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Rédaction/ science fiction

Cours gratuits > Forum > Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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Rédaction/ science fiction
Message de toot0 posté le 27-01-2014 à 11:48:58 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
j'ai une rédaction à faire pour demain en anglais sur le thème de la science fiction et de l'utopie.
J'ai écrit environ la moitié de ma rédaction, pouvez-vous corriger mes fautes,mes erreurs s'il vous plaît ? Votre aide me serait vraiment d'une très grande utilité car je galère...
d'avance et bonne journée !!

Voici mon devoir :

Hello, my name is James Peter Bryan Junior number 27. But everybody calls me Pet. I’m 16 years old and I l live in Fuji, a big city situated in Mars. Last summer, an incredible but real adventure happened to me. So let’s talk about it.
“Like I said, last summer, in July, just in the beginning of the vacations, I was using a teleportation machine in order to go to Miami Beach, in the Earth. But unfortunately, I pushed the wrong button, and the machine broke, so instead of arrive near the sea, I lost my way and accidentally ended up in an extraordinary, unknown city. Everything was calm and silent. The sky was blue, and the sun was shining. There was a splendid grass without any limit, a lot of beautiful flowers everywhere. Everything was just perfect. I lay on the floor, it was truly comfortable. I don’t know how many hours I stayed there, but when I woke up, I was laid in a bed, in an enormous dormitory. A young man who looked like a doctor said to me “Nice to meet you, Pet. How are you? I hope you did have a good trip.We were waiting you. Well, this is the dormitory n°2. All new inhabitants of the city sleep there. Near the dormitory, there is the Cupola. It’s where all people go to talk, to laugh, and to have fun, of course, because in Pleasantville, you must be happy. It’s our motto and our only rule. Make yourself at home”. At the time, I was totally shocked, I couldn’t understand how he knew my name and the fact that he really seemed to wait me was a little bit disturbing. I think he noticed it, because he asked me “Something wrong, Pet? », and I just replied « No, no, everything is well, thank you”. Then he let me five minutes to change my clothes and to join him in the Copula. It was a huge, enormous wooden building, and maybe hundreds of people were assembled there. But, strangely, there wasn’t a lot of noise. The young men who brought me in it presented me some people, and I sat with them. They talked with me, and I was surprised to discover how they were all clever and very eloquent. Furthermore, they weren’t just intelligent: they were young, beautiful and in good health (apparently…). They seemed to be perfect! When I looked around me, I saw only young people. They were all smiling and laughing and seemed to be incredibly happy. For them, everything was for the best in the best of all possible worlds!!! After I talked to them, my host – Zayn- accompanied me to the Copula and stayed with me a few minutes, and he came back home. Since this day, I went to the Copula every morning from sunrise to sunset, because it was so pleasant to talk all the day and to drink fruit cocktails all the time. Sometime, I swam in the amazing swimming-pool inside of the building, at other times, I made fabulous attractions like roller coaster for example, and I went to the cinema tens of time to see awesome movies in 9D with a huge and spectacular screen. To sum up, those month were just really incredible for me, it had nothing in common with my life in Fuji. I didn’t have to study, so, I didn’t have to support the stupid and boring students of my high school. I didn’t have to do the housework yet… Yeah, definitely, I really thought that Pleasantville was a perfect city.
But one day, unfortunately, I got sick.I had a fever since few days, which is for me the symptom of influenza. When I said it to Zayn, he took me to the clinic of Pleasantville, which was totally empty.

-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 27-01-2014 11:51


Réponse: Rédaction/ science fiction de toot0, postée le 27-01-2014 à 13:21:12 (S | E)
up



Réponse: Rédaction/ science fiction de gerondif, postée le 27-01-2014 à 14:05:20 (S | E)
Hello,

