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Correction histoire/Calcutta

Cours gratuits > Forum > Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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Correction histoire/Calcutta
Message de clara38 posté le 03-02-2015 à 22:23:57 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
J'écris sur ce forum car j'aurais besoin de quelqu'un pour corriger une histoire courte que j'ai écrite en anglais. Il s'agit d'un travail à rendre (650 mots max), j'aimerais donc qu'il soit le plus parfait possible. C'est pour cela que si vous voyez des fautes, des tournures de phrases ou des expressions à corriger n'hésitez pas à me le signaler. Il est d'ailleurs fortement possible qu'il y ait beaucoup de choses à corriger ...
Merci d'avance à ceux qui prendront le temps de me corriger !
Voici mon histoire :

SHORT STORY
23rd of January, this morning I wake up with a start. I was sleeping in front of a little restaurant in a disreputable neighborhood of my city, Calcutta. It was calm and I was dreaming about a warm dish when suddenly an employee threw dishwater on me. The smell and the cold hit me. He ordered me to leave and the sound of his voice made my blood run cold. I felt the threat, so I ran., as fast as possible. I know what they do to people like me, it's my everydaylife, me, Sanjita 11 years old approximately. Where are my parents ? I don't know, as far as I remember I never knew them, the only thing that I know is that it's a burden to have a girl in my country, so they probably abandoned me when I was born. It's an old woman who took care of me during my childhood, she learned me how to survive in the streets of Calcutta. She told me to cut my hair and dress me like a boy, in fact it was the better way to stay alive. From this moment I wasn't Sanjita anymore, everybody knew me as Sanjit. The old woman died because of the dengue 3 years ago, leaving me alone. But until today I succeed to survive, mainly thanks to the restaurant's bins. They throw a lot of almost still eatable food. It's why, after the employee threatened me I had to find an other place. So I started to search. I was walking in the street, it was market day, illegal sellers were trying to sell counterfeit articles, thiefs were looking for purse to steal, when suddenly a weird man caught my arm and asked me where my parents was, I didn't answer and I tried to escape but he was stronger than me. When he said to me “You're an orphan, aren't you ?” I understood immediately, it was the kind of guy who force ophan children to go begging or prostitute themselves, who torture and cripple to make them more pitiful and earn more money, precisely the kind of guy that I avoided all my life. I knew that screaming was useless but it was my last chance to escape a terrible fate, so, in a surge of hope I screamed. Of course no one helped me, a woman looked in my direction, she had a little boy in her arms but I read the fear in her eyes and I understood she will not do anything for me. The man hit me behind the head, the pain engulfed me, the world started to spin and I lost consciousness. Few minutes or maybe few hours later I woke up, in the worst place I ever seen, everywhere children were crying, they were about thirty and many of them looked sick and starving. Two men were next to me, the first one touched my cheek and said that he had something for me, when I saw the pink dress I realized that he knew that I wasn't a boy but a girl. It was terrible, what he will do to me ? The other one was fixing me with a creepy look, he seemed quite rich like men that I see sometimes on the newspaper. He said to the first man, “I'm searching a young wife, what price for this girl ?”, at this moment I understood that he wanted to buy me and marry me. I was terrified, but then I reflected on my situation, living in the street and dying because of a disease or be married to an older and dreadful man. There were my only two possibilities, what is the best ? I don't know. It's why, this night I decided to don't do anything and wait. Who knows, maybe tomorrow will be better …

-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 03-02-2015 23:16
Le mot 'parfait' n'admet pas de superlatif.


Réponse: Correction histoire/Calcutta de lucile83, postée le 07-02-2015 à 14:56:47 (S | E)
Anyone?



Réponse: Correction histoire/Calcutta de sherry48, postée le 07-02-2015 à 18:11:22 (S | E)
Hello. Here are a few things to take another look at; it's a beginning. Try to avoid long sentences with many phrases.

23rd of January This morning I wake (past?) up with a start. I was sleeping (past perfect?)in front of a little restaurant in a disreputable neighborhood of my city, Calcutta. It was calm and I was dreaming about a warm dish when suddenly an employee threw dishwater on me. The smell and the cold hit me. He ordered me to leave and the sound of his voice made my blood run cold. I felt the threat, (you could use a verb form)so I ran as fast as possible. I know what they do to people like me. It's my everyday life, me, Sanjita 11 years old approximately. (You could probably improve this last sentence).Where are my parents ? I don't know; as far as I (can) remember I never knew them. The only thing that I know is that it's a burden to have a girl in my country, so they probably abandoned me when I was born. It's An old woman who took care of me during my childhood. She learned me how to survive in the streets of Calcutta. She told me to cut my hair and dress me like a boy, in fact it was the better(Use superlative) way to stay alive. From this moment I wasn't Sanjita anymore, everybody knew me as Sanjit. The old woman died because of the dengue 3 years ago, leaving me alone. But until today I succeed to survive, mainly thanks to the restaurant's bins. They throw ___ a lot of almost still eatable food. It's why, after the employee threatened me I had to find an other place. So I started to search. I was walking in the street, it was market day, illegal sellers were trying to sell counterfeit articles, thiefs were looking for purse (singular or plural?) to steal, when suddenly a weird/strange man caught my arm and asked me where my parents was, I didn't answer and I tried to escape but he was stronger than me. When he said to me “You're an orphan, aren't you ?” I understood immediately, it was the kind of guy who force orphan children to go begging or prostitute themselves, who torture_ and cripple_ __ to make them more pitiful and earn more money, precisely the kind of guy that I __ avoided all my life. I knew that screaming was useless but it was my last chance to escape a terrible fate, so, in a surge of hope I screamed. Of course no one helped me, a woman looked in my direction, she had a little boy in her arms but I read the fear in her eyes and I understood she will not do anything for me. The man hit me behind the head, the pain engulfed me, the world started to spin and I lost consciousness. __ few minutes or maybe __ few hours later I woke up, in the worst place I ____ever seen. Everywhere children were crying, they were about thirty and many of them looked sick and starving. Two men were next to me, the first one touched my cheek and said that he had something for me, when I saw the pink dress I realized that he knew that I wasn't a boy but a girl. It was terrible, what he will do to me ? The other one was fixing me with a creepy look, he seemed quite rich like men that I see sometimes on the newspaper. He said to the first man, “I'm searching __a young wife, what price for this girl ?” At this moment I understood that he wanted to buy me and marry me. I was terrified, but then I reflected on my situation, living in the street and dying (because) of a disease or be married to an older and dreadful man. There were my only two possibilities, what/which is the best ? (Two possibilities-use comparative) I don't know. It's why, tonight I decided to don't do anything and wait. Who knows, maybe tomorrow will be better …
Sherry




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