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Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais
Tout ce qui a un rapport avec l'apprentissage de l'anglais: grammaire, orthographe, aides aux devoirs, phrases etc.

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At the station house /correction.
Message de maévajava posté le 26-04-2005 à 11:17:02 (S | E | F | I)

Bonjour , voilà je viens de rédiger un paragraphe et j'aimerai que vous m'aidiez pour le corriger car il y a certaine chose que je n'arrive pas à dire in english. thank you.

What impact does the text have on you?
“At the station house” is a cry which must resound in our ears, in our heart and in our head. In his novels, James Baldwin, confront the reader with the reality of the beginning of 20th century and plunge us in Richard story, an African-American boy.
People have used to speak about the discrimination, the injustice, by opposition with the equality and the justice. But this people who speak about it, haven't used to be victim of discrimination and injustice. Whereas thanks to Richard story, we will able to speak about emotions which invade us.
So, I am going to share with you my sentiments about this text.
First of all, during my reading, I was curious and I had o lot of questions: Why does he be in prison? What did he do? Why doesn't police believe him? What will he become? The suspense is captivating and in the same time frightening because like Richard, we don't know that will be happened. And more, thanks this internal vision, we can live the fright and the hope of Richard.
Then, the same hope which retained my blow disappears and the pains seize us.
Elisabeth sobs and Richard despair resound in our hearts. We are overpowered and then I think : “So, there are anymore exits, anymore possibilities, anymore hope of liberty.”
No, what a painful thought! And more, people say usually : “As long as there is life, there is hope.”
This text revolt me because this discrimination is free and absurdity. This judgement is unbearable since, we, reader have the conviction and the certainty of innocence of Richard. A innocence that the owner aurait pu affirmé if he avait pris son role au sérieux, but this men is sectarian and so for him the blacks are bad. It is unjust, too unjust for a boy like us with his qualities and his defects mais pas celui de voler.
Consequently, I think : « Fortunately that today in 2005, the world and its inhabitants changed”. However, I wonder and we can wonder if today we don't assist still with such crime in the world?
I only have as answer the title of the book of this text is extract : « Go tell it on the Mountain »
Let us shout NOT with the discrimination!
Let us go beyond the obstacles!
To Tomorrow, to be only one people in only one world: Let us ACT.
Pour demain, être un seul peuple dans un seul monde : AGISSONS.


-------------------
Edité par bridg le 26-04-2005 11:19
titre
nous ne prenons pas de sujets trop longs sur les forums, celui-ci est à la limite.


Réponse: At the station house /correction. de aimen7, postée le 26-04-2005 à 12:09:45 (S | E)
Bonjour,
En ce qui concerne le premier paragraphe, quelques petites rectifications, il y a beaucoup de choses à en dire, mais c'est un début:

...confronts...the 20th century...usually speak about.....by opposing them to....discrimination,injusticeequality,justice, (sans article)....But these people....this, not "it"....haven't been victims of....(However,...James Baldwin....we are able to...

Voilà quelques petites suggestions très rapides...
Bonne journée.


Réponse: At the station house /correction. de aimen7, postée le 26-04-2005 à 12:13:50 (S | E)
"However, thanks to Richard story"


Réponse: At the station house /correction. de jardin62, postée le 26-04-2005 à 13:33:01 (S | E)
Bonjour.
Il faudrait peut-être trouver un moyen de parvenir à la concision...Vous avez adopté un style 'traînant' qui nuit à la force des idées. Attention aussi de ne pas répéter la même idée sous des formes différentes. L'anglais aime aller droit au but, nous sommes parfois un peu tortueux... J'ai corrigé selon vos idées, il y aurait encore des améliorations de style à faire.

