty for all the cruel crimes he has committed; in fact, no one has never met with him. He is some kind of ghost, bad spirit...well, this is how the legend goes) and we never found the body of a victim after he comitted the murder. We only found a rope or a knife covered with blood, or another type of weapon, like a blade or a gun for example. (None of the corpses have ever been found, but all the instuments of crime of his: knife, rope, blade, gun...You name it.) We didn't know if this story was made up by people to terrify children, but we all knew that there really was young girls who dissapeared in strange circumstances like it. Although nobody knews if he exists for real, (We are not sure whether this story has been made up to terrify children. We are not sure about the existence of this madman either. Though we definitely know that girls have disappeared in peculiar circumstances) everybody was scared of him, especially young girls like Sara (peu pertinent, je pense). The legend say that the murderer still come at full moon's time to capture another girl and so make another victim. (The legend tells that the murder still comes out at full moon's time to capture and victimize young girls)... [...]

J'ai passé ton texte au 'present tense' (puisque le tueur en série semble toujours faire partie du monde des vivants!). Il y a, je pense, des détails dont tu pourrais te passer et des fautes que tu fais souvent (rejette un coup d'oeil à tes posts précédents). Je ne vais pas plus loin dans ma proposition de correction, car tu n'es peut-être pas d'accord avec ce que j'écris maintenant (je ne suis pas certaine d'avoir respecter le fil de ta pensée)> J'espère néanmoins que ça t'aura aidé.
Quelques conseils:
*essaies parfois d'utiliser la forme passive (parfait quand on raconte une légende et puis ça t'évitera d'utiliser "we" qui est souvent trop vague)
* essaies de combiner d'avantage tes phrases: ça allège le texte et souvent donne plus de sens à tes propos.
-s à la 3eme personne du singulier!
Sinon, les points forts: très peu de répétitions et de mot-à-mot



Réponse: The power failure de serena, postée le 09-03-2005 à 15:24:26 (S | E)
Deux avis valent mieux qu'un.

J'avais omis de te dire qu'une petite transition de l'introduction au développement nous laisse entrevoir en gros ce qui va se passer. Lorsque j'ai lu le debut, j'ai tout de suite pensé que Sara se vengerait, ce qui n'a pas été le cas par la suite. D'où l'ajout de ma phrase.

Je trouve ton histoire très belle, kitty. Ton imagination est très fertile. Pour ta façon d'écrire et de formuler les phrases, l'avis de ruofei est à prendre en compte, sinon je trouve ton style simple et adapté à tous les niveaux. Tu as toutefois un peu trop répété "Sara".

Et puis, ton histoire ne m'a pas fait peur, c'est que je n'aime pas trop le noir. Question de phobie.
Mais bon, je ne suis pas un bébé pour autant.

Au plaisir de pouvoir t'aider encore. Ton travail est très intéressant.

PS: Pour la note à donner, l'avis d'un prof sera la bienvenue.


Réponse: The power failure de lucile83, postée le 09-03-2005 à 16:13:37 (S | E)
Hello,
Si tu veux une note, sachant ton âge, ton niveau approximatif, 4éme ou 3éme, depuis combien de temps tu apprends l'anglais.....
constatant que ta rédaction est longue, avec des fautes bien sûr mais un bon petit vocabulaire, qui ne demande qu'à s'étoffer....
j'estime à 15/20......je ne veux pas mettre moins pour ne pas te décourager, je ne veux pas mettre plus pour t'encourager à rectifier tes erreurs notamment la conjugaison.
En tous cas tu as fait un bel effort et je t'en félicite
See you soon


Réponse: The power failure de serena, postée le 09-03-2005 à 22:29:20 (S | E)
Te voici mieux située sur ton niveau, kitty.
Comme dirait webmaster : Bonne continuation !

Merci lucile !


Réponse: The power failure de jardin62, postée le 10-03-2005 à 09:55:20 (S | E)

( N'ayant pas trop de temps ce matin mais désireuse de t'encourager- car tu fais de gros progrès comme te l'ont dit les réponses précédant la mienne- je me suis intéressée au 1er paragraphe et à l'introduction du texte qui, dès la 1ère ligne doit 'accrocher' le lecteur ( d'ailleurs cela s'appelle 'l'accroche'...).
- Plutôt que 'This is the story of Sara'...
--> ' Too pretty not to be envied, Sara found it difficult to have true faithful friends... ( Trop jolie pour ne pas être jalousée, Sara trouvait difficilement de vrais et fidèles camarades de classe)
---> Tu voulais un conseil: il se résumera à celui -là : dès le début, 'accroche' ton lecteur, soit par le mystère que tu laisses planer, soit par un style plus 'percutant'- La description de cette jolie fille n'est pas forcémént à mettre au début. En général, les lecteurs de maintenant boudent les descriptions, il faut ruser, les accrocher, puis trouver malgré tout le moyen de leur faire avaler queques lignes de description qui sont évidemment indispensables pour donner au personnage (ici Sara), une épaisseur psychologique. Si tu les 'attrapes' tout de suite, tu pourras en faire presque ce que tu veux après. Je passe beaucoup de temps là-dessus parce que en anglais -comme en français d'ailleurs- cela donne de l'originalité à un texte et le désir de se laisser embarquer par lui.


J'ai poursuivi ainsi sur quelques lignes : ' That twelve-year old girl looked so attractive -too attractive- ( pour ne pas répéter pretty) with her gorgeous long blond hair!
But why was she afraid of dark?( c'est pour varier le style que j'ai choisi une forme interrogative car elle interpelle le lecteur It was a secret she would have liked to be kept secret.. but how can you keep anything secret at school when your classmates, are always spying on you( to spy = espionner)?
Of course everybody knew! Of course everybody was making fun of her ( se moquer). Worst of all, a nickname (un surnom) 'Baby', was heard each time, Sara appeared. She became, at last obsessed with it. She couln't stand it. She no longer was a 'baby' She was a 'twelve year-old! ! If only she could shut those nasty girls up! ( clouer le bec à ces méchantes filles) ( pour la même raison, j'ai eu envie d'une forme exclamative exprimant le souhait)
What happened to her...etc.

bravo encore: dommage que ce soit un peu long pour moi car j'aurais aimé aller plus loin avec toi dans ce texte! Bonne route!
(NB: je crains des fautes de frappe de ma part et d'avance j'en suis


Réponse: The power failure de kitty113, postée le 10-03-2005 à 17:37:43 (S | E)
Merci pour tous vos commentaires!! Je vais essayer, grâce à vos conseils, de réécrire ce texte mais en version améliorée. Malheureusement, cela ne pourra pas se faire avant au moins 1 semaine car je pars en voyage de classe!! J'ai déjà commencé, mais ce n'est pas très facile et j'ai beaucoup de mal a utiliser le même genre de vocabulaire et de tournures de phrases qu'en français. Je vous écrirai la version en français, pour que vous puissiez peut-être m'aider à mieux traduire certaines choses...

Encore merci à tous,

Kitty113


Réponse: The power failure de serena, postée le 11-03-2005 à 15:33:46 (S | E)
C'est une excellente idée, kitty !

En attendant, amuses-toi bien !




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