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Correction/ Cover letter

Cours gratuits > Forum > Thèmes généraux, jeux, chansons || En bas

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Correction/ Cover letter
Message de auredu62 posté le 16-08-2012 à 11:47:17 (S | E | F)
Bonjour à tous,

Pourriez-vous, s'il vous plaît m'aider à corriger cette lettre de motivation ?
Je remercie d'avance toutes personnes ayant étudié ma requête.

Dear Sir or Madam,
Re: Job application

Perhaps after reading this letter and enclosed resume and application form, you will agree we have a mutually beneficial reason to meet.
With 5 years experience in a handcrafted enterprise. I learned to emphasis on the quality, sanitation, waste reduction and cost savings because they are priorities in our work. Moreover, I know to show initiative, I'm versatile and can adapt myself easily.
During all off my training I maintained an excellent performance (using a single sick day) and I earned a reputation for my dedication, my teamwork and thoroughness my work.

To arrange an interview at your convenience please write at ... or call me at ...

Thank you for your time and consideration of my resume, and I look forward to speaking with you.
Yours faithfully,

First Name Last Name

Incs: Resume, application form, present letter
N.B: I arrive in London the 24th September, 2012

Petite question supplémentaire doit-on aussi mettre un alinéa à chaque paragraphe ?
Je vous remercie encore pour votre attention et pour toute l'aide que vous pourrez m'apporter.
Auré

-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 16-08-2012 11:50



Réponse: Correction/ Cover letter de bluestar, postée le 16-08-2012 à 18:11:57 (S | E)
Bonjour..

Your letter seems a little shapeless to me. You don't even specify the job you are applying for..You should start the letter by explaining what job you're applying for and where and when you saw it advertised. Then, mention how your skills, experience and interests make you the right person for the job and say why you want to work for them. It is good that you end the letter with a positive statement.
Keep it short and to the point, about three or four paragraphs will suffice.

Make sure the letter is formal: start with your address and the employer's address at the top, address the letter to your contact person (find out his name) rather than "Sir or Madam" and end with "Yours Sincerely" and your signature.
Make sure the letter is targeted at the specific job you are applying for.
Read over the finished cover letter a few times and make sure there are no spelling mistakes.

"Incs" should be "Encls." (for "Enclosures")

-------------------
Modifié par bluestar le 16-08-2012 18:13



Réponse: Correction/ Cover letter de nveras, postée le 16-08-2012 à 21:46:19 (S | E)
Hello. You should take into consideration the advice that bluestar gave you, but, even so, there are some grammar mistakes in your letter.

Perhaps after reading this letter (and)(comma) enclosed resume and application form, you will agree (that)we have (a mutually beneficial reason) (mutual benefits, reason is not necessary) to meet.
With 5 years (of) experience in a handcrafted enterprise (.)(comma) I learned to (emphasis) (this is the noum, use the verb emphasize)on the quality, sanitation, waste reduction and cost savings because they are priorities in our work. Moreover, I know to show initiative, (I'm) (I am - formal letter) versatile and can adapt myself easily.
During all (off) (of) my training I maintained an excellent performance (using a single sick day) and I earned a (reputation)(can be good or bad) for my dedication, my teamwork and thoroughness my work.

To arrange an interview at your convenience please write at ...or call me at ...

Thank you for your time and consideration (of) (to) my resume (application), and I look (am looking) forward to speaking with you.
Yours faithfully,

I hope I could help. Bye



Réponse: Correction/ Cover letter de auredu62, postée le 29-08-2012 à 17:36:19 (S | E)


Bonjour à tous,
Je voudrais tout d’abord remercier les personnes m’ayant déjà aidé.
Je remets ma lettre corrigé, modifié et complété
Et je remercie encore tous ceux qui me consacreront du temps
(Au final je n’y ai donc ajouté qu’une phrase d’introduction qui sera modifié en :

“I allow myself send you my resume, because according to your ad in the "News" dated September 8, 2012 you are looking for a baker.

And perhaps […]”

The Manager


Dear Sir or Madam,

Re: Job application
I allow myself send you my resume to apply for a position of baker, pastry cook.

