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besoin d'aide pour ma lettre
Message de oliv_64 posté le 17-03-2007 à 12:36:38 (S | E | F | I)
Hello everybody!
J'aurais besoin d'un petit coup de main pour une lettre que je dois envoyer à un employeur potentiel...
Je me suis débrouillé du mieux que j'ai pu ; c'est pourquoi je ne vous demande pas de la traduire, mais seulement de la lire et me dire si cela vous semble correct...
Merci d'avance à tous!
La voici:
Working for a company such as yours would be for me an honor and a real challenge, that is why I am eager to apply for a position in Pride.
Motivation, rigour and eagerness are three qualities which enable me to advance and forge myself an interesting experiment in industrial circle. Moving back in front of no obstacle, I feel ready to take up this new challenge that you propose and put at your service all my competences and knowledge in order to fill this task as well.
I can also say that broadmindedness and human relationships are undeniable assets for this kind of position and that is why I evolved to the job of supervisor in Finorga with a variable manpower from 3 to 7 collaborators under my responsibility. I possess a wide range of skills, which I outline in my enclosed CV.
Moreover, I am willing to move me on foreign sites, that is an additional source of motivation because it gives me opportunity to meet new skilled individuals with different working methods and could make me use my English professionally, which seems to me completely enriching.
Thank you for your time and your consideration. I hope to hear from you soon and I am fully prepared to be available for an interview at your convenience.
Message de oliv_64 posté le 17-03-2007 à 12:36:38 (S | E | F | I)
Hello everybody!
J'aurais besoin d'un petit coup de main pour une lettre que je dois envoyer à un employeur potentiel...
Je me suis débrouillé du mieux que j'ai pu ; c'est pourquoi je ne vous demande pas de la traduire, mais seulement de la lire et me dire si cela vous semble correct...
Merci d'avance à tous!
La voici:
Working for a company such as yours would be for me an honor and a real challenge, that is why I am eager to apply for a position in Pride.
Motivation, rigour and eagerness are three qualities which enable me to advance and forge myself an interesting experiment in industrial circle. Moving back in front of no obstacle, I feel ready to take up this new challenge that you propose and put at your service all my competences and knowledge in order to fill this task as well.
I can also say that broadmindedness and human relationships are undeniable assets for this kind of position and that is why I evolved to the job of supervisor in Finorga with a variable manpower from 3 to 7 collaborators under my responsibility. I possess a wide range of skills, which I outline in my enclosed CV.
Moreover, I am willing to move me on foreign sites, that is an additional source of motivation because it gives me opportunity to meet new skilled individuals with different working methods and could make me use my English professionally, which seems to me completely enriching.
Thank you for your time and your consideration. I hope to hear from you soon and I am fully prepared to be available for an interview at your convenience.
Réponse: besoin d'aide pour ma lettre de milou3, postée le 17-03-2007 à 20:46:18 (S | E)
I think that's good.Réponse: besoin d'aide pour ma lettre de marlond, postée le 17-03-2007 à 21:01:48 (S | E)
I agree, it's good - but there are a couple of mistakes and I've made a few suggestions of where it could be improved
Working for a company such as yours would be for me an honor and a real challenge, that is why I am eager to apply for a position in Pride.
-‘honor’ is the American spelling – if it’s a British company, spell it the British way: ‘honour’
-‘that is why…’ – should be ‘which is why…’ – I know that ‘that’/’which’ are often interchangeable, but here they’re not, really.
Motivation, rigour and eagerness are three qualities which enable me to advance and forge myself an interesting experiment in industrial circle.
-‘rigour’ – inconsistency in spelling from ‘honor’ – either ‘honor’/’rigor’(US) OR ‘honour’/’rigour’(UK) – don’t mix the two
-a better three ‘qualities’ would be: ‘motivation, determination and an eye for detail are three qualities..’, though there’s nothing really wrong with yours.
Moving back in front of no obstacle, I feel ready to take up this new challenge that you propose and put at your service all my competences and knowledge in order to fill this task as well.
-‘moving back in front of no obstacle’??? – what does this mean?
