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Correction/expression écrite

Cours gratuits > Forum > Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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Correction/expression écrite
Message de dadoush35 posté le 08-06-2014 à 15:44:53 (S | E | F)
Bonjour !
J'ai fait une expression écrite, pouvez-vous m'aider, s'il vous plait, en m'indiquant s'il y a des erreurs de vocabulaire ou de grammaire ?
Merci de votre aide

I will introduce the notion of places and forms of powers. Power can be understood as the ability to exerce a control on someone or on a group of people in order to be sure about how they act. There are many forms of power like military power, financial power, authoritarian power... But we will focus on the cultural power, and I will link this notion with the sequence : “Immigration from India to the UK”
We will see why can we say culture and religion can prevent liberty ?
I will use three documents : - an extract from the movie Just a Kiss
- a text :
- an interview (listenning) from Raj
In the first part, we will talk about the traditions in India, especially the arranged marriages, and then I will show that they can privent liberty.

I – The traditions in India
The culture and the religion from the origin country stay when the migrants live in a new country with another culture. Sometimes it could be difficult because there are things which are really different like the clothes or the religion for example. India is identified as the birthplace of Hinduism and Buddhism. A huge majority — 84 percent — of the population identifies as Hindu. There are many variations of Hinduism. About 13 percent of Indians are Muslim, making it one of the largest Islamic nations in the world. The religion impose them to have an arranged marriages and the girls get usually married when they are 16/17 yo. For arranged marriages, couples enter marriage without expecting to much. I'll take an example throught a document : the text Arranged marriages … and how to avoid them, from Indrani Nag-Chaudhury. It explains the progress of this kind of marriage and a bit the tradition of India. She explains that the woman's parent chose a husband (or vice versa). When she have to meet the future husband, she has to look pretty wearing a sari, but she say that she's also pretty. She explains that when she meet this man, he talked about himself : his career, his family... She explains that she's not really herself during this moment because she has to look perfect for the man. Then, the family come to the girl's home and she can sing, prepare some sweetmeats for them to eat to show her qualities.Nowadays, it's more important in the country because there is a special column in the newpaper for indian marriage with ads.

II – The culture and the religion can privent liberty.
The culture can private liberty. We will see that throught two documents. First, I've chosen an extract from the movie “Brick Lane” from Monica Ali. It's the moment when they are on trip in Spain, an the scene after. Casim, an Indian man has met Roisin but he hides his relation because it's an Irish girl. During this trip, they had a lovely time. Roisin was confident. But all of the sudden he broke the nrws about his future arranged marriage with an Indian woman. He is not ready to cope with this situation. He is torn between : the indian culture (his family's traditional values, his respect for his parents, his mother's love) and the english culture (his love for Roisin, the English educational background). He would like to feel free to make his own choice. He decided to cancel his wedding. The second document is an interview from Raj, an indian woman. She was 16 and she was at home to prepare her exam because she had left school. Her father arranged her marriage. He looked around his friend and his relatives. The father looked two men and he chose the one who was better educated because he prefered the social background to the money. The one who was chosen didn't want to get married, and when he came to meet her, he was badly dressed to be refused. But Raj accepted and they talked for 4-5 minutes : “I left it (the decision) to my father”.
So the decision is not take by the person concerned but by his parents, so they are not free. They can't get married with the person who they love. It's not a love marriage.

To conclude, the culture and the religion have a big power. They can't private people to be free and happy. The indian traditions show that's it's really diffent in Europe for example.

Personal document :
This article talks about a girl. She was 18 when her family send her to another family in Pakistan, for holidays. She wanted to be police officer but since these holidays, everything change.

-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 08-06-2014 16:05


Réponse: Correction/expression écrite de here4u, postée le 09-06-2014 à 12:36:37 (S | E)
Hello !

I'll start ... (but I have a lot on my plate today ...)
blue = error or horror !
green = suggestion.
XXXX = missing elements

I will introduce the notion of places and forms of powers. Power can be understood as the ability to exerce(to apply pressure ?) a control on someone or on a group of people in order to be sure about how they act. There are many forms of power like military power, financial power, authoritarian power... But we will focus on (the) cultural power, and I will link this notion with the sequence : “Immigration from India to the UK”
We will see why can we say(word order)that culture and religion can prevent(boff ... voc) liberty ?
I will use three documents : - an extract from the movie Just a Kiss
- a text :
- an interview (listenning) from Raj
In the first part, we will talk about (the) traditions in India, especially the arranged marriages, and then I will show that they can privent liberty.

I – The traditions in India
For migrants, The culture and the religion from the origin country(their country of origin) stay when they migrants live in a new country with another culture. Sometimes it could(might ? or can ...) be difficult because there are things which are really different like the clothes or the religion for example. India is identified as the birthplace of Hinduism and Buddhism. A huge majority — 84 percent — of the population identifies as Hindu. There are many variations of Hinduism. About 13 percent of Indians are Muslim, making it one of the largest Islamic nations in the world. Their religion impose(forces ?) them to have an arranged marriages and the girls get usually married when they are 16/17 yo. For arranged marriages, couples enter marriage without expecting toO much. I'll take an example throughtfrom a document : the text 'Arranged marriages … and how to avoid them', from Indrani Nag-Chaudhury. It explains the progress of this kind of marriageS and a bit(boff ...) the tradition of India. She(The writer) explains that the young woman or young man's parentS chose a husband/or wife (or vice versa). When she have(GRRRR ...) to meet the future husband, she has to look pretty wearing a sari, but she sayS that she's also pretty.(not clear ...) She explains that when she meetX this man, he talked(attention au mélange des temps !Le passé de narration éviterait les oublis de -S à la 3è pers du présent !)) about himself : his career, his family... She explains that she's not really herself during this moment because she has to look perfect for the man. Then, the family come to the girl's home and she can sing, prepare some sweetmeats for them to eat to show her qualities.Nowadays, it's more important in the country because there is a special column in the newpaperS for Indian marriageS with ads.

There's work for you here ... I'll try to go on later ...





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