Comme des milliers de personnes, recevez gratuitement chaque semaine Lettre de motivation/ corrections (1)
<< Thèmes généraux, jeux, chansons || En bas
Lettre de motivation/ corrections
Message de titou71580 posté le 22-09-2008 à 16:45:51 (S | E | F)
Bonjour.
Est ce qu'une personne aurait la bonté de lire ma lettre et de me dire si des phrase son incompréhensible s'il vous plaît??????!!
My mother name’s Maryline, she is nanny since 1988. Since four years, she take care of three children’s, its brother and sisters. There are Amelie aged 9 years, Johanna aged 6 years and Jeremy aged 4 years. They are all days of the week at home. My father Michel have an enterprise of locksmith, he is a lot of work. I very like my family.
For talk of me, I am feminine, calm and nature lover I think I am kind and warm-hearted, I am a young girl who likes taking care and dynamic. I am open-minded and friendly, sociable the family for special occasions and I really enjoy spending of time my in family. I like to do a lot of things and enjoy life as much as possible ! I very like travel, I went to go to Roma in Italia with my sisters, in the mountain Switzerland and in Tunisia with my parents. Since five years, I am member of an association named “Foyer Rural” who organize different event like lotteries, meals dance, of expositions (painting, photograph) carnival… I like listen to the soft music, to go internet. Moreover, I like to go for a walk in the country and mountain with my sisters and to go to visit of ancient monument. I like to go out with my friends. I know I am not flawless, as I can be a little bit shy and afraid of the unknown sometimes but I am really ready for adventure! I finished a school one year ago since I work. I have work a supermarket and in several factories but I would like to make training in the tourism but for the moment, I think I don't have good level in English to succeed.
Since the age of 16 years, I take care of children's. During 3 years I have been taking care of Chloe during the vacations and for a while weekend. Since I work, I take care of Chloe when I am free and what these parents need me. She is only girl, she is calm, she likes to play with doll, to read, to draw and we play with her dog. When I prepare to eat, she always wants to help me. Often afternoon she invites her friend Clara and I make pancakes.
Moreover, since 2 years, I have been taking care occasional of my cousins named Thomas and Samuel aged of 9 years and 8 years. I am responsible for feeding them and I play with them. They like soccer and cartoon.
In my association that is called “Foyer Rural”, I am in charge of the child section. With other members of my association, I take care of several children's aged 2 to 11. During every year, I organize different activities like carnival, "afternoon play children", fishing competition and shows. During every event, there are about 60 children's. Every child are accepted and it’s free. That asks for a lot of organization and times to prepare these activities.
You can be sure that I will love your children as if they were my brothers or sisters.
I sincerely like children and I will do my best to be a good aupair for yours.
Thus, I hope to meet you soon and spend a wonderful year with your family.
Best regards
-------------------
Modifié par bridg le 22-09-2008 17:04
lettre de motivation / divers
Réponse: Lettre de motivation/ corrections de inga, postée le 22-09-2008 à 21:49:19 (S | E)
hello,
Some suggestions
Paragraph 1
My mother Marilyne she is nanny since 1988 (here you need Present Perfect)
Since four years, she take care of three children’s
SINCE+ a point in time (since 1998, since yesterday, since we moved here)
FOR+ a period of time (for 10 years, for a month)
Since four years, she take care (Present Perfect)
of three children’s (children, correct it throughout your letter)
its brother and sisters (who does it refer to?)
My father Michel have (3rd person SG) an enterprise of locksmith ( a locksmith business)
enterprise generally entails risk-taking nature
he is a lot of work (wrong verb, use 'avoir')
I very like my family. (I like my family very much/I love my family very much)
Réponse: Lettre de motivation/ corrections de inga, postée le 22-09-2008 à 22:16:11 (S | E)
Paragraph 2
'For talk of me' (as to me, as far as I am concerned)
'I am feminine' (if you want to say you're a girl, just use this word, feminine means 'having qualities that are considered to be typical of women, especially by being gentle, delicate and pretty- Longman dictionary)
"For talk of me, I am feminine, calm and nature lover I think I am kind and warm-hearted, I am a young girl who likes taking care and dynamic"
reorder these qualities, e.g I am a young girl who likes nature and taking care of others, I am calm and warm-hearted
"I am open-minded and friendly, sociable the family for special occasions (???) and I really enjoy spending of time my in family."
I am said to be a sociable and open-minded person who enjoys spending time with her family.
"! I very like travel, I went to go to Roma in Italia with my sisters"
I like travelling, I visited Rome (in Italy) with my sisters
"in the mountain Switzerland and in Tunisia with my parents"
I went to Tunisia and to the mountains in Switzerland with my parents
"Since five years, I am member of an association"
Like I said before, Present Perfect is required in such a context and FOR
who organize different event like lotteries (which organizes ... eventS)
'of expositions' (cross out "OF")
"I like listen to the soft music" ( I like +verb +ING)
"to go internet" to surf the Internet
"I like to go for a walk in the country and mountain" ( I like +verb +ING) (and in the mountains)
"and to go to visit of ancient monument" (and +verb +ING),cross out "of"
I like to go out with my friends ( I like +verb +ING)
try to avoid repeating "I LIKE..." all the time"I finished
"I have work a supermarket and in several factories" (I worked in a supermarket and several ...)
"to make training" (wrong collocation, do/get/have/receive/undergo training)
"I don't have () good level in English " (an article missing)
Réponse: Lettre de motivation/ corrections de inga, postée le 22-09-2008 à 22:31:37 (S | E)
Paragraph 3
Since the age of 16 years, I take care of children's. (Present Perfect), "since I was 16" sounds more natural I think
"During 3 years" (for the past 3 years)
"and for a while weekend" (what do you want to say here? that sometimes at weekends too?)
"and what these parents need me" (and WHEN HER ...)
"She is only girl" (she is the only child)
"she likes to play with doll, to read, to draw " (again like +verb+ING)
"When I prepare to eat" (when I prepare food)
"afternoon" (in the afternoon)
"Moreover, since 2 years" (for 2 years)
"I have been taking care occasional " I have been ocasionally taking care/looking after)
"I take care of several children's "
"there are about 60 children's"
"Every child are accepted " (is accepted)
"That asks for a lot of organization and times to prepare these activities."
here you can use a phrase "it takes a lot of time and organisation to"
If I was a mother, I would gladly trust you with my child
I don't say I corrected all mistakes, your letter is very long but it's totally comprehensible even with those mistakes.
INDISPENSABLES : 