'At the station house' resounds as a cry in our hearts and heads. James Baldwin draws rhe reader back to the 20th century and immerges him in Richard's story. Richard is an African-American boy.
Generally, people are used to define discrimination and injustice in opposition to equality and justice: it's because they probably have never been confronted to these problems themselves. However, thanks to Richard's story we have the opportunity to talk about our deep feelings about them.
While I was reading I was asking myself why he was in prison, what he did, why the police didn't believe him, what he would become...
The suspense is captivating and frightening at the same time. We are eager to know what will happen. The reader is compelled to share the fright and the hope of the hero. Then .....
Elisabeth's grief and Richard's despair are overpowering. We, too, have to accept there's no exit to...?, no possibility to..?, nothing to make us believe in liberty/freedom. What a painful thought!
If so, why do people keep saying that 'as long as there's life, there's hope'? Do they really mean it or is it just an empty phrase?
This rext rises revolt in me because this discrimination is (free? useless?) and absurd. This judgement is unacceptable since the reader is convinced of Richard's innocence. The (owner?) could have proved it if he had taken his role seriously, if he hadn't been sectarian himself and if he hadn't thought that Black people are bad. ....(le sens m'échappe)
Consequently I think that in 2005 we could have a chance to change things but I am afraid we are still witnessing the same crimes.
Thanks to the title of the book ' Go tell it on the Mountain' I can hope that if we shouted 'NO with discrimination!', we should perhaps find enough courage to go beyond obstacles!
If we want to be one people one day, in one world, let's repeat loud enough that it's time to act!

Bon courage.





Réponse: At the station house /correction. de ruofei, postée le 26-04-2005 à 13:38:50 (S | E)
possessive form
-s 3rd person singular
choice of verbs and tenses
Evite d'utiliser "I", "we", "the reader"... les uns après les autres, ça rend la lecture assez laborieuse. Opte pour un seul, voire un 2ème de temps en temps pour ne pas répéter.

What impact does the text have on you?
“At the station house?is a cry which must resounds echoes in our ears, in our heart and in our head. In his novels, James Baldwin, confronts the reader with the reality of the beginning of 20th century and plunges us into Richard’s story, an Afro-American boy. (JB challenges the reader with the early 20th century reality and plunges him into the story of an Afro-American boy called Richard)
Some people have are used to speaking about the discrimination, the injustice, by opposition with as opposed to the equality and the justice. But these people who speak about it, haven't used to be have never been victim(s) of discrimination and injustice. Whereas thanks to Richard story, we will able to speak about emotions which invade us. (However, these people have never been discrimination victims and have never suffered the consequences of injustice. Richard’s story brings another perspective on the issue and helps us express our inner emotions)
So, I am going to share with you my sentiments feelings about this text. (in the light of this text, I’m going to share my feelings with you)
First of all, during my reading (during an early reading of the text), I was curious and I had o asked myself lot of questions: Why does he be is he in prison? What did he do? Why doesn't don’t the police believe him in his innocence? What will he become of him? The suspense is captivating and in at the same time frightening because like Richard, we don't know that will be happened is going to happen. And moreover, thanks this internal vision, we can live the fright and the hope of Richard. (The suspense keeps us both captivated and tensed; no one knows what is going to happen. What makes the reader’s tension even greater is that he follows the events from Richard’s introspective view most of the story through.)
Then, the same hope which retained my blow disappears and the pains seize us. (Yet, the hope that kept me going at first, was soon to disappear and to leave room for pain)
Elisabeth's sobs and Richard's despair resound in our hearts. We are overpowered and then I think : “So, there are anymore exits, anymore possibilities, anymore hope of liberty.? (Elisabeth’s sobbing and Richard’s despair still haunt my heart. Powerless, I faced the facts and said to myself: “finally, there’s no escaping, no other options, there’s no hope for liberty left?
No, what a painful thought! And more, people say usually: “As long as there is life, there is hope.? (Oh, how painful! So much for people's saying: “when there’s a will, there’s a way?)
This text revolts me because this discrimination is free gratuitousness and absurdity. This judgement is unbearable since, we, readers have the conviction and the certainty of innocence of Richard. A innocence that the owner bearer aurait pu affirmer if he avait pris son role au sérieux, but this men is sectarian and so for him the blacks are bad. It is unjust, too unjust for a boy like us with his qualities and his defects mais pas celui de voler. Passage non compris
Consequently, I think : "Fortunately that today in 2005, the world and its inhabitants changed?/i> (maladroit de passer au direct direct ici). However, I wonder and we can wonder if today we don't assist still with such crime in the world? Fortunately enough, our present-day world is changing but there’s still cases of the like that happen.
I only have as answer My one answer to >.... the title of the book of this text is extract phrase non comprise : 'Go tell it on the Mountain'
Let us shout NOT with the discrimination! Let us stand up against discrimination and fight for human rights!
Let us go beyond the obstacles!
To Tomorrow, to be only one people in only one world: Let us ACT.
Pour demain, être un seul peuple dans un seul monde : AGISSONS.
Let us hope for a better tomorrow and a better place where all peoples will become one.


-------------------
Edit?par ruofei le 26-04-2005 18:45




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