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Correction/prise de sommifère (1)

<< Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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Correction/prise de sommifère
Message de zubok posté le 09-04-2009 à 21:01:09 (S | E | F)

Bonjour à tous,
Je suis étudiant en ingénieur et je dois rédiger plusieurs textes pour mon examen(Un résumé et un commentaire à propos de sujets d'actualité). Le premier texte traite de la prise de sommifère pendant la crise. Et le second texte parle de la nintendo Wii qui pourrai aider à luttter contre l'obésité cher les jeunes.
Pourriez-vous vérifier l'orthographe et la tournure de mes phrases? Merci d'avance.

1st text:
Summary:
A new survey shows that more and more people suffer from insomnia nowadays. People are affected by the recession; they want to have a prosperous financial future. But all their money worries deeply affect their sleep.
A lot of people couldn’t sleep at night before these recent events, but now this phenomenon is more marked. Nearly 5 percent of British population takes sleeping pills, even if side effects are well known.
Moreover, sleeping pills are prescribed zealously, because patients think that it’s the only way to struggle with insomnia. But they know that a regular use of these tablets gives only 25 min of sleeping, and leads to fatigue and concern during the day.
After few weeks, users become addicted, and they need to take higher doses of tablets to get to sleep. That represents a risk for people’s health.
According to researchers, there is a solution to get over it: a therapy called CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). A few hour of CBT can cure insomnia.
This is a talking therapy that uses psychological interventions. At the beginning, specialists tell you what promote and what prevent sleep. Then, they show you relaxing methods.
Some people can be reluctant to do this therapy, but results show that is working. 7 patients of 10 feel better after CBT.

Comments:
A lot of people suffer from insomnia, and for some of them, it is certainly due to recession. But it is not a reason to start taking sleeping pills. Because side effects are worse.
This kind of pills is like a drug, a lot of people become addicted after just few uses.
Researchers have found a therapy called CBT which can help you to sleep. It certainly works, but I think that’s there is no use to try a therapy if you can’t sleep. If you're reasonably intelligent, you can learn CBT basics from books or from the internet. And then work out these principles by yourself.
Moreover, you should do a lot of sport to be tired up, and you shouldn’t drink coffee and tea for several hours at least before going to bed. It will certainly help you getting to sleep.
And I think that the most important thing to do is to make an investment in a good wool duvet.

2nd text:
Summary:
Nintendo Wii is a computer game which is different from other. Indeed it can be a solution to struggle with obesity problems.
Obesity is a real problem nowadays. There are more and more children who are obese, and particularly among boys.
Video games are an important factor of obesity in the young. Instead of removing video games from their life’s, researchers suggest that they can be used to feel better.
Researchers found that a lot of calories could be burnt during an active playing. For example, if you play 60 minutes everyday, you will burn four kg of body fat a year.
A survey showed that the heart rate was rising when children were playing, so they were doing a kind of exercise. The most important advantage is that they could do the minimum recommended amount of exercise at home.
But the real target is to encourage children to do sport regularly. Researchers think that video games could help them to have a daily physical activity.

Merci
(Je n'ai pas inséré le commentaire du deuxième texte parce il n'y avait plus de place lol )

-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 09-04-2009 21:07


Réponse: Correction/prise de sommifère de mawoubelle, postée le 10-04-2009 à 21:06:09 (S | E)
What a message!
I'll try to be 'organized' in my response!

1st text, summary:
-ordre phrase: "a survey shows that NOWADAYS..."
-what about using a linking word such as 'Indeed' to introduce "people are affected[...]"?
-ordre phrase+lexique "before these recent events, a lot of people already had sleeping pbms, but now this phenom.is increasing."
-5% of THE British...
-I find it strange that you should describe the side effects one sentence away from the sentence in which you 1st talk about them. Therefore, why not write:
"[...]side effects are well known. A regular use gives....during the day. After a few weeks...to get to sleep. Nevertheless, these sleeping pills are prescibed...". What do you think?
-'This[is a talking therapy]' should be replaced by CBS for clarity.
-"specialists tell you": who is you? the reader? why not the patients? (inform the patients about what..."
-what preventS sleepING
-show that IT is working


Réponse: Correction/prise de sommifère de mawoubelle, postée le 10-04-2009 à 21:18:40 (S | E)
(suite)

Commentary:
First of all, I find it strange that your commentary should actually be a critism of the method. I thought you were to comment on the article...? the impact of environment on people's health; people's habit in curing their pbms with medicine instead of "thinking them away"; the role of the pharmaceutical compagnies and doctors... blabla....
Here are some mistakes you've made:
-thESE kind of pillS ARE (pluriel)
-it certainly works -> calque français. "It has proved its relaxing efficacy"
-ponctuation: "from the internet. And then...."
-"is to invest in a good..."


Réponse: Correction/prise de sommifère de mawoubelle, postée le 10-04-2009 à 21:29:29 (S | E)
(suite et fin)

2nd text:
-Wii is a VIDEO game [..] from otherS
-Pas de bol pour ce Indeed (mais bien essayé! il ne colle pas très bien ici) "The Nintendo Wii is said to be one of the possible means to prevent obesity" ??
-among the young
-But now instead of....from their lives (pluriel!!)
-you COULD burn 4kg of fat
-pas d'aspect ING pour RISE et PLAY (faits ponctuels, pas en train ni arrière plan) peut être présent? vérité générale?
-to practise an activity regularly

Voili voilou, J'espère que j'ai été claire...
Ton niveau est bon, quelques fautes mais le message est clair car tu as bien compris la grammaire et syntaxe anglaise! Well done!


Réponse: Correction/prise de sommifère de zubok, postée le 10-04-2009 à 21:52:52 (S | E)
Thank you for your help mawoubelle

Et à propos du commentaire sur le texte, je ne voulais pas m'emporter dans des explications compliquées, voire phylosophiques sur le sujet. Donc j'ai fait au plus simple sans aller dans de trop grands détails.
Merci Kiss :d


Réponse: Correction/prise de sommifère de zubok, postée le 10-04-2009 à 22:03:47 (S | E)
Ohhh, j'avais pas vu que tu avais jeter un coup d'oeil au dernier texte
Et merci pour le " well done" , sa fait toujours plaisir de savoir que je suis pas si mauvais que sa en anglais




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