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Nouvelle / correction (1)

<< Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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Nouvelle / correction
Message de emeline78 posté le 04-03-2009 à 15:52:37 (S | E | F)

Bpuppets Bonjour.
J
e suis en 1ère L. et notre professeur d'anglais renforcé nous a demandé d'écrire une nouvelle effrayante d'environ 400 mots. Nous devions obligatoirement insérer des mots tels que "measles" ou encore "kangaroo", d'où l'histoire assez spéciale...
Je viens tout juste de la terminer et j'aimerais savoir, si quelqu'un a un petit peu de temps ou rien d'autre à faire, s'il pouvait me la corriger. Ce serait vraiment sympathique.!
Voilà, merci d'avance!

This evening, I realised that I was totally and permanently in love with Johnny... I was always attracted by the artists, and Johnny was one... In fact, he made some marvellous puppets and put on some shows with them. Moreover, he was the perfect gentleman. In fact, in spite of my horrible face covered with red marks, he told me that I was good-looking. Furthermore, he kissed me for the first time, so, he loved me so much that he was not afraid of catch my measles! I felt perfectly comfortable with him. That was the reason why I accepted with a big smile to come in his flat after the delicious candlelit dinner in the Australian restaurant.
When I entered in his dark apartment, I was “intriguée”. Indeed, Johnny was a joyful person, contrary to his flat... In fact, I wondered why his shutters were closed.
- “Can I take your trench coat and your umbrella?” He asked me, interrupted my mind.
I nodded and leaded in the living room. I came near a kangaroo's photograph. It makes me smile because I knew that he became attached to Australia, his country of origin. I shivered when I saw, next to this picture, a wall covered with bald women's photographs who are screaming. I felt ill-at-ease because I had the bothering impression that they were staring at me... All of these women seemed desperate and... frightened. I gave a start when Johnny asked me:
- “Would you like to drink something?”
I accepted a glass of whisky: I needed to relax. I heard the wind rose and the lightning dropped.
- “I think you have to stay with me tonight... It will be not cautious to go out.” Johnny said to me with in triumph.
My throat tightened up.
Suddenly, Johnny kissed me with ardour and attracted me in his bathroom, in spite of my will. When I grew back him, he reacted violently. He breathed noisily and pushed me on the floor.
- “What are you doing? Are you crazy? Let me leave your flat! Don't touch me!” I beseeched him. He did not answer to me. I howled but unfortunately, nobody heard me.
Suddenly, he seized a pair of scissors and began to cut my hair... I was totally exhausted and powerless to defend me.
- “Why do you do that?!” I said to him. I was crying noisily.
- “I have to make some wigs for my puppets” He answered to me, impassive.
It seems to me that I was the heroine of an horror film or in a nightmare. When Johnny finished to cut my hair, he headed towards his bedroom. I stood up and, panicked, I was looking for a blade. Toothbrush, soap, bath towel... There was nothing. I was trapped. It was definitely a nightmare. He came back with a camera and take a photo with me before to kill me.
Don't trust anybody.

-------------------
Modifié par bridg le 04-03-2009 16:14


Réponse: Nouvelle / correction de laure95, postée le 04-03-2009 à 16:19:21 (S | E)
Bonjour, voici ce que tu dois reprendre:
This (this: pour le présent) evening, I realised that I was totally and permanently in love with Johnny... I was always attracted (tu fais 1 bilan, donc utilise le présent perfect à la voix passive) by the artists, and Johnny was one of them... In fact, he made some marvellous puppets and put on some shows with them. Moreover, he was the perfect gentleman. In fact, in spite of my horrible face covered with red marks (vocabulaire), he told me that I was good-looking. Furthermore, he kissed me for the first time, so, he loved me so much that he was not afraid of catch (après 1 préposition, il faut mettre le verbe en -ing) my measles! I felt perfectly comfortable with him. That was the reason why I accepted with a big smile to come in his flat after the delicious candlelit dinner in the Australian restaurant.
When I entered in his dark apartment, I was “intriguée”. Indeed, Johnny was a joyful person, contrary to his flat... In fact, I wondered why his shutters were closed.
- “Can I take your trench coat and your umbrella?” He asked me, interrupted my mind.
I nodded and leaded in the living room. I came (vocabulaire) near a kangaroo's photograph. It makes (temps) me smile because I knew that he became attached to Australia, his country of origin. I shivered when I saw, next to this picture, a wall covered with bald women's photographs who are (temps) screaming. I felt ill-at-ease because I had the bothering impression that they were staring at me... All of these women seemed desperate and... frightened. I gave a start when Johnny asked me:
- “Would you like to drink something (pas dans le bon ordre)?”
I accepted a glass of whisky: I needed to relax. I heard the wind rose and the lightning dropped (infinitif).
- “I think you have to stay with me tonight... It will be not cautious to go out.” Johnny said to me with in triumph.
My throat tightened up.
Suddenly, Johnny kissed me with ardour and attracted me in his bathroom, in spite of my will. When I grew back him, he reacted violently. He breathed noisily and pushed me on the floor.
- “What are you doing? Are you crazy? Let me leave your flat! Don't touch me!” I beseeched him. He did not answer to me. I howled but unfortunately, nobody heard me.
Suddenly, he seized a pair of scissors and began to cut my hair... I was totally exhausted and powerless to defend me.
- “Why do you do (temps) that?!” I said to him. I was crying noisily.
- “I have to make some wigs for my puppets” He answered to me, impassive.
It seems to me that I was the heroine of an horror film or in a nightmare. When Johnny finished to cut my hair, he headed towards his bedroom. I stood up and, panicked, I was looking for a blade. Toothbrush, soap, bath towel... There was nothing. I was trapped. It was definitely a nightmare. He came back with a camera and take (temps) a photo with me before to kill (verbe au gérondif après 1 préposition) me.
Don't trust anybody.
Bon courage pour les corrections.




Réponse: Nouvelle / correction de emeline78, postée le 04-03-2009 à 16:34:13 (S | E)
Waou j'ai fait tellement de fautes bêtes!
En tout cas, merci beaucoup, c'est vraiment gentil! :D



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