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Correction /application essay

Forum > English only || Bottom

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Correction /application essay
Message from again57 posted on 16-04-2014 at 10:08:10 (D | E | F)
Hello everybody,

Again, I have wrote written a short and fake text to train myself with my English writing skills. Please, could you have a look at it and say, if you find some mistakes or non proper vocabulary for a professional relationship.
Thanks a lot for your advice.
Here is my text:

Dear X,

We received your application for our investment products and we thank you for that. So, our company is a renown global company located in Philadelphia. We trade on the worldwide financial market since 1990 and satisfy our clients’ needs is our priority every day, every time. Joining us is for you a great opportunity to make your portfolio grow rapidly. Be ensured Mr. X, that all our team will manage your assets every time in the best conditions for you to get a maximise profit from markets. Regarding our products, we make operation mainly upon the stock exchanges of Paris, Japan and in the United States. We mainly invest in investment funds, and more specifically in hedge funds which we think to be the most profitable. Indeed our main work is to handle your money in the best way. Consequently, our team is made up of experts from all over the world, every one of them has a deep knowledge of the local market and a great experience with it. All of our employees completely devote to their job. That assures you against the risk of missing your target. Indeed, our services and studies are made for each client. So, you could assume to trade with us is for you the insurance to increase your yield by 10 % at least.

Thank you Mr. X for contacting us and please, feel free to contact us for further information.
We look forward to hearing from you soon.


-------------------
Edited by lucile83 on 16-04-2014 16:50


Re: Correction /application essay from gerondif, posted on 16-04-2014 at 15:44:34 (D | E)
Bonjour,

We received your application for our investment products and we thank you for that. So, our company is a renown global company located in Philadelphia. We trade (tense cf since) on the worldwide financial market since 1990 and satisfy our clients’ needs is our priority every day, every time. Joining us is for you a great opportunity to make your portfolio grow rapidly. Be ensured Mr. X, that all our team will manage your assets every time in the best conditions for you to get a maximise profit from markets. Regarding our products, we make operation (clumsy) mainly upon the stock exchanges of Paris, Japan and in the United States. We mainly invest in investment funds, and more specifically in hedge funds which we think to be the most profitable. Indeed our main work is to handle your money in the best way. Consequently, our team is made up of experts from all over the world, every one of them has a deep knowledge of the local market and a great experience with it. All of our employees completely devote(passive voice better) to their job. That assures you against the risk of missing your target. Indeed, our services and studies are made for each (not precise enough: your offer is tailored and suited to each and every customer)client. So, you could (if you use the conditional regarding the good qualities of your company, then you don't believe in them !) assume to trade (gerund)with us is for you the insurance to increase your yield by 10 % at least.

Thank you Mr. X for contacting us and please, feel free to contact us for further information.




Re: Correction /application essay from again57, posted on 17-04-2014 at 08:35:07 (D | E)
Hello gerondif,

Thanks a lot for your help! I think if I pass my probation period in English in my future job, it will be thanks to you for a part! So, I'm happy enough, because it seems that less some I have made fewer mistakes in my second text.
Here is my text corrected, please, could you give me your opinion about it?

We received your application for our investment products and we thank you for that. So, our company is a renowned global company located in Philadelphia. We have traded on the worldwide financial market since 1990 and satisfy our clients’ needs is our priority every day, every time. Joining us is for you a great opportunity to make your portfolio grow rapidly. Be ensured Mr. X, that all our team will manage your assets every time in the best conditions for you to get a maximise profit from markets. Regarding our products, we work mainly upon the stock exchanges of Paris, Japan and in the United States. We mainly invest in investment funds, and more specifically in hedge funds which we think to be the most profitable. Indeed our main work is to handle your money in the best way. Consequently, our team is made up of experts from all over the world, every one of them has a deep knowledge of the local market and a great experience with it. All of our employees are completely devoted to their job. That assures you against the risk of missing your target. Indeed, our services and studies are tailored and suited to each and every client. So, you can assume trading with us is for you the insurance to increase your yield by 10 % at least.

