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Lettre de motivation/relecture
Message de houto posté le 06-01-2010 à 18:21:10 (S | E | F)
Bonjour, j'ai réalisé une lettre de motivation et je voulais savoir votre avis sur celle-ci ?
Objectif de la lettre : partir en erasmus à Sydney
d'avance à tous et n'hésitez pas à me donner des conseils, et si vous voyez des fautes merci de me les signaler 
Dear Sir, Dear Madam,
After informed me, about the opportunities offered to the students concerning the pursuits of study in a foreign country, I decided to fill in an application form. Highly interested, I propose to you to examine my candidature.
After having discussed with the person in charge of the International Relations of the University of V**** and with a lot of student who currently undertaking an Erasmus years, on the opportunities offered to the students willing to study abroad, my choice concerned to a Bachelor in management at the university of Ulster on Syndney in Australy.
Presently an Undergraduate student in my second year in technical degree in Business, Marketing and Sales Techniques, I am very interested to make en Erasmus years. I am dynamic, motivated, open-minded and always ready to learn more.
I want take the opportunity offered by the University to live one year in **** because it will be the occasion to discover a new culture that attract me and there is an unforgettable and rewarding experience. Moreover it’s a considerable advantage for my resume. I’m ready and very motivate to acquire a unique enriching experience for my professional future. It will be an extraordinary chance for me to improve my English.
Yours Faithfully,
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Modifié par lucile83 le 06-01-2010 21:14
Message de houto posté le 06-01-2010 à 18:21:10 (S | E | F)
Bonjour, j'ai réalisé une lettre de motivation et je voulais savoir votre avis sur celle-ci ? Objectif de la lettre : partir en erasmus à Sydney
d'avance à tous et n'hésitez pas à me donner des conseils, et si vous voyez des fautes merci de me les signaler Dear Sir, Dear Madam,
After informed me, about the opportunities offered to the students concerning the pursuits of study in a foreign country, I decided to fill in an application form. Highly interested, I propose to you to examine my candidature.
After having discussed with the person in charge of the International Relations of the University of V**** and with a lot of student who currently undertaking an Erasmus years, on the opportunities offered to the students willing to study abroad, my choice concerned to a Bachelor in management at the university of Ulster on Syndney in Australy.
Presently an Undergraduate student in my second year in technical degree in Business, Marketing and Sales Techniques, I am very interested to make en Erasmus years. I am dynamic, motivated, open-minded and always ready to learn more.
I want take the opportunity offered by the University to live one year in **** because it will be the occasion to discover a new culture that attract me and there is an unforgettable and rewarding experience. Moreover it’s a considerable advantage for my resume. I’m ready and very motivate to acquire a unique enriching experience for my professional future. It will be an extraordinary chance for me to improve my English.
Yours Faithfully,
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Modifié par lucile83 le 06-01-2010 21:14
Réponse: Lettre de motivation/relecture de houto, postée le 06-01-2010 à 20:33:34 (S | E)
SVP aidez moi c'est important 
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Modifié par lucile83 le 06-01-2010 21:12
Chaque membre bénévole corrige s'il le veut et quand il le veut ou peut
Réponse: Lettre de motivation/relecture de seb06000, postée le 06-01-2010 à 20:47:55 (S | E)
bonsoir,
je vous indique ce qui ne va pas
"Dear Sir, Dear Madam,
After informed( forme à revoir) me, about the opportunities offered to the students concerning the pursuits of study in a foreign country, I decided to fill in an application form. Highly interested ( c'est un calque du français, il faut un peu développer => I am..., I propose to you to examine my candidature.
After having discussed (c'est la tournure à utiliser pour informed ;;) ) with the person in charge of the International Relations of the University of V**** and with a lot of student( justement a lot donc pluriel) who ( il manque l'auxiliaire du present ing) currently undertaking an Erasmus years, on the opportunities offered to the students willing to study abroad, my choice concerned to a Bachelor in management at the university of Ulster on Syndney(ortho) in Australy (ortho) .
Presently an Undergraduate student in my second year in technical degree in Business, Marketing and Sales Techniques, I am very interested to make en( article à revoir) Erasmus years (an= singulier) . I am dynamic, motivated, open-minded and always ready to learn more.
I want (il manque une préposition après to want ) take the opportunity offered by the University to live one year in **** because it will be the occasion to discover a new culture that attract(3éme personne du singulier,present simple donc...) me and there is an unforgettable and rewarding experience. Moreover it’s a considerable advantage for my resume. I’m ready and very motivate( adjectif) to acquire a unique enriching experience for my professional future. It will be an extraordinary chance for me to improve my English.
Yours Faithfully,
Voilà
Amicalement
sébastien
Réponse: Lettre de motivation/relecture de houto, postée le 06-01-2010 à 21:16:08 (S | E)
Merci seb ,
j'ai corrigé comme je le pense mes fautes, merci de me confirmer ?
et j'ai mis en orange ce dont je ne suis pas sûr.
