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Correction/Today it's a dark day

<< Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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Correction/Today it's a dark day
Message de rimotte posté le 04-01-2010 à 22:04:55 (S | E | F)

Bonjour,
Voilà ma rédaction, si vous pouviez corriger toutes les fautes merci énormément à tout le monde .

Robert, my darling,

Today it's a dark day, I know that in the near future I will leave this beautiful world although I never really see him. But I have a heart and he told me how life is the most wonderful thing that exist. You'll probably want to know why I write you a letter just for tell you this sort of stuff. Where I want to start telling is the Christmas day, a miracle had happened. I felt lonely and had a glass whiskey with me, I was thinking about my life and you my little Robert, you miss me so much. I know that you will not come for Christmas, you never visit me, you forget me and you don't like me, all this black idea were in my head. I remember that I have a lot of medication of my little board. Oh, I'm so shameful but you imagine what I planned at this moment. Thank god at this same moment I heard the bell and I nearly dropped dead I hopped you coming . Suddenly I realized that you can't she the whiskey and the medication so I hurried and hide the crime. When I open the door I felt a male presence my heart was beating, I was convince it was you but when I heard the voice that can't be you... It was your angel, I know that. He told me, he was you but he had something divine like an angel that come for my last Christmas a sort of heavenly message. Your angel has all your good side, he looks like you. He wanted to reassure me, It appears that you work now, I am very proud of you. He offered me a very delicious Christmas meal too: precooked chicken, vegetable soup, a bucket of potato salad, a chocolate cake, by the way he loved chocolate cake like you , do you remember ? Unfortunately every dream has an end, and my angel lifted the room and I felt in sleep, in a very long and beautiful sleep. When I wake up I initially thought that was a dream but I could still feel the smell of chicken and your smell. So it was the most beautiful gift that you could offer me: send me your angel I wanted to thank you before I die.

Your Granny Ethel,

-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 04-01-2010 22:11


Réponse: Correction/Today it's a dark day de brettdallen, postée le 04-01-2010 à 22:58:23 (S | E)
Bonsoir,
Vous écrivez bien pour votre âge. Il y a des fautes, c'est évident, mais aussi du rythme, de l'intensité et vous sentez ce qu'est la narration...!
Amicalement.


Réponse: Correction/Today it's a dark day de rimotte, postée le 04-01-2010 à 23:08:39 (S | E)
Oh merci c'est très gentil moi qui pensais ne pas me débrouiller très bien . Ce genre de commentaire redonne du courage et la volonté d'écrire plus ! Merci beaucoup encore.


Réponse: Correction/Today it's a dark day de brettdallen, postée le 04-01-2010 à 23:28:59 (S | E)
Bonsoir,
En fait, avec plus de justesse(grammaticale et structurale), vous seriez presque publiable car vous avez la tonalité(ce qui, selon moi, est une grande qualité!). Je laisse néanmoins le soin de la correction à d'autres...
Amicalement.


Réponse: Correction/Today it's a dark day de dolfine56, postée le 05-01-2010 à 11:00:39 (S | E)
Bonjour

Today it's a dark day, I know that in the near future I will leave this beautiful world although I never really see ;au passé him. But I have a heart and he told me how life is the most wonderful thing that exist;3è pers.. You'll probably want to know why I write you a letter just for tell you this sort of stuff. Where I want to start telling ismanque une préposition the Christmas day, a miracle had happened. I felt lonely and had a glass whiskey;mal dit with me, I was thinking about my life and you my little Robert, you miss; c'est l'inverseme so much. I know that you will not come for Christmas, you never visit me, you forget me and you don't like me, all this black idea;au pluriel were in my head. I remember that I have a lot of medication;pluriel of;une autre préposition my little board. Oh, I'm so shameful but you imagine what I planned at this moment. Thank god at this same moment I heard the bell and I nearly dropped dead I hopped you coming . Suddenly I realized that you can't;plutôt must? she the whiskey and the medication so I hurried and hide the crime. When I open the door I felt a male presence, my heart was beating, I was convince it was you but when I heard the voice that can't;au passé be you... It was your angel, I know that. He told me, he was you but he had something divine like an angel that come for my last Christmas a sort of heavenly message. Your angel has all your good side, he looks like you. He wanted to reassure me, It appears that you work;forme progressive now, I am very proud of you. He offered me a very delicious Christmas meal too: precooked chicken, vegetable soup, a bucket of potato salad, a chocolate cake, by the way he loved chocolate cake like you , do you remember ? Unfortunately every dream has an end, and my angel lifted the room and I felt in sleep, in a very long and beautiful sleep. When I wake up I initially thought that was a dream but I could still feel the smell of chicken and your smell. So it was the most beautiful gift that you could offer me: send me your angel I wanted to thank you before I die; participe présent?.

j'ai relevé quelques fautes, mais il serait plus prudent d'attendre d'autres avis....





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