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Correction/Friends

Cours gratuits > Forum > English only || Bottom

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Correction/Friends
Message from wangboniu posted on 28-05-2011 at 05:21:02 (D | E | F)
Hello,

Yesterday was a bad day for me. I got grades of my examination, which was 5 in writing and 5.5 in speaking, although my listening was 7 and reading was 7.5. It was a useless score because the minimum required mark in writing is 5.5 for ten-week language course. It could be a shock for me to face the fact.
However,I know it is no use crying over spilled milk. What I should do is to keep writing to enhance my ability and to take the exam again.OK, chin up!!!
I have written another composition. If anyone has any suggestion, please tell me and I am all ears.
Thank you!
Best wishes
Wangboniu

Topic
It is sometimes said that borrowing money from a friend can harm or damage the friendship. Do you agree? Why or why not? Use reasons and specific examples to explain your answer.


When people are unable to make ends meet, borrowing money from close friends is one way to solve this problem. Some people think it is a bad way because it can harm or even damage the friendship. However, for three points below, I do not think so.

As friends, people should share with each other. The things friends shared are not only happiness, but should also include depression. No enough money always makes people feel very depressed. However if friends can share it together, this tough problem would be easily solved. This intelligent idea is also the fundamental principle of insurance industry.

As friends, people are supposed to help each other. In my life, I have borrowed money from friends for thousands of times. No friends rejected me because they know I will help them too if they have a problem. Hence, Helping others means helping yourself.

As friends, people should trust each other. The problem people always concerned is if their friends can give money back. Although lending money is a risky thing, people should learn that a friend is a trustworthy person. Between money and friends, the wiser people’s choice always is the latter one.

Sometimes people heard stories about someone cheating friends of money. This does not indicate that people should not borrow or lend among friends. It tells that people should make real friends, which is the best way to avoid this kind of story to take place again.

In conclusion, friends should share, help and trust each other, not to mention borrowing money. However, how to make real friends is a tough problem for people.

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Edited by lucile83 on 28-05-2011 07:36
What a shame! I am sure you'll pass your exam next time.



Re: Correction/Friends from aneth-estragon, posted on 28-05-2011 at 08:46:52 (D | E)
Hello Wangboniu,
I'm really sorry to learn that your marks didn't meet your expectations.
I'm not surprised at all to see that your understanding is much better than your writing.
I will leave the correction of this particular essay to teachers or natives.
But here are some general pieces of advice I think might be useful.

1) Enrich your vocabulary.
Easy to say, but how to do that ? Every time you notice that you've used the same word more than 3 times in a 10 line text, check it up in a dictionary to find synonyms. Aim at the vocabulary that will be useful in ALL essays, not only in this one about money : how to say "problem" "people" "thing", etc.

2) Improve your fluency.
Your sentences seem to come one after the other, leaving the reader to find their logics. Your expression sounds mathematical (which is certainly not bad in some circumstances, but obviously not what is expected from you here : a more "literary English" would gain more points, I guess. Work on the "logical links" and how to express "I think".

3) Beware of tenses.
When you talk of what people usually do, you should use the present not the preterite.

4) Look up : each other vs. one another / to be concerned with/for/that ...

Keep improving (and don't forget to post your final corrected texts)

-------------------
Edited by lucile83 on 28-05-2011 09:12



Re: Correction/Friends from wangboniu, posted on 28-05-2011 at 10:01:36 (D | E)
Hello,lucile83
Thanks for your blessings. I can do better.

Hello,aneth-estragon
Thanks for your practical suggestions. I will not forget to post my correction again.






Re: Correction/Friends from smartway, posted on 28-05-2011 at 13:40:59 (D | E)
Hello ,

-the people's problem, not the problem people.
-also: the friends'things, not the things friends.

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Edited by lucile83 on 28-05-2011 13:48



Re: Correction/Friends from notrepere, posted on 28-05-2011 at 18:56:08 (D | E)
Hello

When people are unable to make ends meet, borrowing money from close friends is one way to solve this problem. Some people think it is a bad way because it can harm or even damage the friendship. However, for three points below, I do not think so.

As friends, people should share with each other. (1) The things friends shared are not only happiness, but should also include depression. (2) Not [verb missing] enough money always makes people feel very depressed. However if friends can share it together, this tough problem would be easily solved. This intelligent idea is also the fundamental principle of insurance industry. (Well, not exactly. Insurance companies try to maximize their gains while limiting their losses)

(1) I find the construction "as friends, people..." unclear. Why not simply say "Friends should share with each other". This is much more direct and clear.
(2) You should rewrite this sentence to make it clearer.