De plus si vous voyez des expressions bien à mettre dans ma lettre pour la rendre moins banale cela serait super
Dear Sir, Dear Madam,
After having informed me,
about the opportunities offered to the students concerning the pursuits
of study in a foreign country, I decided to fill in an application
form. I'am Highly interested TO make an erasmus year, I propose to you to examine my candidature.
After having discussed with the person in charge of the International Relations of the University of V**** and with a lot of students who are currently
undertaking an Erasmus years, on the opportunities offered to the
students willing to study abroad, my choice concerned to a Bachelor in
management at the university of Ulster on (town)in (country).
Presently an Undergraduate student in my second year in technical
degree in Business, Marketing and Sales Techniques, I am very
interested to make an Erasmus year . I am dynamic, motivated, open-minded and always ready to learn more.
I want to take
the opportunity offered by the University to live one year in ****
because it will be the occasion to discover a new culture that attractS me and there is an unforgettable and rewarding experience. Moreover
it’s a considerable advantage for my resume. I’m ready and very motivated to acquire a unique enriching experience for my professional future. It
will be an extraordinary chance for me to improve my English.
Yours Faithfully,
-------------------
Modifié par houto le 06-01-2010 21:18
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Modifié par houto le 06-01-2010 21:21
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Modifié par lucile83 le 06-01-2010 21:32
Réponse: Lettre de motivation/relecture de seb06000, postée le 06-01-2010 à 21:19:50 (S | E)
re
je vous indique ce qui reste à corriger:
'am Highly interested for make (erreur de préposition)
sinon le reste me semble correct ( sous réserve d'une autre relecture par un autre membre)
Amicalement
sébastien
Réponse: Lettre de motivation/relecture de houto, postée le 06-01-2010 à 21:29:39 (S | E)
J'ai corrigé par To make. Merci pour votre aide, et si un autre membre veut relire une dernière fois ainsi et si il y a des formulations à changer rien n'est encore trop tard !
Réponse: Lettre de motivation/relecture de houto, postée le 08-01-2010 à 16:55:13 (S | E)
Avis au modérateur pourrait on fermer le poste pour pas qu'une personne de ma promo "me vole" ma lettre de motivation je n'aimerai pas que l'on soit deux à rendre la même
Réponse: Lettre de motivation/relecture de gerondif, postée le 08-01-2010 à 18:19:11 (S | E)
Bonsoir,
je crois que même quand le sujet est fermé, il reste consultable.
Votre lettre comporte encore des détails à améliorer, celui qui l'emprunterait telle quelle ne se rendrait pas service.
Dear Sir, Dear Madam,
After having informed me,(1) ne se dit pas .2) Derrière after, on garde la forme en ing active: après avoir lu = "after reading about" irait mieux)
about the opportunities offered to the students concerning the pursuits
of study in a foreign country, I decided to fill in an application
form. I'am Highly interested (in + ing)TO make an erasmus year, I propose to you to examine my candidature.(français traduit.je vous envoie ma candidature aurait été plus courant. "application" serait mieux que "candidature")
After having discussed (voir plus haut)with the person in charge of the International Relations of the University of V**** and with a lot of students who are currently
undertaking an Erasmus years, (votre complément de discussing vient 27 mots derrière le verbe, c'est très long !! Pourquoi ne pas commencer par: I have discussed on ........ with....... and I have chosen....)on the opportunities offered to the
students willing to study abroad, my choice concerned to (incorrect)a Bachelor in
management at the university of Ulster on (town)in (country).
Presently an Undergraduate student in my second year in technical
degree in Business, Marketing and Sales Techniques, I am very
interested (in + ing) (on pourrait utiliser "very eager to", très désireux de, pour varier les expressions) to make an Erasmus year . I am dynamic, motivated, open-minded and always ready to learn more.
I want to take
the opportunity offered by the University to live one year in ****
because it will be the occasion (opportunity irait mieux) to discover a new culture that attractS me and there is (ce "il y a" parait bizarre ici: "ce sera"(it is au futur) irait mieux)an unforgettable and rewarding experience. Moreover
it’s a considerable advantage for my resume. I’m ready and very motivated to acquire a unique enriching experience for my professional future. It
will be an extraordinary chance for me to improve my English.
Yours Faithfully,
Réponse: Lettre de motivation/relecture de lucile83, postée le 08-01-2010 à 21:23:31 (S | E)
Bonjour houto et merci pour votre message.
A partir du moment où un topic a reçu une ou des réponses il ne peut plus être supprimé par respect envers le travail fourni par le membre qui a répondu.
Cordialement.
ps: comme a dit gerondif le fermer ne changera pas le fait qu'il pourra être lu; ce sont les risques d'internet.
re ps: avez-vous réellement 12 ans? il me semble vous avoir envoyé un mp en ce sens.
Réponse: Lettre de motivation/relecture de houto, postée le 09-01-2010 à 17:50:53 (S | E)
Merci, oui j'ai vraiment 12 ans mais mon père déménage en Australie. Je fais donc une candidature pour le rejoindre.
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Modifié par lucile83 le 09-01-2010 17:59
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