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Short Story
Message de anae posté le 11-05-2009 à 19:48:53 (S | E | F)
Hello!
Can you help me to correct this short story please? The instructions are "write a story beginning with the words : It was three o'clock in the morning when the telephone rang"
Thank you kindly,
Anae
It was three o’clock in the morning when the telephone rang. I woke up with a start, rubbed my eyes and pricked up my ears in search of the sound at the root of my waking up. After one ring tone, I identified my bedroom’s telephone. I stomped until the telephone table with irritation. “Who on earth could be phoning in the middle of the night?” I stopped to shilly-shally and I picked up the receiver.
“Who’s calling?” My bad mood was superseded by inquietude when I heard my daughter’s tears on the end of the line. “Anae? Darling? Why are you crying? What is the problem?”
“I had a terrible accident, there is blood everywhere. John doesn’t move, I think he is dead. I still in his car and I can’t take out. Mummy, my leg hurts me!!!” I shouted out “Oh my god! Where are you?” The phone went dead.
I woke up with a start, again… but in real life this time. I thank immediately : « Anae is in health, it was just a nightmare.” As I catch my breath and was on the mend, the telephone rang.
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Modifié par lucile83 le 11-05-2009 22:06
Message de anae posté le 11-05-2009 à 19:48:53 (S | E | F)
Hello!
Can you help me to correct this short story please? The instructions are "write a story beginning with the words : It was three o'clock in the morning when the telephone rang"
Thank you kindly,
Anae
It was three o’clock in the morning when the telephone rang. I woke up with a start, rubbed my eyes and pricked up my ears in search of the sound at the root of my waking up. After one ring tone, I identified my bedroom’s telephone. I stomped until the telephone table with irritation. “Who on earth could be phoning in the middle of the night?” I stopped to shilly-shally and I picked up the receiver.
“Who’s calling?” My bad mood was superseded by inquietude when I heard my daughter’s tears on the end of the line. “Anae? Darling? Why are you crying? What is the problem?”
“I had a terrible accident, there is blood everywhere. John doesn’t move, I think he is dead. I still in his car and I can’t take out. Mummy, my leg hurts me!!!” I shouted out “Oh my god! Where are you?” The phone went dead.
I woke up with a start, again… but in real life this time. I thank immediately : « Anae is in health, it was just a nightmare.” As I catch my breath and was on the mend, the telephone rang.
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Modifié par lucile83 le 11-05-2009 22:06
Réponse: Short Story de lucile83, postée le 11-05-2009 à 21:31:36 (S | E)
Bonjour,
It was three o’clock in the morning when the telephone rang. I woke up with a start, rubbed my eyes and pricked up my ears in search of the sound at the root of my waking up. After one ring tone, I identified my bedroom’s telephone. I stomped until the telephone table with irritation. “Who on earth could be phoning in the middle of the night?” I stopped to shillyshally( 1 word) and I picked up the receiver.
“Who’s calling?” My bad mood was superseded by inquietude when I heard my daughter’s tears (can you hear tears?) on the end of the line. “Anae? Darling? Why are you crying? What is the problem?”
“I had a terrible accident, there is blood everywhere. John doesn’t move, I think he is dead. I.....verb?... still in his car and I can’t take out. Mummy, my leg hurts me!!!” I shouted out “Oh my god! Where are you?” The phone went dead.
I woke up with a start, again… but in real life this time. I thank immediately : « Anae is in health, it was just a nightmare.” As I catch my breath and was on the mend>( doesn't fit here), the telephone rang.
Pas trop mal, bien que la fin accumule les erreurs,... fatigue? le tout est correct mais un peu proche du dictionnaire; histoire agréable à lire
Best wishes.
Réponse: Short Story de anae, postée le 11-05-2009 à 21:46:04 (S | E)
Tout d'abord merci beaucoup.
J'ai réussi à corriger quelques fautes :
- "I stomped all the way to the telephone table" au lieu de "I stomped until the telephone table with irritation"
- "sobs" au lieu de "tears"
- "I'm still in his car" au lieu de "I.....verb?... still in his car "
Mais les autres m'échappent. Pouvez-vous m'aidez, s'il vous plait?
Merci d'avance
Sarah
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Modifié par lucile83 le 11-05-2009 22:05
Réponse: Short Story de lucile83, postée le 11-05-2009 à 22:04:52 (S | E)
Hi,
-bedroom’s telephone : une chambre n'est pas une personne,cas possessif?
-on the end / voir préposition
-take out / sortir,descendre d'un véhicule = avec get
-thank = merci/ je ne vois pas ce que ça vient faire ici; voir think ? au prétérit of course
-in health / on est en bonne ou mauvaise santé,il manque un mot
-catch my breath/ temps du verbe
-was on the mend = was feeling better
Les corrections précédentes sont ok !
Best wishes.
Réponse: Short Story de anae, postée le 11-05-2009 à 22:38:41 (S | E)
Merci pour toutes ces corrections
Bonne fin de soirée
Bisous
Anae
Réponse: Short Story de TravisKidd, postée le 12-05-2009 à 00:18:41 (S | E)
"John isn't moving."
"My leg hurts."
"Anae is OK." (elle est sauve)
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Modifié par lucile83 le 12-05-2009 06:32
Yes! thanks, I forgot those 3 mistakes, oops.
INDISPENSABLES : 