Hello, my name is James Peter Bryan Junior number 27. But everybody calls me Pet. I’m 16 years old and I l live in Fuji, a big city situated in (on?)Mars. Last summer, an incredible but real adventure happened to me. So let’s talk about it.
Like I said(souvent entendu mais faux, as I said), last summer, in July, just in the beginning of the vacations, I was using a teleportation machine in order to go to Miami Beach, in(on) the Earth. But unfortunately, I pushed the wrong button, and the machine broke, so instead of arrive(ing) near the sea, I lost my way and accidentally ended up in an extraordinary, unknown city. Everything was calm and silent. The sky was blue, and the sun was shining. There was a splendid grass without any limit, a lot of beautiful flowers everywhere. Everything was just perfect. I lay on the floor, it was truly comfortable. I don’t know how many hours I stayed there, but when I woke up, I was laid (lying)in a bed, in an enormous dormitory. A young man who looked like a doctor said to me “Nice to meet you, Pet. How are you? I hope you did have a good trip.We were waiting for you. Well, this is the(à supprimer) dormitory n°2. All the new inhabitants of the city sleep there. Near the dormitory, there is the Cupola. It’s where all people go to talk, to laugh, and to have fun, of course, because in Pleasantville, you must be happy. It’s our motto and our only rule. Make yourself at home”. At the time, I was totally shocked, I couldn’t understand how he knew my name and the fact that he really seemed to wait for me was a little bit disturbing. I think he noticed it, because he asked me “Something wrong, Pet? », and I just replied « No, no, everything is well(all right), thank you”. Then he let me five minutes to change my clothes and to join him in the Copula. It was a huge, enormous wooden building, and maybe hundreds of people were assembled there. But, strangely, there wasn’t a lot of noise (there was very little noise). The young men who brought me there( in it) presented me some people(to introduce somebody to somebody), and I sat with them. They talked with me, and I was surprised to discover how all clever and very eloquent they all were . Furthermore, they weren’t just intelligent: they were young, beautiful and in good health (apparently…). They seemed to be perfect! When I looked around me, I saw only young people. They were all smiling and laughing and seemed to be incredibly happy. For them, everything was for the best in the best of all possible worlds!!! After I talked to them, my host – Zayn- accompanied me to the Copula and stayed with me a few minutes, and he came back home. Since this day(since ne va pas: from that day forward), I went to the Copula every morning from sunrise to sunset, because it was so pleasant to talk all the day (all dat long)and to drink fruit cocktails all the time. Sometimes, I swam in the amazing swimming-pool inside of the building, at other times, I made(to take part in, to practise, to have) fabulous attractions like roller coaster for example, and I went to the cinema tens(pas de bol! en anglais, on dit dozens of times!) of time to see awesome movies in 9D with a huge and spectacular screen. To sum up, those months were just really incredible for me, it had nothing in common with my life in Fuji. I didn’t have to study, so, I didn’t have to support(faux ami, essayer to cope with , to bear) the stupid and boring students of my high school. I didn’t have to do the housework yet(dans quel sens?)… Yeah, definitely, I really thought that Pleasantville was a perfect city.
But one day, unfortunately, I got sick.I had a fever since few days(temps et conjonction à revoir), which is for me the symptom of influenza. When I said it to Zayn, he took me to the clinic of Pleasantville, which was totally empty.
Bon anglais , texte agréable à lire.



Réponse: Rédaction/ science fiction de toot0, postée le 27-01-2014 à 14:09:02 (S | E)
Merci beaucoup pour votre aide, c'est très gentil à vous d'avoir pris de votre temps pour corriger mon devoir ;)
Puis-je vous envoyer la suite ce soir ?



Réponse: Rédaction/ science fiction de toot0, postée le 27-01-2014 à 21:10:05 (S | E)
Bonsoir, voici mon histoire. Votre aide m'est vraiment cruciale maintenant, car j'ai fini de rédiger mon devoir,donc il ne reste plus qu'à s'occuper de la forme ( le temps presse, je dois avoir tout recopié au propre sur feuille pour demain matin). beaucoup de m'apporter votre aide s'il vous plaît, j'ai besoin d'un en anglais
Bonne soirée !!!!
( la première partie, en bleu, a déjà été corrigée par gerondif, que je remercie de tout coeur !)

