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Aide urgente /oral à corriger
Message de tom5757 posté le 23-05-2007 à 16:56:19 (S | E | F | I)
Bonjour,
J'ai un oral d'anglais en BTS, J'aimerais bien quelqu'un me corrige.
Merci d'avance
My name is Cindy M........., I am 24 years old, I lives in Metz in France. I work in a company which takes charge with collecting to sort out and to value waste on Metz and which is called XXXX. I work in this company for four years as assistant of exploitation and I take charge of the exploitation of the waste of equipment electric and electronic as gas cookers, refrigerator, which consists in dismantling them to value them.
I did my training course with the cned which is a national center of distance teaching during two years. During these two years, I owed made a training of 16 weeks in company, my project of training concerned the marketing of a new product "La boîte à papier"in French "The box with paper " is a cardboard box which serves for getting back the paper of offices of companies.
During my training, I set up a campaign of phone prospecting to obtain meetings at professionals, and then I went to the meeting. I also set up all the administrative documents necessary for this activity. But my phone campaign did not work because it is a product difficult to sell because of the competition which offers the same product as us free of charge.
Later, I would like to be commercial and to stay in my company because I like working on it.
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Modifié par bridg le 23-05-2007 17:00
titre
Divers
Message de tom5757 posté le 23-05-2007 à 16:56:19 (S | E | F | I)
Bonjour,
J'ai un oral d'anglais en BTS, J'aimerais bien quelqu'un me corrige.
Merci d'avance
My name is Cindy M........., I am 24 years old, I lives in Metz in France. I work in a company which takes charge with collecting to sort out and to value waste on Metz and which is called XXXX. I work in this company for four years as assistant of exploitation and I take charge of the exploitation of the waste of equipment electric and electronic as gas cookers, refrigerator, which consists in dismantling them to value them.
I did my training course with the cned which is a national center of distance teaching during two years. During these two years, I owed made a training of 16 weeks in company, my project of training concerned the marketing of a new product "La boîte à papier"in French "The box with paper " is a cardboard box which serves for getting back the paper of offices of companies.
During my training, I set up a campaign of phone prospecting to obtain meetings at professionals, and then I went to the meeting. I also set up all the administrative documents necessary for this activity. But my phone campaign did not work because it is a product difficult to sell because of the competition which offers the same product as us free of charge.
Later, I would like to be commercial and to stay in my company because I like working on it.
-------------------
Modifié par bridg le 23-05-2007 17:00
titre
Divers
Réponse: Aide urgente /oral à corriger de frapedur, postée le 23-05-2007 à 17:17:24 (S | E)
Bonjour,
j'ai un niveau correct en anglais, mais étant en troisième, je vais louper énormément de fautes, je ne relèverai donc que celle que je vois et dont je suis sûr...
My name is Cindy M........., I am 24 years old, I lives
in Metz in France. I work in a company which takes charge with collecting to sort out and to value waste on Metz and which is called XXXX. I work in this company for four years as assistant of exploitation and I take charge of the exploitation of the waste of equipment electric and electronic as gas cookers, refrigerator, which consists in dismantling them to value them.I did my training course with the cned which is a national center of distance teaching during two years. During these two years, I owed made a training of 16 weeks in company, my project of training concerned the marketing of a new product "La boîte à papier"in French "The box with paper "
is a cardboard box which serves for getting back the paper of offices of companies.During my training, I set up a campaign of phone prospecting to obtain meetings at professionals, and then I went to the meeting. I also set up all the administrative documents necessary for this activity. But my phone campaign did not
work because it is a product difficult to sell because of the competition which offers the same product as us free of charge.Later, I would like to be commercial and to stay in my company because I like working on it.
1) avec "I" --> le verbe prend un "s" ???
2) Je dirais plutôt "the paperbox"
3) Forme contractée...
4) Personnellement, je mettrais: I like it (working on it est un peu lourd)
Je pense qu'il manque beaucoup de prépositions et beaucoup de phrases sont mal tournées, cependant, je ne peux pas plus t'aider, sous peine de t'induire en erreur, donc je ne préfère pas...
A bientôt!!
Réponse: Aide urgente /oral à corriger de mp27, postée le 23-05-2007 à 17:20:34 (S | E)
Hello!
-- I lives -->pas de “s”
-- I work in (for) a company “called XXXX”. J'ai enlevé le which.... et mis "called XXXX" immediatement après company, plutôt qu'à la fin d'une longue phrase.
Place des mots à réarranger dans ta phrase.
Evite les longues phrases, surtout à l'oral.
-- on Metz --> pas on , mais "in”
-- which takes charge with collecting to sort out and to value waste
Je crois que tu parles de ce qu'on appelle --> a waste management company (dealing with waste and recycling)
-- I work in this company for four years --> le présent en français, mais le present perfect en anglais, et si tu y travailles encore aujourd'hui, mets la forme progressive.... donc, rectifie toi-même.
-- as assistant –- > mettre l'article indéfini devant le nom de la profession.
-- phrase trop longue, donc, coupe et reprends avec “I take charge of....
Je terminerai dès que possible.
Au moins, tu as de quoi t'occuper un peu...
Réponse: Aide urgente /oral à corriger de isausa81, postée le 23-05-2007 à 17:59:01 (S | E)
I live
a company which deals with the collect of ...
