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Writing/wedding ring

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Writing/wedding ring
Message from steve_vai0 posted on 25-12-2010 at 23:50:55 (D | E | F)
Hello .

Could you please correct this writing?
Thank you very much for your help .


The wedding ring

Tom and Jully were loving couple ; One day Tom has chose one of the expensive ring to offer it to his only love at the wedding .

At the wedding he did offer the ring to July , the latter was in such surprised that almost she could faint in front of his husband .

The ring was for her the best and the precious thing in her life .

One day while July was cleaning up the house like every Saturday morning , the ring slipped from her finger without being aware of it , obviously she has continued the cleaning .

after like an hour while she was preparing the lunch she has noticed the ring was disappeared , she was surprised that she fell on the ground.

she started to look for it like a fool , she couldn't remember where could slipped from his finger , but After an hour of looking she has thought perhaps she could slip while she was cleaning and she threw it in the trash with the garbage .........

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Edited by lucile83 on 26-12-2010 08:02




Re: Writing/wedding ring from alphonse46, posted on 26-12-2010 at 09:59:52 (D | E)
Good morning Steve

loving couple/ a loving couple
has chose/ 'to choose, chose, chosen', but here:Tom chose
one of the expensive/ one of the most expensive
he did offer the ring to July/he offered the ring to Jully
in such surprised/ so surprised
that almost she could faint/ that she should almost faint
'for her' isn't useful: it's obviously for her
like Saturday / as every Saturday
her finger without/ her finger, without
obviously she has continued/ she has obviously continued, but the action is nowadays finished, so that isn't the good tense: you have to modify ' has continued' to another tense
after like an hour/after about an hour
preparing the lunch/ preparing lunch
she has noticed/ she noticed
was disappeared/has disappeared
she was surprised/she was so surprised
she started to look: I prefer:she started looking
could slipped/ could have slipped, but what was slipping ?
his finger/ she is a woman, isn't she?/ her finger
but After/ but after
after an hour of looking/after a one-hour search
she has thought/ she thought
she could slip: Jully or the ring? She or it?
and she threw it/ and could have thrown it
in the trash/into the trashcan
with the garbage/among the garbage
in another order, 'can' isn't the best verb:
could have slipped, or might have slipped

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Edited by alphonse46 on 26-12-2010 11:00
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Edited by lucile83 on 26-12-2010 21:37



Re: Writing/wedding ring from steve_vai0, posted on 26-12-2010 at 19:34:33 (D | E)
thank you very much
the correction is clear, I think I have a problem of confusion between past and present perfect




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