Thank you Mr. X for contacting us and please, feel free to contact us for further information.

Thank you gerondif for taking time to answer and help me!

-------------------
Edited by lucile83 on 17-04-2014 08:53

-------------------
Edited by again57 on 17-04-2014 10:55



Re: Correction /application essay from gerondif, posted on 18-04-2014 at 00:18:08 (D | E)
Hello,
I still find the text clumsy and "too French". I am not specialized enough in that financial jargon (which I don't like) to have any responsibility in your future success !

We received your application for our investment products and we thank you for that. Well, So, our company is a renowned global company located in Philadelphia. We have been trading on the worldwide financial market since 1990 and satisfying our clients’ needs is our daily priority every day, every time. Joining us is for you a great opportunity to make your portfolio grow rapidly. Be ensured Mr. X, that all our team will always manage your assets every time in the best conditions for you to get a maximise profit from markets. Regarding our products, we work mainly upon the stock exchanges of Paris, Japan and in the United States. We mainly invest in investment funds, and more specifically in hedge funds which we believe to be the most profitable. Indeed our main work (job, priority) is to handle your money in the best way. Consequently, our team is made up of experts from all over the world, every one of them has a deep (thorough) knowledge of the local market and a great experience with it. All of our employees are completely devoted to their jobs. That assures you against the risk of missing your target.(trop français traduit) Indeed, our services and studies are tailored and suited to each and every customer/client. So, you can assume/rest assured that trading with us is for you the insurance to increase your yield by 10 % at least.

Thank you Mr. X for contacting us and please, feel free to contact us for further information.




Re: Correction /application essay from again57, posted on 18-04-2014 at 10:18:46 (D | E)
Hello Gerondif,

Thanks a lot for taking time to answer me. Of course it doesn't matter, if you don't exactly now the financial vocabulary. You help me with my grammar, you give me some words which sound like more English and all of that teaches me something and trains me. That's already a lot! Well, thank you again.

We received your application for our investment products and we thank you for that. Well, our company is a renowned global company located in Philadelphia. We have been trading on the worldwide financial market since 1990 and satisfying our clients’ needs is our daily priority. Joining us is for you a great opportunity to make your portfolio grow rapidly. Be ensured Mr. X, that all our team will always manage your assets in the best conditions for you to get a maximum profit from markets. Regarding our products, we work mainly upon the stock exchanges of Paris, Japan and in the United States. We mainly invest in investment funds, and more specifically in hedge funds which we believe to be the most profitable. Indeed our main job is to handle your money in the best way. Consequently, our team is made up of experts from all over the world, every one of them has a thorough knowledge of the local market and a great experience with it. All of our employees are completely devoted to their jobs. That assures you against the risk of missing your target.(trop français traduit) Indeed, our services and studies are tailored and suited to each and every customer. So, you can rest assured that trading with us is for you the insurance to increase your yield by 10 % at least.
Thank you Mr. X for contacting us and please, feel free to contact us for further information.

Well, Gerondif here are some explanations and applications for explanations:

First of all, about the colour code. Could you please confirm my good understanding? When you use the red colour that means the word is just not right. When you use the green colour that means the world is just the best for the sentence and when you use the blue one, that means the sentence is grammatically correct and understandable but just sound like a little bit too French? Am I right?

Secondly, could I use “well” exactly in the same situation as “so”, what I mean is can we always commute them?
About satisfying, is there a rule about the ING here? What I mean is that I translated “… and satisfy our clients’ needs” into French by “Satisfaire les besoins de nos clients” and I’d translate “… and satisfying our clients’ needs” into French by “La satisfaction des besoins de nos clients…” Are both possible or only satisfying is possible?