I've been working in this company for four years now as an assistant...
and I'm in charge of (je m'occupe, je suis responsable de)
electronic equipment
I set up a phone campaign
it is a difficult product to sell (les adjectifs se placent TJRS dvt le nom)
because I like working with them.
Good luck !
Réponse: Aide urgente /oral à corriger de mp27, postée le 23-05-2007 à 18:33:40 (S | E)
Je viens mettre la suite à ma première partie:
I take charge of the exploitation of .......-->
Tu pourrais dire le tout en 2 phrases
1/- I am in charge of the sector dealing with dismantling electric and electronic equipment (such as ... and ...) .
2/- I have to give an estimate on their treatment, recovery and disposal.
I did my training course.... during 2 years ->
- I did --> I attended / I went
- my training course during two years. --> “a 2 year training course”
- with the cned which is a national center of distance teaching.
“the” national centre “for” ........
During these two years, I owed made a training of 16 weeks in company, my project of training concerned the marketing of a new product "La boîte à papier"in French "The box with paper " is a cardboard box which serves for getting back the paper of offices of companies.
-> Phrase trop longue et compliquée qui peut être recoupée en 3.
1/- I owed made......??? Je pense que tu veux dire:
I had to do (j'ai dû faire)
[work experience] = stage
– donc, un stage de 16 semaines..... = "a 16 week work experience" with a company.
2/Phrase suivante:
- to consist in + V+ing
- ...a new product called “La boîte à papier”.
3/Phrase suivante: (non, pas "box with paper", mais donne brève & claire définition)
- It is a cardboard box to collect office waste paper.
to obtain meetings at professionals
-> je ne suis pas sûre mais je pense que tu veux sans doute dire:
to organize meetings with professionals
- and then I went to the meeting(s). (avec un "s")
But my phone campaign did not work : Unfortunately, my phone campaign....
...and because of the competition which offers the same product as us free of charge.
and because our competitors offered the same product free of charge!!!
Later, -> Later on (plus tard)
...to stay in --> to stay with my company
...because I like working on it--> because I like my job and I like working for the environment.
(to be commercial --> je ne vois pas le sens, et je pense que tu peux l'omettre)
Réponse: Aide urgente /oral à corriger de tom5757, postée le 23-05-2007 à 22:20:43 (S | E)
Voilà mon texte après corrections, en espérant que ce soit presque bon.
My name is Cindy M........., I am 24 years old, I live in Metz in France.
I work for a company called XXXX. It’s a waste management company, dealing with waste and recycling. I've been working in this company for four years now as an assistant of exploitation.
I am in charge of the sector dealing with dismantling electric and electronic equipment. I have to give an estimate on their treatment, recovery and disposal.
I attended a 2 years training course with the cned which is a national center of distance teaching.
During these two years, I had to do a 16 week work experience with a company. My project consisted in marketing a new product called “La boîte à papier”. It is a cardboard box to collect office waste paper.
During my training, I set up a phone campaign prospecting to organize meetings with professionals, and then I went to the meetings. I also set up all the administrative documents necessary for this activity.
Unfortunately, my phone campaign didn’t work and because our competitors offered the same product free of charge.
Later on, I would like to be commercial and to stay in my company because because I like my job and I like working for the environment.
Réponse: Aide urgente /oral à corriger de mp27, postée le 23-05-2007 à 23:22:50 (S | E)
Hello again!
Oui, ton texte est maintenant très bon.
Je ne vais toucher qu'à de petits détails et ajouter quelques petites améliorations ici et là.
I am 24 years old, I live in Metz in France.
---> I am 24 years old. I am French and I live in Metz.
as an [assistant of exploitation].
---> Le job équivalent en anglais, c'est "technical assistant".
(je n'avais pas pensé à te le dire.)
in charge of the sector dealing with
---> Ici, il s'agit de "section", plus que de "sector", donc, rectifie.
national center
---> centre (center, anglais US -- centre, anglais UK)
My project consisted in marketing a new product ......
---> Excuse-moi, mais finalement, je me rends compte qu'il faudrait plutôt "of" dans ta phrase.
a phone campaign prospecting --> Attention: il s'agit d'une "campaign".
---> Ce mot doit être le dernier (donc, mettre d'abord: phone prospecting...)
I went to the meetings. au lieu de "to go to", tu pourrais utiliser le verbe "to attend". (idée d'être présent et d'assister aux réunions)
---> I attended the meetings.
I also set up all the administrative documents.
---> Ici, "to produce" serait plus approprié (I also "produced" all.......)
Unfortunately, my phone campaign didn’t work...
Suggestion: Pour que cela ne semble pas trop négatif, je te suggère:
---> Unfortunately, my phone campaign "did not make much progress", because ....... (pas: "and because" -- le "and" est superflu)
Dernière phrase. Je ne comprends toujours pas ce que tu veux dire par "to be commercial".
Suggestion: to become a business (representative? manager? - à toi de voir) -- 2 courtes phrases.
---> I like my job, but I would like to become a business representative / a business manager in the same company.
---> I really like my company, because I like to work for the environment.
Bon anglais, phrases plus courtes, donc, plus abordables...
Te voilà bien mieux prête à attaquer l'oral, pleine de confiance!
Bonne chance!
INDISPENSABLES : 