-‘competences’ – better: ‘skills’
‘and put at your service all my competences and knowledge in order to…’ – better English word order: ‘and put all of my skills and knowledge at your service in order to…’
I can also say that broadmindedness and human relationships are undeniable assets for this kind of position and that is why I evolved to the job of supervisor in Finorga with a variable manpower from 3 to 7 collaborators under my responsibility.
-‘broadmindedness’ is a bit of a strange word – ‘being open minded’ or ‘being broad minded’ would be better.
-‘human relationships’ – also a little strangely worded – ‘an ability to work with people’ or ‘teamwork’ or ‘strong inter-personal skills’
-‘undeniable’? – better: ‘invaluable’
-‘evolved’ – wrong word – ‘rose’ (from ‘to rise’) is better
‘variable manpower from 3 to 7’ – ‘variable’ here makes it sound like they were of ‘variable quality’ – you mean ‘varying’ – and replace ‘from’ with ‘of’
I possess a wide range of skills, which I outline in my enclosed CV.
Moreover, I am willing to move me on foreign sites, that is an additional source of motivation because it gives me opportunity to meet new skilled individuals with different working methods and WOULD make me use my English professionally, which seems to me completely enriching.
-‘move onTO foreign sites’ or just ‘move TO foreign sites’
-‘that is an additional…’ – should be ‘which is an additional…’
-‘which seems to me completely enriching’ – better: ‘which would be an enriching experience’
Thank you for your time and your consideration. I hope to hear from you soon and I am fully prepared to be available for an interview at your convenience.
Réponse: besoin d'aide pour ma lettre de oliv_64, postée le 18-03-2007 à 13:11:01 (S | E)
thank you for your help i'm relly pleased to meet you and i look seriously after your suggestions.
see you soon
bye.
this my new letter
Working for a company such as yours would be an honour and a real challenge which is why i am eager to apply for a position with Pride.
motivation, determination and an eye for detail are three qualities which enable me to advance and forge myself an interesting experiment in industrial circle.
Moving back in front of no obstacle, i feel ready to take up this new challenge and put all of my skills and knowledge at your service in order to fill this task as well.
I can also say that being broad minded and having strong interpersonnal skills are invaluable assets for this kind of position and that is why i rose to the job of supervisor in finorga with a varying manpower of 3 to 7 collaborators under my responsability.
I possess a wide range of skills, which I outline in my enclosed CV.
Moreover, I am willing to move on foreign sites, which is an additional source of motivation because it gives me opportunity to meet new skilled individuals with different working methods and would make me use my English professionally, which would be an enriching experience.
Thank you for your time and your consideration. I hope to hear from you soon and I am fully prepared to be available for an interview at your convenience.
Réponse: besoin d'aide pour ma lettre de oliv_64, postée le 18-03-2007 à 13:18:35 (S | E)
sorry i made a mistake:
(moving back in front of no obstacle)i mean i never go back in front of problems...
but i don't know how to say it, could you help me once more?
thank you
bye
Réponse: besoin d'aide pour ma lettre de milou3, postée le 18-03-2007 à 19:19:54 (S | E)
Now, that's better!
Réponse: besoin d'aide pour ma lettre de marlond, postée le 18-03-2007 à 20:33:37 (S | E)
A few notes and corrections I didn't spot last time/haven't been corrected:
-make sure you capitalise 'I' always, when it's on its own, and obviously capitalise the beginnings of sentences
- "...forge myself an interesting experiment in industrial circleS."
-"...in order to FULFIL this task as well."
-note the spelling of 'inter-personal' - only one 'n', but the dash (-) is optional. Also, it's responsIbility and not responsAbility - this is one that lots of English people get wrong and I didn't spot it the first time...
-..."I am willing to move onTO/TO foreign sites"
"I never go back in front of problems" I'm still not sure what you mean by this - do you mean that you are prepared to tackle problems face on and don't vanish when a problem comes up or shy away from problems? If you do, say something like: "I never back away from problems, in fact, I do my utmost to resolve them." - If not, translate into French and I'll have another look.
Good luck
INDISPENSABLES : 