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All your questions about the English language, no French allowed.

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Let's laugh
Message de kayrol posté le 12-07-2005 à 22:44:41 (S | E | F | I)
Hello everybody..
After a long silence, I'm coming back on the site. Hope you are all keeping well. Here is a joke I appreciate. See you soon
Kayrol

Three men are chatting. There is a German, an Italian and a French. The German says :" Let me tell you, my wife goes from 0 to 100 in 7 seconds !". The two others say : "whoaw !" and the German replies : "yes I bought her a porsche".
The Italian says : "MY wife goes from 0 to 100 in 5 seconds". The two others cry : "incredible !" and the Italian says "yes, I bought her a Ferrarri". And the French man says :"well, let me tell you, my wife goes from 0 to 100 in 2 seconds". The two others : "Noooo !! what did you buy her ??!!" and the French man replies : "I bought her scales"

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Edité par jeanmi le 12-07-2005 22:45

Réponse: Let's laugh de weena, postée le 12-07-2005 à 22:54:37 (S | E)

Réponse: Let's laugh de aimen7, postée le 12-07-2005 à 23:28:00 (S | E)
Hello everybody,
for your joke kayrol, I like it,
Here is another one:

"My cousin, a pilot, tells the story of the airline captain who stood by the door as passengers disembarked after a rough landing.
One passenger, who was a professor, remarked, "In my profession, I would have to give that landing a grade of "C".
The pilot replied, "Professor, in my line of work, it isn't a grade course. It's a pass/fail." , By Mara Early,1991.

Réponse: Let's laugh de magmatic_rock, postée le 13-07-2005 à 00:42:33 (S | E)
Kayrol, I'm fond of your joke! It was very very funny!
Aimen, with my english level I couldn't understand yours

But, yours Kayrol, from tomorrow I'm going to tell it to everybody!

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Edité par jeanmi le 13-07-2005 11:12

Réponse: Let's laugh de serena, postée le 13-07-2005 à 09:48:27 (S | E)
Hi kayrol !

Glad to see you again !

Three children are talking about their fathers.
1st boy: My father is so clean that he washes three times a day.
2nd boy: My father is so clean that he has a wash every morning and before he goes to bed.
3rd boy: As for mine, he's so clean that he never washes.

Réponse: Let's laugh de joy813, postée le 13-07-2005 à 12:45:08 (S | E)
Hello everybody

One day, a man and his wife were walking down the street when they came across a penguin.
"Oh" exclaimed the man. "What a surprise ! What shall we do with it ? "
"I know" said his wife. "We'll ask a policeman".
So, they found a policeman and explained what had happened.
"Mmmm" said the policeman, "I think the best thing is to take it to the zoo"
"What a good idea!", said the woman. "We'll go there straight away".

The next morning, the policeman was walking down the same street when he saw the couple again with the penguin.
"I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo !" the policeman said.
"Well, we did" said the man. "We took it to the zoo and we all had a really good time. So, this afternoon we're taking it to the cinema, and this evening we're going to have a meal in a fish restaurant."

Have a nice day,
Joy

Réponse: Let's laugh de kayrol, postée le 13-07-2005 à 21:05:06 (S | E)
Hi all,
Serena and Joy thanks for your jokes, I like them, and am very happy to see you again.
Aimen, as Magmatic Rock, I'm sorry but did not understand your joke , could you explain it to me ? thanks a lot,
See you soon,
Kayrol

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Edité par kayrol le 13-07-2005 21:05

Réponse: Let's laugh de magmatic_rock, postée le 13-07-2005 à 21:15:04 (S | E)
I understood now! That's normal because Aimen sent me the joke in french by private message! It is nice too!

Réponse: Let's laugh de aimen7, postée le 13-07-2005 à 23:39:15 (S | E)
Hello,

I'm sorry you haven't understood the joke kairol, I'm going to explain it with other words.

In fact the professor made a remark to the airline pilot, he said that the plane landing(atterrissage) wasn't very good. As a teacher(used to evaluate performances), he gave it a mark (C). The captain replied to him that in the job of a pilot, there was no place for evaluation because there are 2 possible solutions in a plane landing: Either it passes(succeeds) or it fails (plane crash)

Réponse: Let's laugh de kayrol, postée le 14-07-2005 à 22:36:20 (S | E)
Hello Aimen,
Thanks for your explanations, now I can appreciate your joke
See you soon,
Kayrol

Réponse: Let's laugh de serena, postée le 15-07-2005 à 17:29:40 (S | E)
Well Aimen, we're lucky we were not in that plane !
Joy, I suppose this couple put a bed for the penguin.....in the fridge!

A little boy asks his mother:
- Tell me mum, is it right I have a big head?
- Oh not at all honey! Well, take the sunshade with you, it's raining outside.

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Edité par joy813 le 15-07-2005 17:31

Réponse: Let's laugh de jeanmi, postée le 15-07-2005 à 17:33:22 (S | E)
Hi,

I hope I won't shock our blonde members...

