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Redaction TOEFL (1)

<< Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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Redaction TOEFL
Message de amscrimi posté le 15-11-2008 à 14:47:49

Bonjour! j'ai écrit ma première redaction en anglais en utilisant les sujets du TOEFL proposé sur ce site. Pourriez-vous me donner votre avis?


2) Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Parents are the best teachers. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

This statement about parents sounds quite right to me, even if I would say that the reality of our society makes me think that unfortunately it is not what really happens. I mean that “parents should be the best teachers”, but sometimes they are not. I think that children learn more from people they love and who are supposed to take care of them, just watching them. They learn values and attitudes about life, about work and other people, but too often I see that parents do not seem really concerned about what they are showing to theirs children, because they seems more interested about theirs lives and work, so the TV, video games and the Internet take the parents place in the teen agers life.
I live in a small beautiful island and work with young people, very often I see how much the parents forget their duty of parents, children just do not know anything about the family story, the start thinking that money is the most important thing in life, they spend hours chatting on the Internet and they create a very special “teen agers culture” inside of which they try to find answers.
I think that my family really taught me almost everything, concerning the most important values in life, I work hard, I respect other people, I love my country and my family, I try to help if I can and I try to be there for my son, exactly how the used to do. They did not like lies, they respect their children needs and they gave them rules, they were an example for us, and I have been seeing them for years, that made me the way I am.


-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 16-10-2009 09:49


Réponse: Redaction TOEFL de lucile83, postée le 15-11-2008 à 15:00:53
Bonjour,
Fautes signalées par ceci :

This statement about parents sounds quite right to me, even if I would say that the reality of our society makes me think that unfortunately it is not what really happens. I mean that “parents should be the best teachers”, but sometimes they are not. I think that children learn more from people they love and who are supposed to take care of them,.... just watching them. They learn values and attitudes about life, about work and other people, but too often I see that parents do not seem really concerned about what they are showing to theirs children, because they seems more interested about theirs lives and work, so the TV, video games and the Internet take the parents.. place in the teenagers... life. (cas possessifs)

I live in a small beautiful(ordre des adjectifs) island and work with young people, very often I see how much the parents forget their duty of parents, children just do not know anything about the family story, the start thinking that money is the most important thing in life, they spend hours chatting on the Internet and they create a very special “teenagers culture” inside of which they try to find answers. (phrase un peu longue donc lourde)

I think that my family really taught me almost everything, concerning the most important values in life, I work hard, I respect other people, I love my country and my family, I try to help if I can and I try to be there for my son, exactly how the used to do. They did not like lies, they respect their children... needs and they gave them rules, they were an example for us, and I have been seeing them for years, that made me the way I am.

Ceci est une 1ére correction; attention au cas possessif;texte pas mal du tout pour un 1er essai
See you.


Réponse: Redaction TOEFL de amscrimi, postée le 15-11-2008 à 20:39:11

Merci beaucoup, je me demande pouroui j'ai fait des fautes si stupides ? Comme le possessif !!! Pas certaine sur des corrections que j'ai fait... Pour le mot en rouge...je ne trouve pas, le bleu...pas sûre.
Merci pour les encouragements




This statement about parents sounds quite right to me, even if I should say that the reality of our society makes me think that unfortunately it is not what really happens. I mean that “parents should be the best teachers”, but sometimes they are not. I think that children learn more from people they love and who are supposed to take care of them, taking example from them. They learn values and attitudes about life, about work and other people, but too often I see that parents do not seem really concerned about what they are showing to their children, because they seems more interested about their lives and work, so TV, video games and the Internet take the parents' place in the teenagers' life.
I live in a beautiful small island and work with young people, very often I see how much the parents forget their duty of parents, children just do not know anything about the family story, they start thinking that money is the most important thing in life. They spend hours chatting on the Internet and they create a very special “teenagers culture” inside of which they try to find answers.
I think that my family really taught me almost everything, concerning the most important values in life, I work hard, I respect other people, I love my country and my family, I try to help if I can and I try to be there for my son, exactly how they used to do. They did not like lies, they respected their children' needs and they gave them rules, they were an example for us, and I have been seeing them for years, they made me the way I am.



Réponse: Redaction TOEFL de lucile83, postée le 15-11-2008 à 21:07:44
Hi,

This statement about parents sounds quite right to me, even if I should say (even if I can say) that the reality of our society makes me think that unfortunately it is not what really happens. I mean that “parents should be the best teachers”, but sometimes they are not. I think that children learn more from people they love and who ( ce mot est inutile) are supposed to take care of them, taking example from them. They learn values and attitudes about life, about work and other people, but too often I see that parents do not seem really concerned about what they are showing to their children, because they seems(étourderie je pense) more interested about their lives and work, so TV, video games and the Internet take the parents' place in the teenagers' life.
I live in a beautiful small island and work with young people, very often I see how much the parents forget their duty of parents, children just do not know anything about the family story, they start thinking that money is the most important thing in life. They spend hours chatting on the Internet and they create a very special “teenagers culture” inside of which(in which) they try to find answers.
I think that my family really taught me almost everything, concerning the most important values in life, I work hard, I respect other people, I love my country and my family, I try to help if I can and I try to be there for my son, exactly how they used to do. They did not like lies, they respected their children's needs and they gave them rules, they were an example for us, and I have been seeing them for years, they made me the way I am.

Quite good ! you could improve the style and some structures but you needn't write a novel,do you?
Glad to have helped you
Best wishes.


Réponse: Redaction TOEFL de amscrimi, postée le 16-11-2008 à 14:11:34
Super, merci encore. Je vais travailler une autre redaction et lire plus en anglais, ça aide d'habitude. Mais comme je fais l'espagnol au même temps et au même niveau plus au moins, il me faut qulques jours.
Thank you again





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