The same question about “rest assure that trading”, if I had to translate into French, I’d translate this gerund by a noun, but wouldn’t be possible to write “rest assure that to trade”. Be sure I don’t want you to make crazy with my questions, I just need to understand and I don’t like to give up.
Thirdly, about the use of assume and customer, actually, I learnt the word “assume” in a document from my company and it’s why I thought this kind of vocabulary was required. About client and customer, I used client, because my former American teacher told us that “client” was used when you know your client and you work close to him and customer was more suitable for customers that you don’t know, like for instance in a mall.

-------------------
Edited by lucile83 on 18-04-2014 12:17
Red shouldn't be used in fact



Re: Correction /application essay from again57, posted on 18-04-2014 at 13:21:57 (D | E)
Why shouldn't red be used?

-------------------
Edited by lucile83 on 18-04-2014 17:17
Red is too agressive, according to a few members and it was banned from the forums a few years ago.



Re: Correction /application essay from again57, posted on 19-04-2014 at 09:23:14 (D | E)
That's ok I didn't know it. But red can be important to point out mistakes.

-------------------
Edited by lucile83 on 19-04-2014 10:10
We can use blue that's what we generally do.



Re: Correction /application essay from gerondif, posted on 21-04-2014 at 19:57:21 (D | E)
Hello,
actually, it's pink I use, light red ...........
blue is for words that are correct but clumsy or ill adapted.
Green is the correction I propose, it doesn't mind it is the best as I can't presume to be right, sometimes, other people will give better solutions.

I use gerunds when I feel they fit well. Sometimes an infinitive would fit as well.
I don't know about this use of "assume"
In a formal letter, I would use neither well nor so but something like: Let me tell you that... I am glad to inform you that.....

We received your application for our investment products and we thank you for that. Well, (I am glad to tell you that)our company is a renowned global company located in Philadelphia. We have been trading on the worldwide financial market since 1990 and satisfying our clients’ needs is our daily priority. Joining us is for you a great opportunity to make your portfolio grow rapidly. Be ensured Mr. X, that all our team will always manage your assets in the best conditions for you to get a maximum profit from markets. Regarding (as far as our products are concerned) our products, we work mainly upon the stock exchanges of Paris, Japan and in the United States. We mainly invest in investment funds, and more specifically in hedge funds which we believe to be the most profitable. Indeed our main job is to handle your money in the best way. Consequently, our team is made up of experts from all over the world, every one of them has a thorough knowledge of the local market and a great experience with it. All of our employees are completely devoted to their jobs, with them, you will never be likely to miss your target. Indeed, our services and studies are tailored and suited to each and every customer. So, you can rest assured that trading with us is for you the insurance to increase your yield by 10 % at least.
Thank you Mr. X for contacting us and please, feel free to contact us for further information.

-------------------
Edited by lucile83 on 21-04-2014 21:19
Thank you gerondif! I didn't pay attention to the mistakes in again's previous message...I have just corrected them.
Red/pink shouldn't be used



Re: Correction /application essay from again57, posted on 22-04-2014 at 10:24:25 (D | E)
Hello, hello,

Thanks a lot for answering me. Taking some of your time to help me is really nice. Moreover, by practising over and over, I feel more comfortable with English. Of course, I still make some mistakes and I keep doing them, but really your corrections allow me to improve. Moreover, I learn some vocabulary (clumsy, tailor...). Again, thanks a lot for your corrections and just a last question (for the moment ): Can I always put the verb after "that" into a gerund without making a mistake?

Have a nice day!



Re: Correction /application essay from gerondif, posted on 22-04-2014 at 23:07:40 (D | E)
Hello,
after the conjunction that, a gerund can be the subject of the sentence:
I know that telling you that is dangerous because it is not a rule, just logic.



Re: Correction /application essay from again57, posted on 23-04-2014 at 17:02:15 (D | E)
Hello Gerondif,

Thanks a lot for your answer. But you know, telling me that is not so dangerous... Many thanks!




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