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Correction/ recent elections

Cours gratuits > Forum > Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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Correction/ recent elections
Message de benchada posté le 20-07-2011 à 14:45:59 (S | E | F)
Hello everybody

Here is an essay that I wrote, and I would like you to correct it for me, and also give me a mork out of 5 ,ie(../5) , if you don't mind; so that I can evaluate myself before the real test.

Thank you so much in advance!

The essay:

After electing a new mayor in the recent elections, he has made a lot of plans in order to improve many services in our city. One of these plans is building a high school in my neighbourhood. I was extremely delighted when I heard the news. Because I usually support education, so I support all sorts of plans that can help getting our community an educated one.
Nowadays, it has been proved that knowledge and science are the only keys which allow the development of a country. Factories, diplomats, doctors and even farmers, they all passed by the high school one day, and then by the university. And today, here they are building the reputation of our country.
Furthermore, if a community exists without having a high school, this may cause a lot of problems in there. First, kids when they finish their middle school, they can't pursue higher studies, so they get a limit level of knowledge. In this way, they can never enter to the university.
Second, it's well known that children, if they don't find what fills the gap in their time, they will be surely destinated to other dangerous things. For example, since they are not studying they can buy Cafaiin, they can be thiefs and in the end they can harm the public security. From another side too, they can be also disgustly exploited in some very hard jobs; so they may be victims of what we call child labour.
In brief, in a case or another, a damage will be caused to the country as a whole. And building a high school, has the potential to prevent all these undesirable consequences; and also has a lot of advantages. That's why I do support building a high school in my neighbourhood!

Thanks again!

-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 20-07-2011 15:02
We never give any mark on the forum,sorry.




Réponse: Correction/ recent elections de sherry48, postée le 20-07-2011 à 18:34:06 (S | E)
Hello benchada,

Here are some ideas to begin revising your essay-

After electing a new mayor in the recent elections, he has made a lot of plans in order to improve many services in our city. One of these plans is building a high school in my neighbourhood. 1 I was extremely delighted when I heard the news. Because I usually support education, so I support all sorts of plans that can help getting our community an educated one.
Nowadays, it has been proved that knowledge and science are the only keys which allow the development of a country. Factories, diplomats, doctors and even farmers, they all passed by the high school one day, and then by the university. And today, here they are building the reputation of our country.
Furthermore, if a community exists without having a high school, this may cause a lot of problems in there. First, kids when they finish their middle school, they can't pursue higher studies, so they get a limit 2 level of knowledge. In this way, they can never enter to the university.
Second, it's well known that children, if they don't find what fills the gap in their time, 3 they will be surely destinated to other dangerous things. 4 For example, since they are not studying they can buy Cafaiin, they can be thiefs 5 and in the end they can harm the public security. From another side too, they can be also disgustly 6 exploited in some very hard jobs; so they may be victims of what we call child labour.
In brief, in a case or another,7 a damage will be caused to the country as a whole. And building a high school, has the potential to prevent all these undesirable consequences; and also has a lot of advantages. That's why I do support building a high school in my neighbourhood!

1. 'After electing a new mayor in the recent elections'--who elected a new mayor ? The answer would be the name of a city. In the remainder of the sentence, the subject 'he' seems to refer to the mayor. Revise this.
2. Limit is a noun, you need an adjective.
3. A different expression would be better, such as 'if they have too much time on their hands' or another similar phrase.
4. Destinated is not the right word, you can use destined or change the phrase.
5. Review plurals for nouns ending in f, since the rule varies.
6. Disgustly is not a word. Perhaps disgustingly ?
7. The expression should be in one case rather than a case.

My last suggestion for now, is to use since instead of because in your sentence beginning with 'Because I usually support education', as it is better at the beginning of a sentence.
Sherry



Réponse: Correction/ recent elections de benchada, postée le 20-07-2011 à 22:30:06 (S | E)
Thank you so much for your help! I really apreciate it!

I will make things correct, right now!




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