Why does a blonde woman always has the door of a car under her arm in the desert?
I let you guess...

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Edité par jeanmi le 15-07-2005 17:33

Réponse: Let's laugh de felin, postée le 15-07-2005 à 17:37:01 (S | E)
Hi Serena

You made me laugh

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Edité par serena le 15-07-2005 21:35

Réponse: Let's laugh de joy813, postée le 15-07-2005 à 17:58:08 (S | E)
Sorry Jeanmi, but I don't know

"Waiter, there is a dead fly in my soup ! "
" Yes, I'm afraid it was killed by the heat, sir "

Réponse: Let's laugh de jeanmi, postée le 15-07-2005 à 18:42:46 (S | E)
Very funny Joy,

Answer to my joke : Because they are the only ones who open the window to get some fresh air.

Réponse: Let's laugh de grabuge, postée le 15-07-2005 à 19:47:07 (S | E)
You don't shock me, I am used to...

- Why did the blonde cross the road?

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Edité par jeanmi le 15-07-2005 20:05

Réponse: Let's laugh de jeanmi, postée le 15-07-2005 à 20:05:58 (S | E)
No idea... sorry...

Réponse: Let's laugh de grabuge, postée le 15-07-2005 à 20:19:41 (S | E)
I don't know but either does she !

Réponse: Let's laugh de jeanmi, postée le 15-07-2005 à 21:54:17 (S | E)
very funny. Are you blonde, Grabuge?

Why does a blonde woman always have her hair wet, when she goes out her house?

Réponse: Let's laugh de grabuge, postée le 15-07-2005 à 22:41:38 (S | E)
Yes Jeanmi,

I'm a really blonde but I've never gone out with my hair wet

Réponse: Let's laugh de joy813, postée le 15-07-2005 à 22:52:54 (S | E)
That's a nice one

"Why are you crying, Robert ? "
"Well, Grandad, I want to play Cowboys and Indians and Dad won't play with me"
"I'll play with you, then "
"That's no good, Grandad, because you have already been scalped ! "

Réponse: Let's laugh de grabuge, postée le 15-07-2005 à 22:57:14 (S | E)
Joy

Réponse: Let's laugh de jeanmi, postée le 15-07-2005 à 22:59:06 (S | E)
Excellent Joy, ,

Well, blonde women always go out with their hair wet because they are the only ones who kiss their fish before leaving.

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Edité par joy813 le 15-07-2005 23:04
(I always kiss my cat before leaving, so I don't wet my hair )

Réponse: Let's laugh de joy813, postée le 15-07-2005 à 23:12:21 (S | E)
I don't know if she's blond but ,

An arrogant lady had been showed round a private art gallery in Paris.
Standing at the door of the gallery as she was leaving, the woman looked at a modern painting of a woman by Picasso and said :
" I suppose you call this painting a work of art !"
The owner, who had been annoyed by the woman's negative attitude to his collection said:
"No, I call that a mirror !"

Réponse: Let's laugh de grabuge, postée le 15-07-2005 à 23:14:21 (S | E)
Joy, I knew that but now, I'm sure, You're the best for jokes

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Edité par joy813 le 15-07-2005 23:16
, Grabuge, laughter is a part of my life

Réponse: Let's laugh de jeanmi, postée le 15-07-2005 à 23:17:49 (S | E)
Garbuge, but I agree with you, Joy has the best jokes.

Réponse: Let's laugh de felin, postée le 15-07-2005 à 23:20:45 (S | E)
Hi Joy

I like your joke very much

Réponse: Let's laugh de joy813, postée le 15-07-2005 à 23:31:54 (S | E)
Felin and Jeanmi
The last one for today

A man went to a hospital for a new brain.
He was given a choice between 2 brains :
* an engineer's for £ 2,000 or a politician's for £ 500,000

"Does that mean the politician's brain is much better ? "
"Not exactly, said the doctor. The politician's brain has never been used !"

Good night,
Joy

Réponse: Let's laugh de aimen7, postée le 16-07-2005 à 11:29:27 (S | E)
Hello joy,

I like the last one very much
In fact all your jokes are very funny

Here is one about airline pilots again:

A few years ago, a man was travelling on an airline transport company which was so infamous(horrible) for its late arrivals that it was often called "Agony airline".That day, the flight(vol) was rough (hard) from the start.
Finally, the pilot made an annoucement on the intercom (interphone), he said: " I have disturbing news for you. Our flight due to arrive at 5.30 p.m (late of course), will be arriving on time. Since many of you are regular business passengers, I apologize if this disturbs your plans. "

Réponse: Let's laugh de joy813, postée le 16-07-2005 à 13:52:50 (S | E)
Hello, Aimen, yours was great too

That's another one

"Mum, do all fairy tales begin with Once upon a time ..." ?

"No Darling, some start with Sorry, I'm late, Darling. I was detained at the office ...."

Have a nice day,
Joy

Réponse: Let's laugh de kathleen, postée le 19-07-2005 à 22:24:42 (S | E)
Hello!