As friends, people (1) are supposed to help each other. In my life, I have borrowed money from friends for thousands of times. No friends rejected me (3) because they know I will help them too if they have a problem. Hence, Helping others means helping yourself.

(3) Your friends are not really rejecting "you", they're rejecting your "request".

As friends, people (1) should trust each other. The problem people always concerned is if their friends can give money back. (2) Although lending money is a risky thing, people should learn that a friend is a trustworthy person. Between money and friends, the wiser people’s choice always (4) is the latter one.

(4) wise people always choose

Sometimes people heard stories about someone cheating friends of money. This does not indicate that people should not borrow or lend among friends. It tells (5) that people should make real friends, which is the best way to avoid this kind of story to take place again (2).

(5) You should say "it means"

In conclusion, friends should share, help and trust each other, not to mention borrowing money. However, how to make real friends is a tough problem for people.

The text in red needs to be deleted. Good luck

-------------------
Edited by notrepere on 29-05-2011 02:52





Re: Correction/Friends from wangboniu, posted on 29-05-2011 at 11:25:54 (D | E)
Hello, everyone
According to your suggestions, I rewrote my essay.I think this essay could be better than the former one. Any suggestions are welcome! Thank you!

When people are unable to make ends meet, borrowing money from close friends is one way to solve this problem. Some people think it is a bad method because it can harm or even damage the friendship. However, for three points below, I do not think so.

First, friends share with each other. The things shared by friends include happy events and tough problems. Not having enough money always makes people get into deep trouble. It is especially true when we are experiencing a huge economic crisis. However, if friends share and overcome this problem together, it will be easier for everyone. European union could be a good example of this idea. They are trying to help those member countries which are facing debt crises for preventing the bad situation from getting worse.

Second, friends are supposed to help one another. In my life, I have borrowed money from friends thousands of times and I would like to lend my money to them too. Therefore, no friends reject my requests because they know I will help them too if they have a problem. Hence, Helping others means helping yourself and giving friends a hand always makes me feel happy.

Third, friends need mutual trust. Lending money is a risky thing and whether friends can give money back is a real problem for everyone. However, believing in friends is more important than money. As we know, making a trusted friend could be much harder than making money. And, between money and friends, wise people always choose the latter one.

However, sometimes people hear stories about someone cheating friends of money. This does not indicate that people should not borrow or lend among friends. It means that people should make real friends, which is the best way to prevent those tragedies from occurring again.

In conclusion, friends should share, help and trust each other. Following these rules above could ensure a good relationship and it is also the best way to make real friends because if one person takes good care of others, to a large extent, they will do those, too. Therefore, borrowing money will not be a problem for friends.


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Edited by wangboniu on 29-05-2011 11:26



-------------------
Edited by wangboniu on 29-05-2011 11:32





Re: Correction/Friends from aneth-estragon, posted on 29-05-2011 at 11:51:19 (D | E)
Hello, Wangboniu !
It is, definitely, better !

they will do those => others will do the same ?



Re: Correction/Friends from wangboniu, posted on 29-05-2011 at 13:36:30 (D | E)
Hello, aneth-estragon
Thanks for your encouragement. I really appreciate it.
I want to use that sentence to express:
1)The way you treat others is the way they will treat you.
2)People will treat a person in this person's way.
3)How people treat a person commonly accords to how the person treats them.

May be the last one is better, am I right? Should I use the second person in this kind of essay such as sentence 1?
By the way, can I post a picture here?

-------------------
Edited by lucile83 on 29-05-2011 13:44
By the way, can I post a picture here?....is it necessary in this topic? I don't think so.



Re: Correction/Friends from aneth-estragon, posted on 29-05-2011 at 17:00:28 (D | E)
Hello
To avoid the "you", you can use "we" which is less aggressive, you're right !
As for your 3rd sentence, I wouldn't want to mislead you, let's wait for more skilled correcters.




Re: Correction/Friends from noly, posted on 30-05-2011 at 09:31:23 (D | E)
The next time you can get the best degree




Re: Correction/Friends from wangboniu, posted on 31-05-2011 at 01:30:44 (D | E)
Hello,
noly,WOW! Thanks for your encouragement!
xxxxx

-------------------
Edited by lucile83 on 31-05-2011 06:23





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