Hello, my name is James Peter Bryan Junior number 27. But everybody calls me Pet. I’m 16 years old and I live in Fuji, a big city situated in Mars. Last summer, an incredible but real adventure happened to me. So let’s talk about it.
“As I said, last summer, in July, just in the beginning of the vacations, I was using a teleportation machine in order to go to Miami Beach, on the Earth. But unfortunately, I pushed the wrong button, and the machine broke, so instead of arriving near the sea, I lost my way and accidentally ended up in an extraordinary, unknown city. Everything was calm and silent. The sky was blue, and the sun was shining. There was a splendid grass without any limit, a lot of beautiful flowers everywhere. Everything was just perfect. I was laid on the floor, it was truly comfortable. I don’t know how many hours I stayed there, but when I woke up, I was laid in a bed, in an enormous dormitory. A young man who looked like a doctor said to me “Nice to meet you, Pet. How are you? I hope you did have a good trip. We were waiting for you. Well, this is dormitory n°2. All the new inhabitants of the city sleep there. Near the dormitory, there is the Cupola. It’s where all people go to talk, to laugh, and to have fun, of course, because in Pleasantville, you must be happy. It’s our motto and our only rule. Make yourself at home”. At the time, I was totally shocked, I couldn’t understand how he knew my name and the fact that he really seemed to wait me was a little bit disturbing. I think he noticed it, because he asked me “Something wrong, Pet? », and I just replied « No, no, everything is all right, thank you”. Then he let me five minutes to change my clothes and to join him in the Copula. It was a huge, enormous wooden building, and maybe hundreds of people were assembled there. But, strangely, there was very little noise. The young men who brought me there introduced me some people, and I sat with them. They talked with me, and I was surprised to discover how all clever and very eloquent they all were. Furthermore, they weren’t just intelligent: they were young, beautiful and in good health (apparently…). They seemed to be perfect! When I looked around me, I saw only young people. They were all smiling and laughing and seemed to be incredibly happy. For them, everything was for the best in the best of all possible worlds!!! After I talked to them, my host – Zayn- accompanied me to the Copula and stayed with me a few minutes, and he came back home. From that day forward, I went to the Copula every morning from sunrise to sunset, because it was so pleasant to talk all day long and to drink fruit cocktails all the time. Sometimes, I swam in the amazing swimming-pool inside of the building, at other times, I took part in fabulous attractions like roller coaster for example, and I went to the cinema dozens of times to see awesome movies in 9D with a huge and spectacular screen. To sum up, those months were just really incredible for me; it had nothing in common with my life in Fuji. I didn’t have to study, so, I didn’t have to bear the stupid and boring students of my high school. I didn’t have to do the housework… Yeah, definitely, I really thought that Pleasantville was a perfect city.
But one day, unfortunately, I got sick. I had a fever during few days, which is for me the symptom of influenza. When I said it to Zayn, he took me to the clinic of Pleasantville, which was totally empty, there was nobody inside.


Luckily, I have been taken in care by a young doctor. He gave me some medications, and he let me relax in my room. However, I have been awaked in the middle of the night by a horrible nightmare: a dirty man, in rags, apparently leper, with shaggy hair and a broken voice was screamed my name. Then, I realized that it was not a nightmare at all. This man was REALLY screaming my name. So I blenched, I was so afraid... But he tried to reassure me with those words: “Pet, we know who you are. For centuries, the plebeians of Unpleasantville were waiting you. For centuries, we have suffered. Anyway, you are here now. Don’t be afraid, everything will be all right”. I replied “What is happening? And... What are you speaking about sir? I don’t understand anything... I need some explanations... Can you enlighten me please? I am totally lost…” He answered back “ Err… it’s a long story, I do not know where to begin with… uh… three centuries ago, it was truly agreeable to live in Pleasantville, there wasn’t any problem. But one day, a man from the Earth – called “George O.” came in and established a totalitarian regime based on spying of the citizens, and everyone was obligated to insert an electronic chip under its skin. It was been done with us being forced to live in a big brother society where the leader knows everything about us. A lot of people rebelled against him, of course. But thanks to the electronic chips, he succeeded to control them. He created a subterraneous city under Pleasantville, and he named it Unpleasantville. He maintained all the rebels in this underground city thanks to an ingenious informatics system: if an inhabitant of Unpleasantville leave the city, his electronic chip will electrocute him or her in the quarter of an hour. That’s why nobody tries to escape. It’s deathful. What you must know is that in Unpleasantville, we live in shantytowns, we lack basic public services such as electricity, water and sanitation services, whereas in Pleasantville, like you’ve seen, people have a luxurious way of life, they only want to have fun and to enjoy their life to the optimum. It’s totally unfair. We did everything in our power to stop this injustice; but we are in neutral. That’s why we hacked your teleportation machine to make you travel in the space and come here in order to help us. Your mission, should you accept it, is to leave discreetly your hospital room and to go to the Copula, and to make bug the system who controls the electronic chips. It’s not really difficult: you just have to typing your birth date and your family name on the digicode entry system of the Copula. You are the only person that can help us, because we can survive only one quarter of an hour outside of Unpleasantville. Please, Pet, do it for us.”It was his lasts words; he dropped dead immediately at my foot. I was shocked to learn this story. But I understood than I must end up this frightfulness and sordid fact. So I hurried out of my room and I went to the Copula. Then, I type on the digicode door system “2998/BRYAN”. And the device explosed. Instantly, when I opened my eyes again, I realized that I was in Miami Beach. I know, you want to know what happened to Pleasantville, Unpleasantville and their inhabitants. But, as you, I absolutely ignore what happened. And I ignore how Zayn and the leper man knew my name yet, and why Zayn did anything to prevent me to act, too. I just hope that, now, for them, everything in for the best in the best of all possible worlds…

