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Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais
Tout ce qui a un rapport avec l'apprentissage de l'anglais: grammaire, orthographe, aides aux devoirs, phrases etc.

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correction devoir important !!
Message de loubinou posté le 09-10-2005 à 20:57:35 (S | E | F | I)

Bonjour
voici le sujet:fear of your life a traiter en 250 mots.
pourriez vous me corriger mes fautes et améliorer ma redaction en ayant peut être des termes plus élaborés.thanks a lot!

it was about eleven o'clock at night,the wind was stroking my face,I wandered in the dark streets of paris,I just would be able to heard my fullsteps and distinguish my house which was stil far away from me.I kept walking through the asphalt,I had to walk for more than thirty minutes on account of the weather was turned into the rain.I could'nt bear getting wet and the water was penetrating my clothes,I felt my boday to catch cold and all my limbs to shiver.The faster I walked,the wuicker I arrived I said me,therefore I decided to race in a rush,the huge door was closer to me,I could see the doorbell in spite of the rain.I was getting one's breath back when the old door swung open quickly,my father was standing there,he said me"go to bed imediatly!,have you seen what time is it?"I could not tell any words,I was petrified because of my wet clothes.I couldn't explain his reaction,for all I know today is my birthday and my relatives didn't think about it.I was so depressed I prefered to sleep.I wondered why my father said me that,and,all at once,I broke down and I bursted into tears.Thourh my sob,I heard hammering,the noise was more and more strong,the walls vibrated,on the top of that,I heard some voices,I awoke and I brought up to the window,I was scared and terrified,the light kept switching on and off.I suffocated,I wrapt myself up in the duvet,I was so frightened I could not move any more.I heard stricking against the wall a second time,so I hid in my duvet,I saw anything and I just heard my breath.But,someone was in the corridor,near from my room,the fullsteps were noisy,I breathed very quickly,the door grated slowly,the fullsteps resounded in my bedroom.I was upset,I was warm,a hand caught my duvet,I wouldn't to see,I started screaming violently.Yhe two hands took me and said me"don't worry!,it a surprise,everybody is expecting for you,happy bithday!"My mother comforted me,in fact my relatives made me a joke!

-------------------
Edité par bridg le 09-10-2005 21:24


Réponse: correction devoir important !! de babyscot59, postée le 10-10-2005 à 10:38:36 (S | E)
bonjour,

j'ai corrigé votre texte , le vocabuaire semble très bien , bien élaboré:

"it was about 11 p.m , the wind was stroking my face,I wandered in the dark streets of paris,I was only able to hear my footsteps and distinguish my house which was still far away from me.I kept walking through the asphalt,I had to walk for more than thirty minutes on account of the weather That turned into the rain. I could'nt bear getting wet and the water was penetrating my clothes,I felt my body getting cold and all my limbs shivering.The faster I walked,the Quicker I arrived I said to myself,therefore I decided to race in a rush,the huge door was closer to me,I could see the doorbell in spite of the rain.I was getting one's breath back when the old door swung open quickly.
My father was standing there,he said me"go to bed imMediatly!,have you seen what time it is?" I could not tell any words,I was petrified because of my wet clothes.I couldn't explain his reaction,for all I know today is my birthday and my relatives didn't think about it.
I was so depressed I prefered sleeping.I wondered why my father had told me that,and,all at once,I broke down and I bursted into tears.Thourh my sob,I heard hammering,the noise was stronger and stronger ,the walls vibrated, on the top of that,I heard some voices,I awoke and I brought up to the window,I was scared and terrified,the light kept switching on and off.I was suffocating ,I wrapt myself up in the duvet,I was so frightened I could not move any more.I heard stricking against the wall a second time,so I hid in my duvet,I saw anything and I just heard my breath.But,someone was in the corridor,near from my room,the footsteps were noisy,I breathed very quickly,the door grated slowly,the footsteps resounded in my bedroom.I was upset,I was warm,a hand caught my duvet,I wouldn't see,I started screaming violently. two hands took me and said me"don't worry!,it a surprise,everybody is expecting for you,happy bithday!"My mother comforted me,in fact my relatives had made me a joke!"




Réponse: correction devoir important !! de jardin62, postée le 10-10-2005 à 15:31:38 (S | E)
Quelques 'touches' supplémentaires...
- I was only able to hear my footsteps but I couldn't distinguish my house which was still far away. (Si je comprends bien le sens).
- to walk 'through' = marcher au travers de / passer par. Est-ce que ce ne serait pas : 'I kept walking on...' ?
- I had to walk for more than thirty minutes because of the weather that had turned into a heavy rain.
- I couldn't
- 'The faster I will walk, the sooner I will arrive', I said to myself.
- I was getting my breath back
- 'Do you know what time it is ? (...me paraît plus anglais, plus courant ...)
- I couldn't say a word / I couldn't utter one word
- I couldn't understand his reaction
- For as far as I knew, today was my birthday
- and my relatives hadn't even thought of it !
- so depressed that ...
- ..had told me such a thing
- through my sobs
- the walls were vibrating
- on top of it
- I went to the window
- I wrapped...
- so frightened that...
- any more ou any longer ?
- A second time I heard something striking / pounding / banging
- I didn't see anything
- I could only heard my own breath
- near my room / close to my room
- I was breathing
- the door creaked
- footsteps were resounding (Je ne mettrais pas 'the' pour rester dans le suspense de 'l'indéfini)
- I was so frightened that I didn't want to look
- 'everybody is waiting for you'



-------------------
Edité par traviskidd le 11-10-2005 06:47
Dans les phrases "the more ... the more ...", pas de futur après le premier "the more".




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