Two men are talking about their wife:
- My wife is an angel.
- Oh,you are so lucky. Mine is still alive.

Good evening.

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Edité par serena le 20-07-2005 03:39

Réponse: Let's laugh de jeanmi, postée le 19-07-2005 à 22:29:46 (S | E)
very funny indeed.

Réponse: Let's laugh de grabuge, postée le 19-07-2005 à 22:38:59 (S | E)
Hello

--> - How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday??

- Tell them a joke on Wednesday!!

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Edité par serena le 20-07-2005 03:40

Réponse: Let's laugh de jeanmi, postée le 19-07-2005 à 22:40:43 (S | E)
I think the list of jokes about blondes is endless... isn't it Grabuge?

Réponse: Let's laugh de grabuge, postée le 20-07-2005 à 00:00:42 (S | E)
Please, answer me for these questions :

- Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister ?

- If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have ?

- Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer ?

Réponse: Let's laugh de traviskidd, postée le 20-07-2005 à 01:13:21 (S | E)
1) In some states, the dead are not allowed to marry! Can you believe that? It's discrimination! However, I'm not sure whether California is one of those states.

2) You have two ... because it was you who took them away!

3) 30 divided by 1/2 = 60, plus 10 = 70.

Réponse: Let's laugh de serena, postée le 20-07-2005 à 03:53:50 (S | E)
Wonderful Travis !
They should change the law in those states!

As we're talking about marriage, here are its definitions according to the context.

- Common definition: No woman has what she wished and no man wished what he has.
- Legal definition: Condemnation in which the person "sentenced to life" is released only for bad behaviour.
- Mathematical definition: Sum of damned troubles, subtraction of freedom, multiplication of responsibilities, division of funds.
- Weight definition: The fastest method to put on weight.
- Military definition: The only war where we sleep with the enemy.
- Philosophical definition: Makes us resolve problems we’d never have if we remained single.
- Religious definition:....................I’d better stop there!

Conclusion: Don’t worry anymore if you’re not married yet.

I bet this is why some states want the dead to be in peace.....at last.

Réponse: Let's laugh de nouara, postée le 20-07-2005 à 11:16:37 (S | E)
Hi!
Thanks everybody.
I think we need laughing from time to time and we must benefit from each pleasant moment of our life.
As we speak about marriage allow me serena to add this definition: "Marriage is like any other job--it's much easier if you like the boss."
And here is another joke about punctuation :
An English teacher wrote these words on the board: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

just laugh

Réponse: Let's laugh de kathleen, postée le 21-07-2005 à 01:40:56 (S | E)
Hello!

Very funny Nouara and Serena.

A teacher says to Henri :
- You do everything slowly : you speak slowly, you think slowly, you work slowly. Can you tell me what you do quickly ?
- Yes, Sir. I ~~tire myself~~ get tired very quickly.

Have a nice evening.

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Edité par serena le 21-07-2005 02:57
He's a heckuva good child!

Réponse: Let's laugh de grabuge, postée le 29-07-2005 à 14:43:26 (S | E)
Hello everybody

No jokes since July, 21 ! It's impossible.

--> A wife to her husband :
- I have a good and a bad news to tell you
- I hear !
- I leave you, answers the woman
- Ah ! And What's the bad news ?

Réponse: Let's laugh de joy813, postée le 29-07-2005 à 15:14:46 (S | E)
You're right, Grabuge

Doctor ! I have a serious problem ...I can never remember what I just said.

When did you first notice this problem ?

What problem ?

Réponse: Let's laugh de cherry(ilonka04), postée le 29-07-2005 à 15:24:32 (S | E)
The Euro English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

What do you think about it?

Réponse: Let's laugh de traviskidd, postée le 29-07-2005 à 16:55:15 (S | E)
Ei vud rielie leik spiekieng German!

But I propose French as the common language, after La Simplification is complete: Lien Internet

Réponse: Let's laugh de grabuge, postée le 29-07-2005 à 18:00:58 (S | E)
Do you know what Jean Pierre Raffarin told about the widows ?

-- The widows live longer than their husbands --

Réponse: Let's laugh de failte, postée le 30-07-2005 à 08:20:30 (S | E)
Hello! Here is a long joke...

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

HELP WANTED

Must be a good typist and be good with a computer.
Successful applicant must be bilingual.
We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air.

The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say the least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database, then presented them to the manager.

The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realise that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog -- no way could I hire you." The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."

The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual." The dog looked him straight in the eye and said...

"Meow."

Have a nice day!
Hélène

Réponse: Let's laugh de lethidee, postée le 30-07-2005 à 08:29:26 (S | E)
Hello failte

Verry funny, really. Have a good day

Réponse: Let's laugh de failte, postée le 30-07-2005 à 09:18:29 (S | E)
Another one.

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten."

So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey.

God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I
don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, OK?"

And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed again.

On the forth day God created man.

God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my
twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, OK?"

"OK," said God, "you've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Hélène

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