THE END

-------------------
Modifié par toot0 le 27-01-2014 21:24

-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 27-01-2014 22:37



Réponse: Rédaction/ science fiction de gerondif, postée le 27-01-2014 à 22:12:07 (S | E)
Bonsoir,
vous n'avez pas tout corrigé............. et vous vous y prenez quand même tard !Mais bon, c'est pour George Orwell et "Thin Lucile is watching you !!"
(je n'ose pas aller jusqu'à "Big sister is watching you!")
Si vous avez vraiment 15 ans, c'est du bon travail !

Hello, my name is James Peter Bryan Junior number 27. But everybody calls me Pet. I’m 16 years old and I live in Fuji, a big city situated in Mars. Last summer, an incredible but real adventure happened to me. So let’s talk about it.
“As I said, last summer, in July, just in the beginning of the vacations(holidays), I was using a teleportation machine in order to go to Miami Beach, on the Earth. But unfortunately, I pushed the wrong button, and the machine broke, so instead of arriving near the sea, I lost my way and accidentally ended up in an extraordinary, unknown city. Everything was calm and silent. The sky was blue, and the sun was shining. There was a splendid grass(lawn) without any limit, a lot of beautiful flowers everywhere. Everything was just perfect. I was laid(lying) on the floor, it was truly comfortable. I don’t know how many hours I stayed there, but when I woke up, I was laid (lying)in a bed, in an enormous dormitory. A young man who looked like a doctor said to me “Nice to meet you, Pet. How are you? I hope you did have a good trip. We were waiting for you. Well, this is dormitory n°2. All the new inhabitants of the city sleep there(here). Near the dormitory, there is the Cupola. It’s where all people go to talk, to laugh, and to have fun, of course, because in Pleasantville, you must be happy. It’s our motto and our only rule. Make yourself at home”. At the time, I was totally shocked, I couldn’t understand how he knew my name and the fact that he really seemed to wait for me was a little bit disturbing. I think he noticed it, because he asked me “Something wrong, Pet? », and I just replied « No, no, everything is all right, thank you”. Then he let(gave ou left) me five minutes to change my clothes and to join him in the Copula. It was a huge, enormous wooden building, and maybe hundreds of people were assembled there. But, strangely, there was very little noise. The young men who brought me there introduced me to some people, and I sat with them. They talked with me, and I was surprised to discover how all clever and very eloquent they all were. Furthermore, they weren’t just intelligent: they were young, beautiful and in good health (apparently…). They seemed to be perfect! When I looked around me, I saw only young people. They were all smiling and laughing and seemed to be incredibly happy. For them, everything was for the best in the best of all possible worlds!!! After I talked to them, my host – Zayn- accompanied me to the Copula and stayed with me a few minutes, and he came back home. From that day forward, I went to the Copula every morning from sunrise to sunset, because it was so pleasant to talk all day long and to drink fruit cocktails all the time. Sometimes, I swam in the amazing swimming-pool inside of the building, at other times, I took part in fabulous attractions like roller coaster for example, and I went to the cinema dozens of times to see awesome movies in 9D with(on) a huge and spectacular screen. To sum up, those months were just really incredible for me; it had nothing in common with my life in Fuji. I didn’t have to study, so, I didn’t have to bear the stupid and boring students of my high school. I didn’t have to do the housework(le ménage? ou homework,les devoirs)… Yeah, definitely, I really thought that Pleasantville was a perfect city.
But one day, unfortunately, I got sick. I had a fever during(for a few days) few days, which is for me the symptom of influenza. When I said it to Zayn, he took me to the clinic of Pleasantville, which was totally empty, there was nobody inside.