Perhaps after reading this letter, enclosed resume and application form, you will agree that we have mutual benefits to meet.

With 5 years of experience in a handcrafted enterprise, I learned to emphasize on the quality, sanitation, waste reduction and cost savings because they are priorities in our work. Moreover, I know to show initiative, I am versatile and can adapt myself easily.

During all of my training I maintained an excellent performance (using a single sick day) and I earned a good reputation for my dedication, my teamwork and thoroughness my work.

To arrange an interview at your convenience please write at ...or call me at ...

Thank you for your time and consideration to my resume application, and I am looking forward to speaking with you.
Yours faithfully,

Name.


Encls.: Resume, application form, present letter

N.B: I arrive in London the 24th September, 2012

J’ai bien pris note des conseils de « Bluestar » la lettre n’étant pas encore défini pour une seul entreprise, j’ai laissé « Sir or Madam » les adresses sont bien sûr prévu dans l’original mais merci de me le rappeler.
De plus je ne réponds pas à une annonce, je postule spontanément mais je m’adapterais si ça deviendrais le cas, merci de m’avoir prévenu aussi.
Merci pour votre attention et pour toute l'aide que vous pourrez encore m'apporter.
Auré



Réponse: Correction/ Cover letter de traviskidd, postée le 30-08-2012 à 04:12:21 (S | E)
Hello, you should also put accent marks on "résumé".

See you.



Réponse: Correction/ Cover letter de bluestar, postée le 30-08-2012 à 17:45:25 (S | E)
Bonjour...I am still not sure if you are answering one advertisement only, or if you intend to send your letter to several companies..Below I am suggesting a few changes:

The first two paragraphs are not good and read unnaturally. You could be more direct, e.g. "I am an experienced baker and pastry cook and wish to apply for a job in your company."

You don't need to say anything about "mutual benefits"..Let your application speak for itself..

3rd Paragraph..."In the course of 5 years etc"..not "With five years.."
"Focus" not "emphasise"...There should be no "the" before "quality"..

"Moreover I am versatile, adaptable and creative, have good organisational and planning skills and work well under pressure"..

References available on request (this is usual)

---------------

Je vous souhaite bonne chance!!



Réponse: Correction/ Cover letter de auredu62, postée le 30-08-2012 à 19:34:54 (S | E)
Merci beaucoup, je ne suis pas vraiment doué pour ce genre de lettre en français .. alors en anglais vous voyez le résultat
Je vais retravailler en ce sens, cette lettre est pour le moment un "modèle type" > "Standard letter" qui pourra être légèrement modifié selon l'entreprise visé.

Edit :
Bonsoir,
Encore moi, merci beaucoup bluestar, ainsi elle me parait très bien, bien plus directe sur le début, enfin juste ce qu'il faut.
Sans vous je n'aurez jamais eu se résultat et je vous en suis très reconnaissant. Ainsi qu'à tous ceux qui m'ont aidé.
Voici tout de même la lettre

Dear Sir or Madam,

Re: Job application

I am an experienced baker and pastry cook and wish to apply for a job in your company.

In the course of 5 years of experience in a handcrafted enterprise, I learned to focus on quality, sanitation, waste reduction and cost savings because they are priorities in our work. Moreover I am versatile, adaptable and creative, have good organisational and planning skills and work well under pressure.

During all of my training I maintained an excellent attendance record (only one sick day in five years) and I earned a good reputation for my dedication, my teamwork and thoroughness my work.

To arrange an interview at your convenience please write at ...or call me at ...,

I have references available on request

Thank you for your time and consideration to my resume application, and I am looking forward to speaking with you.

Yours faithfully,

Name.


Thank you again and good evening
-------------------
Modifié par auredu62 le 30-08-2012 19:54

-------------------
Modifié par auredu62 le 31-08-2012 18:04





Réponse: Correction/ Cover letter de bluestar, postée le 30-08-2012 à 21:41:58 (S | E)
Bon soir...

..."I maintained an excellent attendance record (only one sick day in x weeks)..."




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