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Correction /personal statement

Cours gratuits > Forum > Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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Correction /personal statement
Message de thefrenchstuden posté le 19-12-2012 à 17:48:06 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,

quelqu'un pourrait-il corriger mon personal statement s'il vous plaît?
Merci pour vos réponses!

The reason I apply to this course is because we learn to work behind the scenes to get products to the customer, to build profit and growth for the business. Finding strategies and tactics, learning how to manage merchandise without losing sight of the consumer buying behaviour is something which fascinates me. I've always been curious about people's reactions according to what industries presented to them, and the strategy they set up to convince them. I believe this course will give me confidence to be conversant with this, and also it will offer me the opportunity to develop skills such as innovation, group work and persuasion.
I could be a good element in this course because I'm curious, assiduous, creative and always willing to learn more. My interests lie mostly in different art forms such as photography, films, painting, music... I'm particularly interested in fashion and how the society influences it. I like to keep up-to-date by reading blogs, magazines and watching foreign channels. I've also always enjoyed travelling since I'm little to different countries. Having parents of different origins already gave me the desire of finding more about the different traditions and customs, the architecture and the history of these countries.
I've always been passionate about the English culture, and also by their open-mindedness. Moving to England is challenging and an unknown journey, but I'll consider myself stronger. Studying there would give me the opportunity of learning a new lifestyle, a different vision of the world and of business. Moreover, living in another country is an enriching experience at both personally and professionally levels. In the future, I'd like to pursue a career in which I can travel and work everyday with new people.

-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 19-12-2012 21:29
Mise en forme standard


Réponse: Correction /personal statement de bernard02, postée le 20-12-2012 à 03:43:18 (S | E)
Bonjour,

vu l'heure tardive, j'ai seulement survoler votre texte, mais je vous repère quand même (en bleu) deux points qui sont à revoir, me semble-t-il (il y en a peut-être d'autres).

The reason I apply to (autre préposition) this course is because we learn to work behind the scenes to get products to the customer, to build profit and growth for the business. Finding strategies and tactics, learning how to manage merchandise without losing sight of the consumer buying behaviour is something which fascinates me. I've always been curious about people's reactions according to what industries presented to them, and the strategy they set up to convince them. I believe this course will give me confidence to be conversant with this, and also it will offer me the opportunity to develop skills such as innovation, group work and persuasion.
I could be a good element in this course because I'm curious, assiduous, creative and always willing to learn more. My interests lie mostly in different art forms such as photography, films, painting, music... I'm particularly interested in fashion and how the society influences it. I like to keep up-to-date by reading blogs, magazines and watching foreign channels. I've also always enjoyed travelling since I'm little to different countries (à remettre dans un autre ordre). Having parents of different origins already gave me the desire of finding more about the different traditions and customs, the architecture and the history of these countries.
I've always been passionate about the English culture, and also by their open-mindedness. Moving to England is challenging and an unknown journey, but I'll consider myself stronger. Studying there would give me the opportunity of learning a new lifestyle, a different vision of the world and of business. Moreover, living in another country is an enriching experience at both personally and professionally levels. In the future, I'd like to pursue a career in which I can travel and work everyday with new people.

Bon courage.



Réponse: Correction /personal statement de bluestar, postée le 20-12-2012 à 10:25:23 (S | E)
Bonjour..

Voici quelques suggestions supplémentaires:

The reason I apply to this course is because we learn to work behind the scenes to get products to the customer, to build profit and growth for the business. Finding strategies and tactics, learning how to manage merchandise without losing sight of the consumer("customer" serait mieux) buying behaviour is something which fascinates me. I've always been curious about people's reactions according (superflu) to what industries presented to them, and the strategy they set up to convince them. I believe this course will give me confidence to be conversant with this, and also it will offer me the opportunity to develop skills such as innovation, group work and persuasion.
I could be a good element in this course because I'm curious, assiduous, creative and always willing to learn more. My interests lie mostly in different art forms such as photography, films, painting, music... I'm particularly interested in fashion and how the
(sans article défini devant les noms abstraits) society influences it. I like to keep up-to-date by reading blogs, magazines and watching foreign channels. I've also always enjoyed travelling since I'm little to different countries. Having parents of different origins already gave me the desire of finding (il faut l'infinitiv ici)more about the different traditions and customs, the architecture and the history of these countries.
I've always been passionate about the English culture, and also by their open-mindedness. Moving to England is challenging and an unknown journey, but I'll consider myself stronger (mélange des temps de verbe dans cette phrase, présent et futur) Studying there would give me the opportunity of learning a new lifestyle, a different vision of the world and of business. Moreover, living in another country is an enriching experience at both personally and professionally (adjectifs pas adverbes)levels. In the future, I'd like to pursue a career in which I can travel and work everyday (deux mots; every day) with new people.

..............


-------------------
Modifié par bluestar le 20-12-2012 10:27





Réponse: Correction /personal statement de amran18, postée le 20-12-2012 à 11:20:54 (S | E)





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