Réponse: Rédaction/ science fiction de gerondif, postée le 27-01-2014 à 22:21:48 (S | E)
suite,
Luckily, I have been (I was taken care of)taken in care by a young doctor. He gave me some medications(some medicine), and he let me relax in my room. However, I have been (was)awaked(verbe irrégulier) in the middle of the night by a horrible nightmare: a dirty man, in rags, apparently a leper, with shaggy hair and a broken voice was screamed(ing!!) my name. Then, I realized that it was not a nightmare at all. This man was REALLY screaming my name. So I blenched, I was so afraid... But he tried to reassure me with those words: “Pet, we know who you are. For centuries, the plebeians of Unpleasantville werehave been( à cause du depuis) waiting FOR you. For centuries, we have suffered. Anyway, you are here now. Don’t be afraid, everything will be all right”. I replied “What is happening? And... What are you speaking about sir? I don’t understand anything... I need some explanations... Can you enlighten me please? I am totally lost…” He answered back “ Err… it’s a long story, I do not know where to begin with… uh… three centuries ago, it was truly agreeable to live in Pleasantville, there wasn’t any problem. But one day, a man from the Earth – called “George O.” came in and established a totalitarian regime based on spying of the citizens, and everyone was obligated to (had to)insert an electronic chip under its(his) skin. It was been done with us being forced to live in a big brother society where the leader knows everything about us. A lot of people rebelled against him, of course. But thanks to the electronic chips, he succeeded (in + ing)to control them. He created a subterraneous city under Pleasantville, and he named it Unpleasantville. He maintained all the rebels in this underground city thanks to an ingenious informatics system: if an inhabitant of Unpleasantville leave(le S) the city, his electronic chip will electrocute him or her in the next quarter of an hour. That’s why nobody tries to escape. It’s deathful. What you must know is that in Unpleasantville, we live in shantytowns, we lack basic public services such as electricity, water and sanitation services, whereas in Pleasantville, like(AS) you’ve seen, people have a luxurious way of life, they only want to have fun and to enjoy their life(pluriel) to the optimum. It’s totally unfair. We did everything in our power to stop this injustice; but we are in neutral(???). That’s why we hacked your teleportation machine to make you travel in the space and come here in order to help us. Your mission, should you accept it, is to leave discreetly your hospital room and to go to the Copula, and to make the system who controls the electronic chips bug. It’s not really difficult: you just have to typing(infinitif) your birth date and your family name on the digicode entry system of the Copula. You are the only person that can help us, because we can survive only one quarter of an hour outside of Unpleasantville. Please, Pet, do it for us.”It was (pluriel)his lasts words; he immediately dropped dead at my foot. I was shocked to learn this story. But I understood than I must end up this frightfulness and sordid fact. So I hurried out of my room and I went to the Copula. Then, I typed on the digicode door system “2998/BRYAN”. And the device explosed. Instantly, when I opened my eyes again, I realized that I was in Miami Beach. I know, you want to know what happened to Pleasantville, Unpleasantville and their inhabitants. But, as you, I absolutely ignore what happened. And I ignore how Zayn and the leper man knew my name yet, and why Zayn did anything to prevent me(empêcher de to prevent somebody from doing something) to act, too. I just hope that, now, for them, everything in for the best in the best of all possible worlds…



Réponse: Rédaction/ science fiction de toot0, postée le 27-01-2014 à 22:35:16 (S | E)
Merci beaucoup !!



Réponse: Rédaction/ science fiction de lucile83, postée le 27-01-2014 à 22:37:03 (S | E)
Hey gerondif...Thin Lucile is watching you ...yes,she is. Anyway, Big sister ne m'irait pas au teint
Too much pink too I changed into blue.
You made me laugh a lot, thx!




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